jealous of SIL

[flabinos]

my parents are not maternal and have no interest in grandchildren.

I always wanted kids but felt so worried and overwhelmed. I struggle with sleep as it is. My MIL who was desperate for grandkids, doesn't work and just wants to devote the rest of her life to her grandkids, put me at ease. She lives on a different continent but her visa allows her to stay here 3 months at a time.

She said she would be here for the 2 weeks before my birth and the 2.5 months after to take care of my every need. She made it sounds so kind and supportive and it's the reason we went ahead and conceived rather than waiting another couple of years.

Well I told MIL on the down low that I was pregnant at 2 weeks. Told her we need to keep it quiet as it's early days. She shrieked which led my SIL to come and see if she was ok, so my SIL found out I was pregnant. SIL and DP brother live with the in-laws.

4 weeks later I get a happy call from my SIL, they are also pregnant, just two weeks behind me.

SIL has her own supportive mother who loves children and lives around the corner but insists she really needs MILs support so MIL says she needs to be there to support her. So now MIL plans to arrive a couple days before my C section date (flights not booked yet as we don't have this date), meet my baby and leave a couple of days after c - section and support SIL for months.

I'm just moody and jealous. I love MIL. Shes the only motherly figure I have and I feel so cared for around her, I hate that she's just dipping in and out and it feels so unfair. I feel so second best and I just really want to be chosen.

Ignore, I can't read evidently.

Won't you have your husband to help you?
She's gonna be closer to a daughter in law she lives with than one abroad unfortunately. I feel you though, my parents were dead when I had kids and it's bloody sad and hard.

it's the reason we went ahead and conceived rather than waiting another couple of years
Really? You moved forward ttc by a couple of years because your Mil said she would spend the first 3 months with you? This just doesn’t make sense to me.

Yes it’s disappointing but it’s really not the end of the world. She probably would have been doing your head in after a couple of weeks anyway.

@flabinos yes I will have DP but he gets just two weeks PAT leave and works ridiculous hours.

@Imthefunfriend my MIL pulled us aside last summer and offered the help. Before having a kid felt years away. But the supportive feeling made me start to think about it. So I think it contributed yes. I think more the conversation got me imagining it and then planning for it.

You will always be “second best” to her own daughter.

You are allowed to be envious of the relationship your SIL has with her mother compared to the relationship you have with your own mother.

It sounds as if your upbringing wasn’t a loving one. Have you ever had any type of therapy?

@Solaitt it's not her daughter its her other sons wife. She has been in the family 2 years and me 10.

Sorry but it’s all a bit ridiculous.

If you and your DH decide to have kids there should be no-one else involved in that decision.

You’re two grown adults.

It was you and your husbands choice to have a baby, its also your resposibility.
People dont have kids just because someone as told them they will help them.

Yout kids are you and your partners responsibility Knowone elses.

I dont matter whos been in the family the longest, it all sounds rather silly.

You really don't need live in help to manage 1 baby.

I think its quite hurtful that's shes chosen your SIL over you and I'd have to say something.

That being said, I couldnt think of anything worse than somebody being there in my house just after having had a baby, but that's me.

I think you need to tell her how upset it’s made you and how SIL also has a supportive mother whereas you are very alone as a new mother. She may not change her mind but at least you’ve made your point. I’d also get your husband to advocate for you.

There’s always people on MN who think you shouldn’t need any help whatsoever but most people get some help either from a supportive/available husband or a parental figure.

Failing that could you get some professional support in for a couple of weeks, like a mother’s help. It might help you to get into a routine and to get some rest in the early days.

This feels uncomfortable to read, it’s a bit much, and I suspect it maybe difficult for your mil. She shouldn’t have made the offer not to the extent she did.

you will be fine with your baby.

I also think this, it will be a blessing in disguise, I would have utterly hated someone living with me for that period.

Why the hell do you tell anyone you’re pregnant at 2 weeks? Totally insane. And she lives on a different continent. With all respect get a grip and grow up.

Just wait until she starts giving you advice. Then the shorter visit will feel like a blessing in disguise.

This. Don't feel you can't say you need help now your SIL has. Maybe your MIL can split her time between you which would at least be something - that might be enough.

Is this true? If so I wouldn’t worry about the first 3 months- that’s the easy part! You don’t have a baby on the grounds your MIL is going to help you, you have a baby for you and your partner. This is bonkers!

You don’t need looking after for 2.5 months after having a baby!

Your baby will only want you. You will only want your baby. Your DH will be on hand for the first 2 weeks to bring you plenty of tea and toast. Then after that, you and your baby will fall into a little routine together.

You will be absolutely fine! Enjoy your baby x

You and your baby are going to be OK. You don't need your MIL to make everything right - you can do it without her. I can see why it feels destabilising/upsetting if she's someone you've always felt you can count on though.

If you aren't capable of looking after your own child have you looked into adoption

I am in a similar position. My family isn't very hands on, in laws are, SIL (both married in) had a baby the same time as me. Her family are very involved, so she has a lot of support.

Is what's upsetting you the feeling of being let down?

I'm very independent (had no choice lol) so I wouldn't have wanted people in my house all the time, but sometimes I'm sad my family aren't as involved.

This. Very needy

Our dc was the first dgc.
Dumped like a hot potato when sil gave birth exactly a year later... Yabu to rely on anyone op.

It might end up the better outcome. I could not think of anything worse than having someone staying in my house for 3 months regardless of how much I liked them. The baby will want you and you’ll likely want to spend time alone with your partner and baby bonding.