jealous of SIL

[flabinos]

my parents are not maternal and have no interest in grandchildren.

I always wanted kids but felt so worried and overwhelmed. I struggle with sleep as it is. My MIL who was desperate for grandkids, doesn't work and just wants to devote the rest of her life to her grandkids, put me at ease. She lives on a different continent but her visa allows her to stay here 3 months at a time.

She said she would be here for the 2 weeks before my birth and the 2.5 months after to take care of my every need. She made it sounds so kind and supportive and it's the reason we went ahead and conceived rather than waiting another couple of years.

Well I told MIL on the down low that I was pregnant at 2 weeks. Told her we need to keep it quiet as it's early days. She shrieked which led my SIL to come and see if she was ok, so my SIL found out I was pregnant. SIL and DP brother live with the in-laws.

4 weeks later I get a happy call from my SIL, they are also pregnant, just two weeks behind me.

SIL has her own supportive mother who loves children and lives around the corner but insists she really needs MILs support so MIL says she needs to be there to support her. So now MIL plans to arrive a couple days before my C section date (flights not booked yet as we don't have this date), meet my baby and leave a couple of days after c - section and support SIL for months.

I'm just moody and jealous. I love MIL. Shes the only motherly figure I have and I feel so cared for around her, I hate that she's just dipping in and out and it feels so unfair. I feel so second best and I just really want to be chosen.

I think DH should get his mother to agree to a longer stay - he can sell it on the basis that she will need more time between such long flights and that he misses her and wants to spend extra time with her. If she stays for the first two weeks after the birth, it will still make a big difference to you.

You may also find that once the first couple of weeks are over you enjoy nesting in with your baby and DH on your own.

Your own mother may surprise you - especially if you ask for help directly and specifically.

I’m sorry I imagine that’s very disappointing. Have you tried telling MIL how this is affecting you and that SIL has her own mother nearby?

Actually, it doesn't.

The other son's wife will have the majority of her MIL's time and attention and in addition will have help from her own mother. I think it's very unfair that the MIL has backtracked her offer. She should make the split the other way.

You are going to be a parent. You need to not rely on your mil. Much better to stand on your own two feet. It may se m unfair but you will b in a much stronger position than your sil for it in the future.

You just twisted 3 months' assistance with a c-section new mum and newborn into "You planned a pregnancy on the basis of someone coming to raise your baby for you"? Your intentional misinterpretation is very nearly a lie.

Did you mean to be so malicious?
Why on earth have you mentioned adoption?

It is disturbing how your post comes across as very mean-spirited. What are you projecting?

I mentioned adoption as op stated they wouldn't have had a baby at this point in life if they knew mil wasn't coming to look after the baby. If they dont want or can't cope with an innocent baby without mil then they shouldn't be having a baby.

You won’t need her to help with a newborn. It’s when they are older ans you need babysitting/childcare that she can be useful

I also know it will be hard and much easier with her there

No idea where you get that from. I’ve had several. Neither sets of grandparents, or indeed any family, were within visiting distance (most lived a plane flight away). We just got on with it ourselves, and for most DH took a week off work, as back then there was no paternity leave rights where we are. With one, he only got the 3 days I was in hospital so he could manage the other kids, and that was fine. I actually think that’s a lot easier than having someone ‘helping’ where you don’t get in a routine/rhythm yourself, and then have to start over anyway when they leave, best to start as you are going to go on. So, unless you are having triplets or something, it’s really the best thing.

So you got pregnant so you could be looked after by your MiL, and your now peed off that she’s not coming for as long as u wanted . Oh dear

I think everyone focusing on how OP can manage without her MIL are focusing on the wrong thing. Its true of course. But OP has an emotional wound because of her own parents. These feelings of jealousy are unlikely to go away on their own OP and will likely intensify once the babies are born. I would look to have therapy while you're pregnant to dig into this. For what its worth I imagine your MIL's behaviour isn't driven by valuing your SIL more- she probably feels threatened by SIL's mother being around and wants to establish herself as top granny (as she says she lives for children etc- its an identity thing for her)