jealous of SIL

[flabinos]

my parents are not maternal and have no interest in grandchildren.

I always wanted kids but felt so worried and overwhelmed. I struggle with sleep as it is. My MIL who was desperate for grandkids, doesn't work and just wants to devote the rest of her life to her grandkids, put me at ease. She lives on a different continent but her visa allows her to stay here 3 months at a time.

She said she would be here for the 2 weeks before my birth and the 2.5 months after to take care of my every need. She made it sounds so kind and supportive and it's the reason we went ahead and conceived rather than waiting another couple of years.

Well I told MIL on the down low that I was pregnant at 2 weeks. Told her we need to keep it quiet as it's early days. She shrieked which led my SIL to come and see if she was ok, so my SIL found out I was pregnant. SIL and DP brother live with the in-laws.

4 weeks later I get a happy call from my SIL, they are also pregnant, just two weeks behind me.

SIL has her own supportive mother who loves children and lives around the corner but insists she really needs MILs support so MIL says she needs to be there to support her. So now MIL plans to arrive a couple days before my C section date (flights not booked yet as we don't have this date), meet my baby and leave a couple of days after c - section and support SIL for months.

I'm just moody and jealous. I love MIL. Shes the only motherly figure I have and I feel so cared for around her, I hate that she's just dipping in and out and it feels so unfair. I feel so second best and I just really want to be chosen.

Your first few months with your baby are so precious, you seriously, surely would not want your mil moving in?
You'll be fine just you when your husband goes back to work. It's important that you build a bond with your baby without her being there to "help".

But if SIL lives with them then it’s obvious MIL’s going to be their main support. I think it’s lovely she’s still coming over for the birth, perhaps keep that in mind as a positive? And next time don’t tell anyone at two weeks! Ten maybe, but not two!

Honestly think yourself lucky! When that baby comes the last thing you’ll need is your MIL stealing all the baby cuddles. Join an NCT group and try to make your own support network of friends.

mums net is a crazy place: someone just suggested I give my child up for adoption! that one made me laugh.

This post is more about the sadness of coming second, and feeling left out and unimportant and jealous. Being led to believe one thing, then having that taken away. Not that I can't possible do it without MIL. I know I can. I also know it will be hard and much easier with her there.

It's really about how quickly she chose SIL over me when she could have chosen both of us.

How long is the flight from her country to yours?

What is your husband’s view on the situation? Has he said anything about his mother deciding not to come now?

DP is unsurprised it's not the first time we're not the priority. The fight is long from South America and needs a change over too (never direct)

She said she would be here for the 2 weeks before my birth and the 2.5 months after to take care of my every need.

I think this is an absolute insane suggestion and I don’t understand it at all.
Why would you need to be looked after?

I highly doubt your MIL would have actually wanted to come over and play maid to you and your baby for 3 months and so when the excuse that SIL is having a baby, she’s grabbed the opportunity to go home.

This isn’t about you vs SIL.
This is about MIL being in another country for 3 months being an unpaid maid/carer vs being in her own home.

@Jellox she did it for DP cousin whose mum passed away when she gave birth. Moved in for two months. She lives for children and just loves caring for people, she says it's her purpose.

I know I don't NEED it, I'm just jealous SIL is going to be getting all this and I'm not.

You told her you’re pregnant at 2 weeks??!!

Why??

That’s the most batshit thing I’ve ever read on here.

I’m hoping it’s a typo and you mean 12 weeks lol

I know I don't NEED it, I'm just jealous SIL is going to be getting all this and I'm not.

But only because they live together.
I don’t think it’s anything personal about you.

Why do you and DH live in a different country?
If you have no family here would you not think about relocating?

@Jellox why not? many people tell their mums when they pee on the stick. I wasn't posting it on Facebook.

we live in England. DP ended up here by chance and we met. There is nowhere we can move in the UK where we will have family support. My family just aren't into kids or helping. Neither of us wish to live in South America.

Forget your MIL but address your anxiety - that’s the real issue here! As someone who had no support - DH around for first two weeks but my parents lived abroad and in laws had no interest - you will cope. I had a section and the worst part of the first two months was how boring it was once the novelty wore off! I went from working full time to just me and the baby. I joined the local NHS post natal group when my DS was three weeks and went for long walks with him every day.
Don’t worry you will do fine.

No they don’t.

Most people don’t even pee on the stick until at least 4 weeks and even then they wait to tell people.

You planned a pregnancy on the basis of someone coming to raise your baby for you, you said if you had known that mil wasn't going to do this then you wouldn't of had a baby for a few years. So i don't think adoption is that ridiculous. People don't have babies for other people they have them for themselves to care for when they are ready to care for them, you are not

OP- it’s ok to be disappointed and also ok to be a bit miffed that if SIL just started a family 6 months before or 6 months later, you’d have a different situation. It’s ok to feel this.

But given you live on a different continent than MIL, she was never going to be a hands on grandmother and a major part of your dcs lives. As SIL lives with MIL, of course her dcs will be raised with seeing MIL everyday and have a very different experience, but as you say, you don’t want to live in South America and you might find that help comes at a price of interference you wouldn’t enjoy anyway.

it’s lovely she’s coming over at all.

Having had a c section, the first week or so is the worst, if your dh can be off work for the first 2 weeks, that should cover the major healing period. (My dh could only take 2 weeks off and I had an older dc as well, by week 3 I was in a much better shape).

Oh and yes, if you are used to working full time, before the baby arrives, find out when all the mum and baby groups are, have a plan for every day of the week. (Doesn’t need to be a full day plan, but eg Monday morning I’ll go to the mum and baby group in the church hall. Tuesday is baby singing at the library at 2pm, Wednesday we’re going to another church’s mum and baby group, Thursday is “buggy fitness” in the park etc) Having a plan, meet people, join NCT if you can afford it. Build your network of local parents as you might need to build your own village if you don’t have a family one.

“SIL has her own supportive mother who loves children and lives around the corner but insists she really needs MILs support”

OP, that’s very upsetting for you, especially as SIL has her own DM to help. I would predict that there will be feathers flying between your SIL’s DM and DMIL as they both vie to be “top Granny”. I would have thought MIL would have WANTED to come and help, especially as you have made clear that your own DM isn’t at all interested. All I can say by way of comfort, OP, is that MILs can tend to try and take over - if I had had to have my MIL for a month after I’d had a baby, I think we might have come to blows! And you will manage, I promise you. After my DM left when I had my DS, I remember thinking well that’s it: I don’t know what will happen now because I just don’t know how to take care of him - but you really will know, and you just need to have a bit of faith in yourself. (DS is now 40.). Best of luck, Op - you will manage!

Ahh that must be so upsetting for you. Its a shame you arent closer. At least she still coming over for a bit. Maybe when she is over you can ask her if can come again in few months as you really value her snd have noone else. Other than that ask your midwife health visitor for detsils of groups lically. Mine for both bsbies in different areas ran little classes for 6 weeks from those i met a group of 5 other mums and we met weekly we still meet now for bbq and nights out now our kids are older. We all needed each other. Be brave be the person to suggest coffee meet up offer your house some will be so grateful smd you start making your own support network.
and dont think negatively having and caring a baby could be what you are made for amd you might just take to it like a duck in water. You will never be alone again you now have your little family x

So many threads on here where GPs have over promised and undelivered childcare. Usually it’s toddlers not newborns but the principal is exactly the same. Usually it’s not malicious so much as overestimating the time and commitment they’re willing to give when caught up in the excitement. Ultimately the responsibility for the child is on you and DH, and where you need help it’s much more reliable to pay for it. And honestly MIL or anyone staying for 3 months no matter how lovely they are would sour pretty quickly. To flip it on its head I’d be grateful you only have a short visit planned so you don’t have to stress about anyone other than yourself and baby!

Practically speaking get DH to take 1-2 weeks holiday off the back of his 2 weeks pat leave. Do NCT, the course content is not particularly helpful but it’s great to engineer a ready made local support network. Get out to baby groups as soon as you can. Buy in whatever other help you can e.g. a cleaner and stock the freezer with pre paid meals. You will be fine! SIL will probably end up jealous of you just blissfully doing your own thing without 2 Grandmas competing to be top Granny 🤣

Honestly OP, I get it. My parents died young so never met my kids even though I was fairly young when I had them and my MIL was so busy with her own DD’s older children that she never really got involved or bonded with ours. Doubt she could pick them out of a crowd now they are grown up, sad as it is.

However, the first three months are probably easiest of the first year. You might be glad to have this time as your own little unit. Could she wait and come once your baby is 3 or 4 months? A new born sleeps a tremendous amount, you’ll need the help more once they’re a bit older and want a bit of attention.

Why is there always an expectation on the woman, not the man, what about the father in law?

@flabinosalternative theory, because your MIL’s behaviour doesn’t make sense. Do you think she’s using your SIL as an excuse because she doesn’t want to travel? She’s obsessed with having grandkids as you say and because of your SIL she will shortly have one on her doorstep without a long stint away from home

I get it. It would really hurt me too. I’m in a weird situation with my very new SIL. She’d been dating my BIL for 4 months when she accidentally got pregnant at 42. I had just found out I had ovarian endometriosis. This was in October. I have had a lot of really not great feelings about it

I don’t know if this helps, but grandparents who are obsessive about grandkids can often make it all about them and become very interfering. It hurts but in the long run you may be better off. Can you afford to get any help after the C section? If you can’t, I would consider telling your MIL you’re quite hurt by this and see how she tries to explain herself. Your SIL has her mother around the corner and she’s gone back on what she said to you

OP - I think it’s completely valid to be upset about this. You were hoping for support that now won’t be available.

For what’s it’s worth I told my own mum the moment a positive line came up with all my pregnancies so I don’t think it’s weird. I would have needed her support if things hadn’t worked out. My own MiL is lovely but not local and I don’t think I could have allowed myself to be as vulnerable post partum in front of her as I could with my own mum. I’m sorry that your own mum isn’t willing to offer support. Hopefully if you’re ever lucky enough to be a grandmother one day you can make sure you break that cycle for your children.

Have you heard of the charity Homestart? It would be worth investigating and seeing if they operate in your area. My midwife referred me to them during one of my pregnancies as I was so low and lonely and had little emotional support available during the day. They assigned me the loveliest lady to support me. She used to come weekly for a couple of hours for a chat and a cup of tea and we would play with the kids and it lifted my spirits so much. It helped me so much while I needed it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it all works out ok for you.

Call a spade a spade! My thoughts exactly. Poor kid…

OP I am absolutely sure in time you will be celebrating. Your sil will be very unlikely to want her MIL and mum fighting for two months.

enjoy the fact you have peace to find your routine without interference.

The reality is at that stage, baby needs you. I was so unwell after my first baby but honestly, someone moving in and taking over might have just finished me off.