Moving to the country - 18 year old about to start uni - would you ?

[Readysteadife]

We live in a city , bus stop right outside all the usual city stuff !
we have put an offer in on a house about 40 mins away, lovely house in small village a- no shop, bus or pub. Nearest town is 7 miles away .
Our daughter is off to uni in September and we thought this would be a good time for us to move to the country as this has always been my husband and my dream.

any experience of this ? Is this sensible now my daughter is off to uni ?

I’d probably give it another year. Most students come home for their first summer, and a fair bit in between. It is a very unsettled time for a young person. Once she’s been there a year visits will become much less frequent, and she’ll be less reliant on you, I think. So I’d keep the family home until she is settled in properly. It’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. Could you aim to move as she goes into her second year.

These replies are mental. You aren't a slave to your children's whims until they're middle aged!
Seven miles to the town (where there are buses elsewhere?) is nothing. It's half an hour for a fit person on a bike. Or she can learn to drive. Her choices!

My friend's parents moved a similar distance as soon as she left for uni. When she came home to stay, she cycled or drove the eight miles into the village to see people. She learned to drive because she knew she was becoming an independent adult and wouldn't expect her parents to baby her forever. She often preferred to cycle though, in all weathers. She never once said that she thought her parents should have stayed in the previous village even though they were desperate to move, just so they could provide her with an easier social life when she was home from uni. How entitled that would be!

She needs to learn to drive, it’s a life skill that will open up so many opportunities for her and the older she gets the harder it will be. She’s also got to gain more independence but being a ‘homebody’ sounds like you might need to force it a bit, so the move might help.
We already live semi rurally and are totally car dependent (other than leisurely strolls to the pub!) although we can get Uber fairly easily due to being halfway between a city and a large town, so if there’s any part of you that doesn’t want to have to drive everywhere all the time, don’t do it!

You say your DD is a 'homebody' - what is she like mentally/emotionally?

If we'd done this DS1 wouldn't have cared, but DS2 would have been devastated (also a homebody, neurodiverse, and very affected by change).

Living near a city has been important for both of them in terms of advancing their careers post-uni and DS2 is still living with us.

One of DS1's friends' parents moved out to Devon when he went to uni (he's an only child) and it has been miserable for him. He can't find work in his chosen career nearby, and he can't afford to move to London where a lot of the work is.

I think moving from a city to the countryside when you have a teenager is mad. They will still be home for 4-5 months of the year and why would they want to spend that time in a place where they don't know anyone and there is nothing productive or fun for them to do?

Is your H her dad? If not, will her dad still live in the town she grew up so that she can go and stay with him for the months she is off school?

I think it’s a really bad idea for her first year. No one is saying you can’t move but hanging on for a year until you know she’s settled isn’t asking too much. My DSs best friend’s parents are doing this and everyone including their children think they’re nuts. I live rurally and kids who don’t drive are very rare - it’s no good you saying it’s her choice not to drive. If you currently live somewhere with good public transport she doesn’t need to. She probably can’t comprehend what it’s like not to have buses or trains. We have no buses due to living on the border of 3 counties and the last train home from the nearest town is 8pm - it’s shit unless you have a car.

edited to add - we don’t have any Ubers here and deliveroo etc is not a thing either. Like I say shit for anyone who hasn’t grown up like this

That's what I was thinking too. It might sound idyllic now, but there might come a time when it is just too isolated. Especially since there is no public transport.

Between graduating and learning to drive how will she get to jobs if she is at the new house?

It would actually be my idea of hell. No public transport for non driving visitors, no shops to even buy milk. I know everyone is different but I couldn’t do it. No house beats being able to move around freely and popping into a shop when you need to (for me anyway).

From what you say you are only 40 minutes from where you live now, so it's not that much of a difference.

If your daughter drives, I don't think she will care.

My only concern would be whether it's a good long term move for you if there is no shop, no bus and no pub. What would you do if you were unable to drive? is there much community?

They aren’t at uni long, mine finished for year 6/5.
It sounds like she won’t be able to work if she comes home in hols if nothing nearby and no public transport. So realistically you’ll need to accept she won’t come home much.
She could choose to stay in uni city in holidays if easier to work there or go abroad eg Camp America.
If she can’t drive and no public you’ll need to take her to train if she does come home for weekend.
I don’t think her waiting to learn to drive is sensible if you are moving so rurally.

For balance, I grew up in London and had jobs in the university holidays but it was never less than a 40 minute commute.

However, would you be happy about her driving down dark country lanes as a new driver?

It is very different.
Some things to consider are :
Very old properties can be money pits.
Depending on how rural you are you may have some facilities locally or barely any.
Your trades will not be so easy to get hold of. Again depending on how far out you are. Or how well off your village is perceived to be. If it is viewed as well off and not too far out they will come.
You will be used to just popping to the city. On foot. You won’t pop anywhere as readily if you live in the countryside.
Rural life can be smelly.
And for some reason I cannot fathom cars often speed.

And your daughter is right about finding work after uni. She will need a car depending on how far out you are. Bus services can be cut and are often unreliable.

Have lived in suburbia, city and rurally. They all have their good points and not so good. But city to rural is really quite a difference.

Ds learned to drive over the summer of his year 1 uni holidays. He turned 17 during lockdown and then couldn't get a driving lesson at all so he was 19 when he started driving.

Summer holiday from uni was the very end of May to the end of September meaning he had 4 months to have lessons and pass his test. Luckily he got a cancellation and passed just before he went back. Ds2 did the exact same thing.

Uni holidays are long, mine had/have 4 weeks at Christmas, 5 weeks for Easter then 4 months off over summer. We chose where we live now so that the children could live at home whilst working post uni and save for a house. However, we like living in a city.

If she doesn't drive after uni how is she getting to any job she might get in the larger town/city she has to travel to if there is little public transport? She needs to learn to drive as soon as she can. Or she may well choose to live elsewhere but may need money to do that if she doesn't have a job.

I think the reality is that it will heavily dissuade her from coming “home”, so it depends on your approach to parenting.

It sounds like you are more of the “push them out of the nest” persuasion, so it might be a benefit to you. You’re not literally pushing her out, but you are making it unpleasant and inconvenient for her to come home, so she will be out of your hair sooner and you can can have your child-free life back.

We went the other way, moving from rural to suburbs when they were mid-teens so they would have better transport links, more opportunities for part time jobs, and easier to get home from uni when they wanted to (while having enough time before uni for the new house to be home). Once they are a couple of years post-uni we will move again to somewhere that is more just for us as a couple.

My parents moved 180 miles just as my youngest sibling went to uni - my father's employer moved, and he had a very niche role, so they didn't have much choice. I was already settled in the opposite direction. Where they live is very pretty, and they have a big house. However it isn't my home, and never has been. We don't visit much (we're 250 miles away, which doesn't help), and neither do my siblings. I think we could all drive when they moved (I passed at 17). You're not planning anything like that distance, but it wasn't positive for us. They are now a long way away as they age (I'm close to 50) and that isn't great either.....

Having been brought up in villages from birth to 18, there’s no way I would move to one now in my early 60s. Especially not to one with no amenities. My parents lived in one and when my mum died my dad was stuck because he had stopped driving several years before for health reasons. There were no buses either.
Your DD is lees likely to return to loving at home after uni. Maybe I should have moved out of London after all (both adult DCs still living with us).

Can you suggest she might want to learn this summer to help plan ahead?

At 18 she should be organising her own travel to get anywhere. I never understand ferrying adults about everywhere. I would have been embarrassed to ask mummy for a lift at that age. Make the move OP

If it’s really rural with no public transport though it’s really hard on a teen to be independent. In a city she’d be able to get to work or to station under her own steam. Even if she passes test insurance is sky high.

I think you can put yourselves first now. 26 years of prioritising DC is a long time. But people are right who say you may see less of DD in the holidays.

My parents did exactly this. The only difference is that I could drive. When I went home for holidays I was out quite a lot but I don’t think the situation was different because of where we lived. If we went on a night out I sometimes stayed at friends houses or sometimes left earlier and got the last train and one of my parents collected me from the station a few miles down the road. I made the choice not to live at home after uni because I didn’t want to be so far from the city but I didn’t feel upset or pushed out or anything I just made the decision to move into a flat share instead of going back home.
if she doesn’t want to learn to drive then she’ll have to accept that she has to fit in with your plans as to getting lifts and things.

My parents moved about 150 miles when I was in my first year at uni - it was always their plan as my dad took semi retirement and it wouldn’t have occurred to them to consult their children about it. Moved from a crappy new town to live rurally in the West Country.

It was a bit strange at the time but I met people my age and had a good social life. I could drive which gave a bit of independence.

DH and I did the same when eldest DC started uni (but much further away). Again, he knew it was always the plan - we actually stayed longer than optimal so that he could do Sixth Form. He used to go back to the city where he grew up to stay with friends, but now in late 20s they’ve all scattered. He says home is where we are.

The fact that you’re only moving a relatively short distance should help. I would echo other’s concerns about moving somewhere with no services - I like that we have shops and pubs in walking distance, and a decent bus service.

She’d be cutting it fine to try and learn to drive before she goes to uni in September, even if she manages to get to test standard in 4 months, which many don’t, getting tests is still difficult and if you fail you have to wait two weeks before trying again and that’s if you get a cancellation. Learning while you are at uni is possible but she won’t have a car to practice in between lessons, at least you could give her plenty of practice now.