I love my children but …

[gozzlebear]

Hopefully this post won’t come across as negatively as it may read, as that isn’t the intention. I love my children and I am grateful to have them. But … sometimes I feel like it’s very thankless and that it will never end. Or that when it does I will be quite an elderly lady and perhaps no longer interested in the things I used to be interested in. Hard to say.

I have two children, they are nearly three and five. I thought three would be a turning point but to be honest it isn’t looking likely 🤦🏼‍♀️ obviously some things are easier but we still have very early wakings (fucking hate them; the day lasts forever) I can’t listen to my own music in the car, I can’t watch what I want to on TV until they are in bed and honestly by that point I’m shattered myself.

It feels gruelling and relentless. I used to think when they are both at school it would be a turning point again but then the long school holidays are exhausting to fill. (Not to mention expensive.)

I know all this sounds a bit bleak but I do sometimes feel a bit as if I have the longest shift in the world with no breaks or lunch hour. I remember feeling exactly that when dc1 was born, and of course it’s got a lot easier in many ways and I hope it will get easier still but that sense of having vanished as a person myself hasn’t.

Sounds hard op hang in there.

IME 7-7.5 yrs old was a turning point in a sense of starting to truly enjoy outings and holidays, and when i didn't have to be the constant entertainer when my DC wasn't at school or nursery.

I love my kids but I wish my mum was alive to be our support system and part of our lives x

Thanks. It’s hard, isn’t it … feels so very tiring and joyless. They are nice children alone.

OP I feel you. I remember feeling exactly the same. I had kids who screamed in the car, too, to the point I didn’t go anywhere more than a 10 minute drive away. Turns out all 3 are ASD (not the point, and not saying yours are at all, but I find it validating now b/c at the time everyone was WTF stop pandering to them all kids love the car and they’ll go to sleep eventually: a theory we tested by driving to France). Mine are now late teens and there are plenty of moments of joy. I completely lost my sense of self in the early years; I have one now but I’m completely different. I had to let go of a lot. It’s a tough process and sending an “I see you.” Prioritise sleep where you can and get your bloods checked. It will change. X

I’m currently hiding from everyone in the bedroom pretending I have a migraine. I don’t have a migraine; I just can’t stand the screaming/whining

Haha I bet you’d recommend having 6 hours to yourself every day!

Two year olds are something else entirely. It’s like they are posessed by a demon. Screaming every day, difficult to calm them down. Mine is very clingy to me day and night and also can never decide what she wants. ‘I want it’ ‘i don’t want it’ ‘i want it’ ‘put it back’.

Is their father giving you plenty of time off for yourself?

Yes. We have that too! It’s kind of a relief when people reply with ‘real’ two year olds, and not hypothetical reasonable ones. DD can be really lovely and sweet and she’s bright, healthy and lovely but so exhaustingly unreasonable 😩

Solidarity OP. Mine are very similar ages and it’s often a massive struggle. My eldest is generally a good, reasonable, kind kid on his own or with his friends…but being with DC2 seems to cause him to morph into an impulsive, self centred, overexcited loon. Youngest is a 2 nearly 3 year old and while he is cute he is also so full on, high energy and irrational. I find them together very hard work because they aren’t quite able to properly play together yet. DC1 isn’t really into ‘play’ very much anyway, he much prefers kicking a football around or riding his bike or building Lego. Basically nothing his brother can be involved in, despite DC2’s best efforts…

Oh we are also in camp ‘10h sleep at night is all you are getting’. If they both picked the same night to sleep 12h I’d think I’d won the lottery!

Im exhausted and I can’t believe I ever found DC1 hard work when he was my only to be honest 😬

I’m interested in all of these comments about having time off at the weekend. During the week, I work 4 long days (gone by 7:45am and not home until 5:45pm) with no option to work from home. I also occasionally have to work unsociable hours eg nights/weekends. I feel I should really prioritise the DC at the weekend as I feel so absent during the week. I tend to give them basically all of me save for maybe a 45 minute gym class or a meal out with friends once a month . DH is amazing and does way more than 50% of home chores as his work is a lot more flexible than mine. If I wanted more time away from the kids he’d definitely facilitate it. But I think i’d just spend the whole time feeling guilty about spending yet more time away from them, even though working all week then having no real downtime at the weekend is pushing me to burn out.

It’s so hard basically.

Feminism didn't take into account men would never step up for them..

Just think Putin, Trump, and that creep in North Korea. Already making his daughter to be like him.

<shudder>

I identify for different reasons @Clockbook . I’m lucky to work part time but it does add to that feeling of life revolving around the children. Then I have them all weekend too!

Well, my friends in your situation, who choose to leave, found life far better. They no longer had to live with someone who made them feel resentful, they had every other weekend child free and they got enjoy thir children with less work as they didn't have a useless blob to look after as well.

I had 4 under 5 (third pregnancy was twins). I found that stage brutal.

They are now all independant teenagers. Last Sunday, I slept in until 9am and read until 11! No-one came to get me .

I did chores peacefully in the day as they were busy revising for exams. Then the oldest and I went out for an early dinner and cinema.

Gets much beter from 6/7 Id say. :-)

I sympathise. And you can’t parent them through developmental stages any faster. If they aren’t old enough to learn self control in the car then they aren’t. My DS has almost zero impulse control - it goes with his ADHD. There’s a limit to what parenting can do.

Lack of sleep is the real killer though! You can cope with so much more after a decent sleep. I don’t know if it would work for you, but I prep the kids’ breakfast the night before (sandwiches usually, something they won’t choke on), then when the little darling wake before dawn I give them the food, make sure the stair gate is locked and go back to bed. I kept brio, duplo etc in my room so they could play quietly in with me when they were really small. It’s not ideal but it was better than me getting up. My mum recommended it - she used to leave a bottle of milk outside my door so I’d drink that than play alone.