I love my children but …

[gozzlebear]

Hopefully this post won’t come across as negatively as it may read, as that isn’t the intention. I love my children and I am grateful to have them. But … sometimes I feel like it’s very thankless and that it will never end. Or that when it does I will be quite an elderly lady and perhaps no longer interested in the things I used to be interested in. Hard to say.

I have two children, they are nearly three and five. I thought three would be a turning point but to be honest it isn’t looking likely 🤦🏼‍♀️ obviously some things are easier but we still have very early wakings (fucking hate them; the day lasts forever) I can’t listen to my own music in the car, I can’t watch what I want to on TV until they are in bed and honestly by that point I’m shattered myself.

It feels gruelling and relentless. I used to think when they are both at school it would be a turning point again but then the long school holidays are exhausting to fill. (Not to mention expensive.)

I know all this sounds a bit bleak but I do sometimes feel a bit as if I have the longest shift in the world with no breaks or lunch hour. I remember feeling exactly that when dc1 was born, and of course it’s got a lot easier in many ways and I hope it will get easier still but that sense of having vanished as a person myself hasn’t.

Thanks. I am married but DH isn’t very helpful - probably a topic for another thread but it’s easier for me to just assume I’m the one who does the parenting bit.

I have been feeling really tired and a bit drained of late. Not sure why. I do love them but feel overwhelmed and chaotic regularly!

Imagine someone not working Monday to Friday!😱

I feel the same, oldest has additional needs and it's 7-12 most day's with lot's of wake ups. We also have a 2 yr old and newborn. I never get to do anything I want or watch anything on TV. I've just came in from an exhausting 4hrs from school pick up. I've done nothing right for the 2 oldest 🙄. I handed oldest to his Nana for the weekend and he hates me and will misbehave and dad has been left with the youngest 2. He's working from home and finishes in 11/2hrs but I've had enough and locked myself in the bathroom.

Sorry it is feeling tough op.

They can tricky ages, but I think this sounds trickier than it needs to be. You ought to be able to listen to your music. I think maybe you need to give yourself the leeway to assert yourself here. Calm voice; Today I am listening to my music, tomorrow is your turn. Screaming about that needs consequences. We just would not have let ours dictate that much, and I think that is making it worse than it needs to be. You are allowed to be "mean" in order to have some boundaries.

What’s wrong with working Monday-Friday? Millions if not billions of people do.

I was simply stating that I don’t. Instead I work 4 x 12 hour night shifts but the plus side of that is I get 5 days off in between. I only have to use 4 holidays to get 2 weeks off work. I couldn’t go back to a M-F working schedule and I have great respect for those who do manage it alongside family life because I couldn’t without burning out.

Not sure what your reaction is meant to imply.

This is the problem.

I refuse to be held hostage by my children or so every last tiny thing is about them.

Put your own music on and let them scream. You’re their parent, not a slave.

I am sorry to be blunt but did you expect gratitude? I am currently pregnant and fully aware that children are ungrateful and frankly they don’t owe me anything. It was my decision. I know it will be hard and exhausting as it is for you, but it was your choice and I think once you realise and accept that, then your life will be much easier mentally and physically. Children are children, they don’t ask to be born or to be taken care of - they just are. This is why adults/parents take the responsibility for their decision and we need to accept the sacrifices and uncertainty. We can’t give them back. I think it is about changing your mentality around it..

It's actually a dig at those who are not aware many work in many jobs that don't do Monday to Friday. So being around Monday to Friday doesn't mean you're jobless once schools go in at 9am..
I used to work shifts years ago.

YANBU, honestly people without children just live on a completely different planet to us. They literally have no idea of the insane amount of free time they have, no idea at all. The fact they can sleep 11-7 and not be woken up, every single night literally blows my mind.

I think they look at us and think ‘cooking meals, reading to them, yeah I can do that, that doesn’t even look too stressful’. But what if I told them they had just signed a contract committing to cooking a meal for 4 people every single night without fail for the next 5,000 days? It looks very different then doesn’t it? Plus the SLEEP. I cannot even describe how disordered my sleeping has become as an adult. I can’t remember the last time I slept 6 hours in a row without waking up. Not only does my oldest still wake in the night at nearly 7, thanks to years of baby and toddler adjustment I am now the world’s lightest sleeper. Once of my kids coughing jolts me awake. It’s ridiculous. I am beyond exhausted. It’s been years now and shows no bloody sign of improving.

I can’t even listen to people with zero caring responsibilities talking about being tired/busy as it actually makes me angry

I feel like people are really hung up on the music 😂 yes, it would be nice to listen to what I listen to but it is absolutely pointless to have it on to a cascade of screaming and arguments. Also potentially dangerous if I crashed. My five year old would be happy for me to have what I want on but would talk over it incessantly. It’s not being held hostage to not want to say ‘ok be quiet, I’m listening to music now’ (and would be heeded for all of one minute before I got ‘mummy’)

Needing control is normal at two nearly three and talking and asking a lot of questions is normal at five. I’m not concerned about this. It’s more the fact I never am alone so always have a child with me and no space / time to do any of the things I used to enjoy I suppose.

@cucumber4745 it isn’t about gratitude and tbh that’s a weird take from my post. It’s more about having a bit of space to actually think and not be interrupted or read a book or watch something I want to on TV. I guess it’s hard because I’m ‘on’ from 6 in the morning on a good day to around 8 at night; by that time I’m done and so I get around a measly hour for me before it all starts again. It does feel relentless at the moment. I’m just being honest.

No person on earth with full cognitive ability isn’t aware that people work outside the standard Monday-Friday or 9-5 schedule.

Revisiting as I’m having exactly the kind of day you seem to be referring to. Bad nights sleep (woken twice, once by oldest getting in the bed, second time by youngest coughing), then permanently awake by 6.30 (like every other bloody day of my life). Today has just been one long stint of negotiation, having to do the thinking for everyone. Do every last little thing for everyone. Against a backdrop of whinging, demanding, crying, ‘he/she did this…’, trying to get the kids to keep their hats/shoes/socks on, constant clearing up and toilet trips with the youngest… I’m just fucking knackered

I love the kids but honestly I just fantasise about the days when my life consisted of work, drinks, going on exciting dates and feeling a bit more alive, rested and desirable. The weight of my responsibilities is just enormous and it crushes me a lot of the time.

😂😂😂😂 yeah come back in 5 years and repeat that.

You aren't wrong OP its not all it is cracked up to be. I love my kids who are teens now more than I could have ever imagined but I've been hollowed out by motherhood. I'm not even that old but what was left of me is now being consumed by menopause and worry about how their lives will be in this world. I'd love another life just for me next time!

In many ways I think sticking at one is that sweet spot; you have enough time and money for you but with two (or more, not that I plan to rest this theory) you’re spread so thin.

Agree but ultimately (and I will be crucified for this here) I think generally it’s better for kids to have a sibling and our family just didn’t feel complete until DS arrived.

Today though I’m just craving a few drinks in the sunshine with some of my friends, and instead I’m stuck supervising them as they fight over the toys in the garden. I’m always ‘on’, always wired, always on high alert for something. It’s so draining

I don’t know … it depends doesn’t it? I do feel like they’d have a better life without the other tbh.

Yeah mine are 5 and 2 and both of them have already had big meltdowns today.

I feel same as you. I love my kids but i also can’t believe how much i have fucked my life, and they have only been a disaster for my health and wellbeing.

I have never put kiddy music on in the car though. They listen to the radio I want. I am the one driving, not them.

Naaaa. You can’t let that happen.

Put your music on woman! Watch the news, tell them it’s mummy’s coffee time and you will play with them in ten minutes.

You have to carve out some things for yourself. One of my rules was, the driver chooses the music, and when you are old enough to be the driver, you will get to choose.

@gozzlebear It gets a lot easier, I promise!

My two year old is … loud.

I don’t cope well with screaming. I just don’t, and in the car it’s like torture. I would genuinely be risking our lives and others if I insisted on ‘listening’ (in inverted commas) to my music with the result of her screaming the car down demanding hers.

I realise some of the ‘oh put your own music on you silly woman, what’s the worst that can happen’ type posts might be trying to cheer me up but it’s making me feel like everyone else is just merrily going about their day and doing what they used to do but with a compliant, cheery two year old.

It’s a phase and I’m sure we’ll come through the other side but right now she’s … not that nice; I don’t hugely enjoy being around her and I feel like the feeling is often mutual. I’m sure in a year I’ll have moved on. But the here and now is still shit.

I can relate, I definitely felt the same when mine were that age but it does get easier

No this 100% a topic for this thread. DH did 50/50 when we were not at work which meant I had time to myself and he did too.

I love this post! I agree although I wish now I was tougher. Parents these days seem to have a massive lack of confidence, I know I did. We are in fear of getting it wrong. And in doing so we pander to our kids and train them to see us as living for them only. Then when they do we get really angry about it!

Well yes but the thing is the it’s either LTB or don’t isn’t it? And neither will magically give me my life back.

@Dontlletmedownbruce so when I mow down one of your not pandered too kids because I’m not concentrating because my two year old is having a meltdown I’ll remind you of that. Obviously I’m being facetious there but no one is learning anything through prolonged screaming.