I love my children but …

[gozzlebear]

Hopefully this post won’t come across as negatively as it may read, as that isn’t the intention. I love my children and I am grateful to have them. But … sometimes I feel like it’s very thankless and that it will never end. Or that when it does I will be quite an elderly lady and perhaps no longer interested in the things I used to be interested in. Hard to say.

I have two children, they are nearly three and five. I thought three would be a turning point but to be honest it isn’t looking likely 🤦🏼‍♀️ obviously some things are easier but we still have very early wakings (fucking hate them; the day lasts forever) I can’t listen to my own music in the car, I can’t watch what I want to on TV until they are in bed and honestly by that point I’m shattered myself.

It feels gruelling and relentless. I used to think when they are both at school it would be a turning point again but then the long school holidays are exhausting to fill. (Not to mention expensive.)

I know all this sounds a bit bleak but I do sometimes feel a bit as if I have the longest shift in the world with no breaks or lunch hour. I remember feeling exactly that when dc1 was born, and of course it’s got a lot easier in many ways and I hope it will get easier still but that sense of having vanished as a person myself hasn’t.

I can’t speak for everyone only my own experience but broadly speaking - women and mothers make it so much harder for themselves because they want to wrap their children in cotton wool.

From your brief notes sounds like you can’t say no or haven’t put in firm boundaries (I might be wrong). Kids are arseholes at this age, it’s true, but making a rod for your own back can make it a miserable time.

Yes, this is the problem, I won’t have that time when they start school!

My younger one does go to nursery but it’s when I work so no break.

Oh I can say no, but if it’s ignored and they scream over it then it kind of negates the point. But I do agree I am a shit parent, it’s just it doesn’t really help with the present issue, does it?

But if you are turning the music off when they scream you are teaching them that screaming gets them what they want. Set the expectation, there will be songs played and we take turns. There will be no screaming through the song. Make it about taking turns, your eldest chooses a song, it gets played, your youngest chooses a song, it gets played, then you choose a song.

If the youngest screams through your song, pause it, remind them about taking turns and to not scream, play it and keep it playing ignoring any further screaming and then talk to them at the end. You could scream through their song for a bit too, so they understand more how it feels when it is done to them.

Setting expectations of behaviour is a good way to parent. Also when at home stick one earphone in your ear so you can keep sane by listening to your music but also interacting with your children, that is what the other ear is for.

Could you afford half a day extra at nursery so that you get a break at home without any children? I was lucky that my son's nursery only did full days and I worked 2 1/2 days so got half a day to myself. It was bliss.

It should get better as the youngest gets older. Right now you are deep in the trenches. Think how independent your eldest is and that too will happen with the youngest when he ages a bit. It is shit, but you have to wade through it. I tried to structure the day a bit so it didn't feel like free play all day. It made me feel a bit more in control to be honest.

You can grit your teeth though a bad day, but you cannot grit your teeth through the entirety of your children's childhood, for their sake, if not yours.

You are sleep deprived and your children are not behaving well.

You need to sort out your sleep as a priority.

Then you need to invest some time and energy into getting better behaviour from them. No child should be screaming for what they want and then getting it.

Your chilldren are not parcels. When you are in the car with your children, you should chat to them, or focus on your driving, or listen to stuff together that you all like.

Children's TV is great. Children's stories are great, children are great. Learn to like them. You have no other option.

Are you lone parenting? It sounds like the whole responsibility is on you and that's really tough.

Someone told us it would get easier when the youngest was 5 and that was definitely my experience. I hope it will be for you too.

Doesn’t negate the point at all? Say no - they scream. You don’t give in, and then they learn screaming gets them fuck all.

Giving in just makes it harder for yourself. Even at those ages, they are allowed to feel frustrated, upset or hard done by, sucks for them but will mean they turn into well-rounded adults and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them in real life.

Then they go to their room and play /read(older one) listen to stories /watch tv

mini blondes 9 goes up 7/730 and can watch tv or read till 8/830 - she gets some chill time. I get some evening

she’s a good girl tbh and I am lucky but as a working single parent who doesn’t get any ‘free’ time as with me full time , it’s tiring

I’ve skimmed the rest of the posts sorry - I’m not risking an accident because of screaming and distractions.

Anyway, it’s a bit back in the real world … like yes I could say go back to bed and they cheerfully would but they don’t. Or go for two minutes then come back!

What about going to work?

I mean, you’re comparing one nine year old to a two year old there, which isn’t really fair.

And two children have a hugely different dynamic together anyway. Like I can say to ds on his own go back to bed for a bit and he will … but the two year old isn’t there yet and once she’s up he’s up. This morning has been awful and I’m late for work because I just haven’t been able to manage everything. It does get me down sometimes to think the rest of my life is this, until they’ve left home anyway!

True she is older now and guess as one child she doesn’t have anyone to squabble

but she used to go up at 5/6 for 30mins

gives me/you a break

but yes it’s tiring but as they get older it is easier and won’t be till they leave home

as a teen I’m told they don’t come out of their rooms 😂

I totally understand, my 2.5 year old has just been dropped at nursery and I’m about to start work (at home) but I’m enjoying 10 mins in silence with a coffee and doom scrolling. This morning has been an utter drain from start to finish and I’m so glad to have a bit of space even though I’m working. I would class mine as a high-needs child, from birth she’s been extremely clingy and difficult, but is also funny, clever, and so sweet at times. It’s a constant rollercoaster of emotions and the days can feel absolutely endless. I really do try and treasure the good times but sometimes it’s so hard. Do you ever get any childfree time? My partner and I are good at alternating having time away to see friends etc. and we have good family support which really helps, but appreciate not everyone has that option. I also try and plan to see friends with kids at the weekends too, as I find sharing parental misery is a good way to survive the day 😀

I usually do crochet or watch TV whilst the DC are at school. It's exhausting dealing with children with additional needs so that is my respite time when they're both in school.

Thanks @CheesePlant5 . The only childfree time I get is at work, and so doesn’t count. I even have to drop dd at nursery on the way so I don’t get the commute alone. Really feeling it at the moment.

I found three a very tricky age.

they do get easier once they are in school and I personally found age 6-10 to be lovely. Old enough to sleep through the night (mostly) and do their own toileting etc and genuinely quite nice to be around.

Yes we centre them when they're little children but eventually it won't be this way. You'll look back and it'll be a blip.

Eh?! Like most people, I work when my kids are at school. I definitely don’t nap! I wish.

It’s relentless, OP. I’m in a similar boat though mine are a little older. Three is the worst age imo!

My youngest is 4 and is behaving marginally less insane. He also screams when we try to listen to our music – both at home and in the car. I’m a husk!

Some people don't work Monday to Friday or do shift work.....

I work a shift pattern rather than Monday-Friday so i regularly have 5 days off to spend doing whatever I please.

Are you a single parent?

I got sold the lie too that's it's better when they are at school. Its harder in my opinion to fit in work or anything else because the school day is shorter.
Are you a lone parent op? Do you have family or friends that might help with babysitting? I think it's really important to start carving out some time for you. It's really difficult I won't lie. Particularly when you're exhausted already.
Sometimes when I'm with my youngest (3) I really can't do much because he will want me cuddling him etc so I day dream about projects i will do one day on pinterest. Or I may have one headphone in and listen to a podcast whilst say doing a puzzle with them. Start small start something that you can fit in.

My older ones at 8 and 11 realise now that it's important for me to have interests and passions too. So they either join in (gardening/animals) or they respect my alloted time of a weekend to do it. My three year old doesn't give a shit and doesn't sleep well so it's still hard there😂

I had my first child at 21 then others at 23 & 30. I'm now 61 and 2 of them are still at home. I'm still doing the mum things, laundry, cleaning up after them, cooking...which i have always hated. I can't see a time when my mothering days will be done.
I decided to have children. I can't just stop caring just because they are older but at 61 i'm feeling tired more easily than when I was 21.

Are you a single mum? If you have a dp they need to help you more really and they are the ones that are supposed to show you appreciation, not the dc.
obviously if dad isn’t around that’s not really possible, are you able to get any other child free time (I’m not, so I’m not implying it’s easy) if you are but just aren’t using it you should. Either way it may be worth while trying to do something for you and appreciate yourself if there’s no one else to do it, even if it’s just something small.

re tv and music,
I purposely play some music I like at home and make a dance party for the kids for 5 mins ocassionally. Then when I play it in the car they know it and dance. Obviously only works for a few songs and songs you can dance to, but it’s something to broaden their taste.
also I wear a wireless headphone and listen to my own podcasts or music. I know it isn’t a ‘fix‘ but at least you can have something on one ear that is interesting to you.
I also play audiobooks for the dc in the car. So it’s not exactly brilliant for me, I’m obviously not that interested in some paw patrol story or whatever, but it’s a bit better than baby shark on repeat.

Ignore all the posts telling you how to parent differently/ better. OP you sound like an excellent, if exhausted and frazzled, mum.

You are in the trenches. It gets better. Or at least less constantly demanding. But that happens in shifts and stages. It's not like it suddenly gets better when they go to school (which as you point out, has it's own challenges - not least the short day).

Do you have a partner? If so, you need to be more selfish. Organise things for yourself. Coffees or evenings out, a walk, a run, whatever connects you back to yourself. Take it in turns to have a lie-in on the weekends (DH and I did this and it was a sanity-saver). The one lying in did not have to surfact until 10am. I'm a naturally early waker so I used to use it to read in bed in the morning. Bliss! Can your partner take them away for a day or night to visit their family or just on an outing? Do you have family who can have them for a sleepover occassionally.

In short - you need breaks and you need to do stuff for you. And you need some sleep. Then everything becomes more manageble.