Should I return to work full time?

[LilyLilacanna]

I went part time from my job when my son was born 5 years ago. Before I went off, I found my work overwhelming and was beginning to struggle with stress.
i had always said I would go back to work full time when my son went to school as financially it made sense.
my son is now at school and I really enjoy the work life balance of being part time. My husband got a promotion at work so he making more money now but he always said more money would take the pressure off him and make life a easier.
i find even when I do extra work for my job at home on my days off, everything in my house goes to pot - washing, cleaning, hoovering etc.

I’ve been asked if I want to return to my job full time - a kind of now or never offer and I don’t know what to do.
i know if I speak to my husband he will say do it but he doesn’t know what my work is like and how stressful it can be.
my parents want me to go back as they said it’s not good for my pension to keep working part time.
in my heart I am happier and calmer working part time and I can be more present for my son.

i don’t know what to do :(

Your parents are right about your pension, and it’s not really fair on your DH for him to carry so much of the financial load. If you go back FT, he will have to do half of the parenting and housework though.

It sounds like you weren’t coping at work before you had your son though, so it’s more about your own resilience and ability to cope with stress than it is the parenting load. Can you see a career coach or similar about that?

Have you had a really good talk with your husband about how stressful you find it, how unhappy you are working full time. That you'd need him to hold his end up doing housework etc. Surely it's better for your son to have you home more etc

Your husband has "always said more money would take the pressure off him and make life a easier."

You should listen to him, even if it means changing jobs.

It’s absolutely correct about your pension. I worked just 3 days a week for a short period when mine were babies but stepped back up to full time pretty soon. Even so, those few years part time knocked quite a bit off what my pension could be.

the main thing though is you and your dh both sharing the load (not just earning but all those household tasks.) I wouldn’t want to have to work full time and chase promotions for my dh to work part time with school age kids, so I wouldn’t expect it the other way around either. It’s not really fair for him to have the pressure of full time higher paid work so that you can work just part time.

if you really feel it’s the actual job which is the problem, could you look at doing something different?

Does it have to be that job? Also annual leave is a consideration - yes you'd get more if you work full time but it can be difficult to cover school holidays.

What about you doing 4 days and your dh doing the same?

I have a different view from the other posters. It’s not like you aren’t working already. School may be 5 days a week, but there are a lot of holidays and inset service days and occasional sickness. I was part time until DS was 10 and able to get the bus home and be home alone for a bit.
Yes it has impacted my pension, but there is only so much of me to go around and I don’t function well when extremely stressed. And yes of course DH should do more, but the reality is there’s only so much of him to go round.

What's part time? If you go back fulltime...will all the housework/ days off for sick kids etc be split?

I've only gone back 4 days so far...the 5th day is used for appointments, chores, errands etc. Also hobbies. Dh is fine with this...I probably still contribute half financially and we all have a better quality of life.

I might look for full-time from September but it makes the summer easier too.

Your pension and the stress on your DH of being the breadwinner are things to seriously consider. I really wouldn’t worry about the hoovering because wouldn’t the extra pay more than cover a cleaner? How many days do you work at the moment and is there a compromise option of say going from 3 to 4 days?

I would be going from 3 days which I am currently to 5 days.
My tax band would increase to 42% and my earnings I think would be around £1000 more per month.
Iam a teacher to I don’t have to worry about school holidays etc. being covered.
Even working 3 days I leave for work at 7.45am and don’t get him till after 5 some days and then my weekend and days off are often spent catching up on work I can’t get done during school time.
I have told my boss I think I can do my job well just now as I have those days off to catch up on work and I’m not solely responsible for all the marking, planning and preparation.

I’d discuss it with your DH. As part of that discussion, you need to discuss how all the work you do on the days you are at home will be covered. Presumably you are currently doing more child and house work than DH? Is his suggestion he takes over his fair (50%) share or has he factored in the costs of paying for external providers also into his calculation of ‘taking the pressure off and making life easier’? Also him taking his share of time off for school holidays and child illness?
I can understand his point of view, it IS a lot of pressure to be the main breadwinner and it might make sense for you to go FT for the family. If so put some serious thought into strategies to avoid the same issues of overwhelm you faced before.
However, please avoid the trap where you work FT but still are expected to take on the lions share all child and home related tasks. If you are going back to work FT, in principle you should be doing more than him.

Having been married to a teacher and knowing that 3 teaching days is basically equivalent to full time in another job what with the planning and marking etc I'd say stay as you are until maybe late primary tbh.

Income is good for 3 days a week at lower tax bracket. You could do supply and choose which days and how many each week, it's what I did and was great 👍 xx

Surely this is a reason to go full time and earn a full time salary? I have teacher friends who say similar to you… you could be working 3 or 4 days a week and in reality doing as much as you would if you were full time as It’s a very open ended job. Better to do full time and be strict with yourself about how many hours you do outside of school.

I’d stay part time and wouldn’t tell DH.

If you go back full time and it doesn’t work, how easy will it be to drop your hours?

Does hubs understand that he will need to take on 50 percent of the thinking as well as the doing, that means doing half the dropoffs/pickups, half the shops, half the laundry, half the meals?? Definitely get a cleaner, it is just not possible otherwise.
I suspect he will struggle with that because it’s very hard work.
I think make a list of all the tasks and discuss & agree how you will divide them before you go back. Also confirm your money situation and how much he is putting into pensions for you (both).

I have always worked full time (never had an employer who would grant me part time) and while this has enabled me to have a thoroughly enjoyable career and earn lots of money, I really regret missing out on the time after school with my children when they were aged 5-7. They had a brilliant nanny who they still talk about, but I think it would have made a difference seeing them then rather than after 6pm when they were tired, and I’d have like more time with them in the school holidays.

I think the thing you should do is to see a financial planner and compare your current pension contribution at part time hours, compare that to full time now or full time when your child hits secondary school. Consider a private pension or ways to increase your contribution, get advice on this.

The second one is that if you are going to be working full time then there needs to be a more equal division of labour in the house. It shouldn't all go to pot as it does now when you work more hours because surely your husband is also involved in this.

I think a lot of men say work full time which actually means increase your work hours but also still do the exact same amount of domestic shit you do already. So ask him directly, what housework he is going to take on if you return to work full time.

I think part time work is a great balance especially when children are young. There are numerous threads posted about women feeling like they are drowning with work, children, activities, general housework shite and trying to keep their head above water. You seem to do great when it is just you working part time. But your Dh is definitely relying on you doing all the housework, so if you pick up extra work then he needs to pick up extra work around the house too.

How much would the extra childcare cost (assuming you are out of the house 7.45am to 5pm 5 days a week) as well as the extra cost of paying a cleaner and probably relying more on ready meals etc? How would DC cope seeing you less during the week? Would your DH step up on the housework while you're working? Would your weekends end up being spent on chores?

In your shoes I would suggest 3.5 or 4 days a week, not 5, unless you really need the extra money (after extra costs)

@IDasIX that’s the thing. He works away every other week so I’d still have to the childcare myself 2/4 weeks every month. When he is home he helps with drop off and pick ups when he can.

I wouldn’t in your circumstances given your dh works away. Could you ask school to keep at 3 days but consider you for cover work on your other days, so you can pick and chose.

I think that sounds like a lot of - on your own 2 weeks a month so doing 100% of the home stuff and then probs let a lot more than 50% when he’s home! Is it possible for you to do 1 or 2 days supply on the weeks he’s at home? Otherwise I can see it would be a lot.

Coild you do 4 days?

What would the extra money get you? Are you ever short at the end of the month the month, do you save, would it be to buy a third abroad holiday? I think if you are comfortable enough now, then going full time would make your life a lot more stressful.

Would you need to put your son in wrap around care or could he be with family or friends? 5 is still tiny to have so little time at home unless it’s absolutely necessary and there is the option not to. I think it’s clear from your post what your preference is OP, I’m in agreement with part time work and a smooth home life being a preferably family environment and better for your own wellbeing.

If you can afford to stay part time for primary then I would. It makes such a difference to pick them up from school and have play dates, go to park after school etc. You never get those years back.

I was 3 days and spread my hours over 4 days once they were in school.
Our whole family benefits from it.
No-one on their death bed ever said I wish I’d spent more time at work.

I just knew you were going to say you were a teacher.
Well, there you have it then. Either he changes jobs so that he isn’t away every other week and can do his fair share or he agrees that on the two weeks he is present, he does all pick ups, drop offs, cooking washing cleaning and childcare including any sickness cover.
Otherwise it would not be reasonable for you to work full time as you would have 2 jobs and he only has one. The purpose it to ‘take the stress off and make life easier’ right?
By the way, please don’t position it that he ‘helps’. These are his children, the word is parenting. Who is he supposed to be ‘helping’? When you both work full time parenting becomes no more your responsibility than his.

Stay part time or you’ll end up doing 150% because the home load is never really 50-50. I went full time when my youngest was 9. Still regret it. 4 days was better, 3 days is the dream balance. Don’t give it up.