Friend needs some advice

[muckyducks]

My friend needs some advice.

Parents have private contact arrangement.
Parent A - 4 nights per week
Parent B - 3 nights per week - does school drop off and pick ups to accommodate parent A’s work.
Parent B receives children’s benefits. Not currently working.

Parent B has received bad news a family member has taken ill and needs serious operation which means they have to go to the other side of the country for at least 7 weeks as family member has no one else to care for them.

Parent B cannot travel back and leave family member. Children will not be able to travel to parent B due to school and infectiok risk

Parent A and parent B dont have a good relationship.

Parent A cant leave their job.
Parent B cant leave their family member or transfer benefits as they will lose their house .

The parents should be bloody grown ups. Have a conversation and perhaps see if friends around them can help

If that's the case what makes you think they will be interested now?
Is parent A asking for money?

Parent B seems to be relying very heavily on everyone else in order to fulfil their duties as a parent. Perhaps it's time they stepped up and found their own solutions.

Child was helping with grandmother and now has their own serious health problems.

A 16 year old living with their grandmother miles away from their parent and sibling, who also has caring responsibilities for their sick grandparent - needs to have social services involvement asap!

That poor child 💔

What’s going to happen if the grandmother dies or needs to go into a care home?

The 16 year old needs to move in with parent B for the 7 weeks.

After that, parent B needs to help the 16yo and grandmother find a place closer to where they live so that they can help look after them both.

@Butterme This would be ideal but can imagine there will be “reasons” why B can’t…
@muckyducks how do you know this person?

Parent B definitely seems to take a back seat with regards to parenting. Especially when they don't work. I think this is a time they need to step up.

Parent B needs to have the older child stay with them or organise carers for them and stay looking after their younger child. The benefits can go to parent A if they have their for over 50% of the time.

Sorry if I’ve missed this…….. but where is the 16 year old child’s father in all this? And/or the parental grandparents?

Agreed.

Parent B seems to love to absolve themselves of responsibility. To their parent, their children, their self-sufficiency/income.

Did you/they never want to have their child come to live with them?

You are parent B, I believe, OP. YABU.

Is the child who needs school drop offs etc 16? Is there not a way they can get themselves to and from school on public transport and just stay at Parent A's house for the extra 3 nights/week?

Sick relative can investigate what care package they can be discharged with - they will noy be the only patient with no relative on hand to provide 24/7 care for 7 weeks - or to transfer their treatment closer to Parent B and move in with Parent B while they recuperate.

The relative is a 16yr old child, given away by the mother and made to be their grandmother's carer.

@SingtotheCatI am neither . I am close to both parents but i do have a lot of sympathy towards parent b as the situation really sucks and shes inwbtween a rock and hard place

I'm surprised you side with parent B as they appear to be the worst person in this whole sorry situation.

Sympathy for the “parent” who abandoned their oldest to be brought up by a grandparent, and that CHILD is now a carer… while parent had another family, who’ve also now been left?
parent b sounds a professional martyr if you are feeling sorry for them in this

What does the 16 year old want? They are old enough to decide.
Do they actually want to be the carer for their grandmother or would they like to be a teenager living with their mum but feel they don't have a choice?

Parent B cannot leave their children for 'at least' 7 weeks to travel to the other side of the country, Parents cannot do that when they have responsibilities and no one to pick up the slack. You don't get to just bugger off from your kids for a couple of months, whatever the issue.

Whoever 'needs' Parent B on the other side of the country will need to make alternative arrangements for their post op care. And arrangements need to be made to suit the care the 16 year old needs to support them.

Oh gosh, I hadn't understood that. What a lot for that 16 year old to have on their plate - a serious illness that requires urgent surgery, a child carer for their grandparent, being left by their parent to be brought up by the grandparent while their parent starts a new family on the other side of the country.

That changes things quite significantly for me. Parent B owes it to their child to move heaven and earth to step up and parent their ill 16 year old. Depending on the age of their other child(ren) that may need them to bring the child with them and support with schoolwork if the other parent can't accomodate childcare around work.

I woukld think there's a way for Parent B to travel to stay with their 16 year old for 3-4 weeks while Parent A has the other children full-time with a back up of Parent A's parents, extra paid for wrap-around, pulling in favours from friends and DC's friends' parents and Parent A swapping stuff around at work.

Once the 16 year old is recovering, Parent B could bring them back to their home for the rest of their recivery and organise carers for the grandparent.

Parent B needs to have a proper discussion with 16 year old and grandparent about the future.

Parent B left one of their DC to be brought up by their grandparent and then to be a child carer for the grandparent. It is Parent B's 16 year old child who is the ill relative on the other side of the country. This was not made clear in the original posts.

How is the mother between a rock and a hard place? She gave away her child, doesn't work and is not a resident parent to her new kids.
She has nothing but time, to move her teenager in, get employment.

The 16 year old need to move with her parent if she needs the support. If she won’t move then parent b can’t help them. You can’t just leave your school age kids for 7 weeks

I agree with this. If she doesn’t work and her children are school aged or don’t live with her either at all or for most of the week then she’s got time to arrange things.

Yes indeed.

And not content with that abysmal cop out the mother goes on to have another child (who she cant actually afford to raise herself) while she still be bothered to raise her eldest...

Just awful.

The 16 year old child should back to their mother’s house and have their operation at a more local hospital. She obviously can’t just leave her younger children for 7 weeks.

Why is the mother not working, especially as she is the resident parent of her younger children for less than half of the time? Once the 16 year old is better she needs to get a job and tell the father to do his own drop offs/ pickups and arrange childcare if he can’t.

And why was a 16 year old living on the other side of the country being a carer for a grandparent? Why isn’t the child in education and living with her mother? This all sounds totally dysfunctional. The mother needs to start behaving like a parent and the grandmother needs to arrange care independently. No 16 year old should be put in that position, even before they became unwell.