Dh playing mind games

[Plumbs]

Hello there. Just realised today that my dh of 18 years is playing mind games with me and has been for some time. This is by withdrawing affection but then doing very very small actions that look like he's being thoughtful. It's all very confusing and controlling and trying to keep me off balance. I don't know how to react to this without giving me any power. Has anyone experienced this and how did they react?

You grey rock. It’ll confuse him

No idea i wouldn't hang around to find out how i would react why let them have the power?

Is this new behaviour from him? Have you asked him what he's up to?

I don't have any experience.i wonder if there's someone else he's seeing?

Not sure what you mean by without giving you any power? Do you not want to come out of this power imbalance? Now you’ve realised, that shifts things already.

This is by withdrawing affection but then doing very very small actions that look like he's being thoughtful
can you give an example of this?

Similar to something he always does which saves me a job to do in the evening, he's stopped doing. (Very small saves me 2 minutes) Also a hug before going out the door in the morning. It's all being done ro unsettle me and it seems to be working but I don't want him to know that.

If you have to analyse behaviour this much, either leave or get help.

Marriage is for mutual benefit, not wargames.

To Chatbots .When you say help you mean counselling? I just want to know how to not get pulled into all of this to save me mentally. It's been going on for sometime and he knows me too well. He really is a manipulative arse but a light bulb moment had really hit me this week. Why are some people so cruel? I've read the Lindy Bancroft book but still none the wiser really except that his self esteem is likely very low and makes himself feel better if he can put me down, un -nerve me etc.
Edited to add previous posters name.

Marriage shouldn't be a battle of mindgames.

Drop the rope, leave, whatever but all this gameplaying is pointless.

If you don't like him, that's the end. If he's not your greatest supporter, there's no point. If he doesn't like or love you, end it.

You might be playing chess with his mindgames, he might just not even be thinking about you.

What is he doing that makes you think he isn't just being nice?

I’ve still got no idea what he’s actually doing, just what he’s no longer doing

Why don’t posters say in the first post why they aren’t leaving. There’s always a drip feed.

Otherwise just leave. Or plan to leave. Or get a job. Or whatever it is that means you aren’t analysing his behaviour.

I know, they paint a picture of an absolute monster but also choose to stay with them. They can't be that bad then!

How do you know it’s being done to unsettle you? Rather than just a more boring bog-standard loss of affection? Which, to be clear, would also not be great and neither option is a great sign for the relationship!! But I’m just wondering what makes you think it’s manipulation rather than distance between you.

No dripfeeding. I simply wanted to know how to react if anyone had any ideas to save my own sanity. It's just because everyone seems to want to know the ins and outs of the whole situation on here. Where on earth did you think I don't work??!!
It's like asking if a blue top would go with green trousers and everyone asking where its going to worn etc which goes off a tangent.

If you can't ask him about it, I would say the marriage is over. If you won't or can't leave, you could imagine telling someone what is going on with just the facts - emotion and opinions removed. So instead of thinking he's doing this to upset me, you would just say today he did not do x. And get on with your day. But why would you want to stay in this marriage if he's what you say he is?

But to use your analogy, it feels kind of like you’re going to an event that you’ll hate, and asking if a green top will go with blue trousers. The obvious question is why are you going?

Exactly this. Or people asking what shade of green and blue and OP saying “what difference does that make?”

Without more info it’s too vague to give any useful advice but if you suspect your H is playing mind games then leave. Life is too short to waste it on someone who gets off on making you unhappy or uncomfortable

Because he does this randomly and goes back to the previous behaviour. Eg one day he'll continually do this task then he may stop without any logical reasonable and hen a few weeks later he start doing it again. For instance no hug this morning on his way, just a bye and wasn't even in a hurry.

And that was exactly my point.

He’s a gaslighting arse, we say leave, you say, “oh but I’m a SAHM to five children”. You literally made my point for me.

If he’s an arse, leave. There’s your sanity.

@Plumbs so why don’t you ask him why he isn’t doing the things he normally does? Do you find it hard to communicate with him, are you afraid of his reaction?

Agree but I can't leave currently. I just wanted to know how to deal with this for now so I don't become mentally unwell as feel that I'm spiralling a bit. I just wanted some support. The one close friend I talk to and knows him well agreed that he's playing mind games, in fact they suggested it.

Hi ticktock, because he just claims up when I try talking to him. He just won't answer. Sits staring into space in silence.

Hes allowed to not feel like hugging you sometimes, the important thing is he said bye

Agree but now this will carry on for days and then suddenly he'll start doing it again. It's very pointed. I'm not paranoid although it sounds that way. I'm not needy either! It's the blowing hot and cold. There was something he used to do before and I mentioned it and then he started doing it again (so minor not worth mentioning but a little gesture he always used to do for me-it was our thing) now he's stopped that too last few days.