Dh playing mind games

[Plumbs]

Hello there. Just realised today that my dh of 18 years is playing mind games with me and has been for some time. This is by withdrawing affection but then doing very very small actions that look like he's being thoughtful. It's all very confusing and controlling and trying to keep me off balance. I don't know how to react to this without giving me any power. Has anyone experienced this and how did they react?

It seems like he is taking up far too much space in your head.
I would barely notice if my DH did a small task, then stopped, then started again, much less would I keep track of how often he hugs me as opposed to just calling out 'Bye' as he goes out the door.
Your ultra-focus on his every tiny action and non-action is not at all healthy. This is how abused women react, who are watching the abuser's every tiny move and facial twitch to gauge how safe they are each moment.

I hear that you can't leave right away, but it really does sound like you need to have a concrete plan with a timescale for when you will divorce him.

Two strategies might help:

First, 'grey rock' him. This means that to him you are as non-reactive and boring as a grey rock. You don't give him any reaction. You don't say anything remotely upsetting or revealing. He has nothing to get his hooks into, you are an impervious slippery shell, and so boring that it is no fun for him to bother with his mind-games because he gets nothing out of it if you don't react.

Second, fill your life and mind with so many other things that you don't have time or head-space to be thinking about him. What is the rest of your life like? Work?hobbies? family? friends? clubs?

I can't see anything that he is doing wrong.

Do you ask for a hug and he says no, or what? I'm not understanding what you are complaining about, he sounds normal.

What's he like on your birthdays @Plumbs ?

My ex was like this, blew hot and cold, it was all very subtle, easily deniable if I dared call him out on it. One day I'd just had enough so I grey rocked him (although I didn't know that's what it was called at the time) and got on with my life. I spoke to him when necessary, was perfectly civil but made no effort to appease him, ask him what was wrong or twist myself in knots trying to make him happy/love me again (if he ever had).

It's what I suggest for anyone in this situation @Plumbs , concentrate on you, take his power away, don't need him for anything, live your life for you and those around you who love and support you. Not a silly little weakling who has to fuck about trying to make himself feel better than you by saying good morning or not. What a fanny.

I can't help wondering whether the OP is asking us for advice on how to negotiate her way round the small visible tip of a giant submerged iceberg.

It sounds like the best way to save your sanity would be to leave him. Why would you stay with someone who's manipulative and plays mind games?

The only way you “win” short-term is not to play the game and give him the reaction that he’s seeking. However long-term, you are contributing to the faster demise of your relationship because this isn’t a healthy way to behave.

If you go grey rock, be prepared to be called “cold” or be accused of “changing”.

I would suggest writing down some incidents so when he gaslights you about the facts, you can remind yourself about what really happened. Abusers don’t like losing control and he likes you destabilised

He stops because you aren't grateful he did the things. He does the things to make him appear a nice guy. He isn't.. Or he'd do things just for the hell of it. Either way not a man of be attracted to..

Do other posters on this thread have background information that I'm not aware of because I can't actually see what he's supposedly done wrong?

OP hasn't named a single thing.

OP I know exactly what you mean. Before exdh and I separated he did this too. I honestly think it’s very conscious and very cruel. I didn’t call him out as that would only have got a wide eyed ‘who me’ exclamation. Im
guessing that just totally acting as if you know nothing, nothing is wrong is the only way to go. And then leave

Thank you. I don't want to win as makes me as bad as him. You've hit the nail on the head. Have actually been writing things down so thank you for that and for understanding by reading between the lines.

You need to give more detail / examples. This sounds like you’re being a bit paranoid / needy / reading into things too much. Sometimes you feel affectionate and hug your partner, other times your mind is elsewhere. I’d feel claustrophobic if my partner was analysing my behaviour to this extent.

Oh thank you. Someone else that gets it! You're right and I think that's the best way forward. I don't want him to think he's getting to me. Glad you managed to move on from that. It's just a drain on your emotions and I so don't want to get roped into it all. I've tried my best in the past to be open and resolve issues but if it's one sided there's no point and more to life than this pettiness.

As I said, I'm not paranoid or needy. I'm actually very logical. I don't analyze everything he does but if something is staring you in the face, its hard to keep ignoringbit. If you havent experienced this type of behaviour, like some of the other posters have, then you, understandably, probably won't get where I'm coming from. Thank you anyway.

That made me laugh......."what a fanny"!
He is. Yes it is subtle. Coercive control. You get it because you've been there. Some posters on here never will. (Luckily for them)

But what has he actually done?

If you havent experienced this type of behaviour, like some of the other posters have, then you, understandably, probably won't get where I'm coming from.

This is it. There are those who thankfully haven't experienced it so they don't understand the subtlety. Even as I was living with my husband I knew I wasn't happy, I knew things weren't right, I couldn't articulate any of it, I didn't even try, but once I learned about emotional abuse (thanks MN ❤) I started to see a pattern. And then I was able to start to protect myself in my own way, from the emotional side at least.

It wasn't until we were apart that I was able to see his behaviour for what it was, they keep your mind filled with their shit intentionally so you don't have the headspace to think clearly. It's insidious. When he finally left it really was as if a cloud was lifting in the room, it sounds weird, I know, but that's how it felt.

I could at last have full access to the MN Relationships boards and had help from Women's Aid and that was when the full extent of his abuse became clear to me. It shocked me to see what I'd been living through and not realising the full extent of it. That makes me feel stupid, saying it now, with hindsight and the clarity that freedom has brought me, but not one of us is stupid. They don't start off the way they end up and they don't wear a warning badge.

Blessed are those who don't get it, I really do hope it remains that way for you. No-one should go through any type of abuse.

Still this! What is the task that’s yours that he was doing but doesn’t always…
is it something he ends up doing in exasperation as it’s time limited such as put bins out, or something like change an animal’s bedding and he doesn’t want to see it struggling?

The OP hasn’t described any abuse yet though. She said that sometimes her husband doesn’t give her a hug when he leaves the house and at other times he does small thoughtful actions. The OP perceives this as “mind games”.

Yes, exactly. OP hasn't said a single thing that he does that anyone else would see as out of the ordinary behaviour.

Exactly, other than the “aw babes, pm me” crew.. I don’t know how this can be seen as abusive

No, it's nothing like that! It's a smallthing he likes to do for me. If he doesn't do it, then I do it but its a little thing that's a tiny thought for me. Think like making a sandwich for work type of thing. ANYWAY! You have both completely missed the point. Give me strength. Talk about a dog with a bone......

But what are the bad things he does OP, not the good things like making you a sandwich.

You haven't mentioned any bad things so not sure what the problem actually is.

He's doing nice things, I get that, but what are the bad things?

Just leave it. You obviously don't get it from reading my posts. Others have further up the thread so back off.

Perfect advice. If he's doing, or not doing something for effect, don't show him any reaction, just carry on with your routine as normal. But in the background be getting yourself ready to leave the relationship within a defined timescale.

I don't know why you can't just say what it is OP but that's fine if you don't want to but people can't help you if they don't know what is wrong.

Someone making you a sandwich and saying goodbye some days and giving a hug some days sounds perfectly normal in any household. I will make my DH a coffee if I'm having one but sometimes I don't. It doesn't mean that I don't like him or am angry with him or gaslighting him, etc.

These things you have described are normal everyday activities. You may be reading something into it that isn't there unless there is something else going on?