A very worried mom

[afraidandconcerned1612]

Not been able to contact my 20yo dc for over a month. Messages ignored/ unread, not answering calls.

They are at university. I have no contacts for their friends and I'm no contact with family who have blocked me. I don't want to go into details as its taken its toll on my MH and relationships with the wider family.
I just want to know they are safe. I'm reluctant to call the police as if I do it will really rock the boat. They live 200 miles from home.
I'm worried that they have got themselves into another bad romantic relationship or have a worsening eating disorder

Should I contact the Universities welfare department?
This situation needs to be handled with kid gloves. I'm not going to go into too much details as this could be outing for them as well as myself.

I would, they can do a welfare check. You may not get all the answers but they would be able to say if she's OK.

Particularly given the eating disorder.

If this is out of character, and especially because there is an eating disorder, I would contact the university's welfare service.

I hope all turns out to be well

Absolutely. Reach out to the Uni student support services or welfare services.

Are they in halls? Do you know where and the name of it etc? I assume you do. When my DD was in halls, each Student halls accommodation building had a welfare team which consisted of students and staff. They should be able to do a check. Knock on her door and make sure they are okay. Hopefully they can speak to them and reassure you they are okay.

Good Luck, I hope they are okay. Its so worrying when they are away from home and radio silence from them is horrible.

As your family have all blocked you, is there a chance that she doesn't want contact with you either?

So worrying, OP. I would go there and try to find him, and speak to the university themselves

What a worry. Can you ask the uni to do a welfare check but not inform them you’ve requested it? Not sure if that’s a thing they’d do.

I would ask them to do a welfare check, but also ask that they don't tell your DC you've asked for it.

I used to work as a secretary at a School of Architecture (undergrad and postgrad) and a lot of mums would call and were worried as DC hadn't contacted them. I used to walk through the school and ensure their child was ok then report back (just the basics), but never say a word to their DC. Maybe you could get someone to help like this?

I've contacted the welfare people at the university. They explained that as they are in private accommodation, albeit student accommodation, there's little they can do but passed on the contact number of the management team who own these properties.Chap I spoke to said he receives calls from worried parents all the time. Also DC has listed grandparent as next of kin. That was a punch in the belly

I hope you get some reassurance.

They don't want you in their life at the moment OP. No news is good news, they are an adult and they get to run their life as they see fit.

She clearly doesn't want contact with you OP so you should respect that.

I have contacted the landlord of the property and they will be doing a welfare check and have explained there will be two people present. It will be anonymous, they will be asking to inspect the property as is required every 6 months. They cannot give me any information or feedback as my dc is an adult. They did advise me to contact emergency services if I have major concerns

I understand why you're worried, but ultimately your child is an adult and if they don't want to have any contact with you, they have every right not to speak to you.

There's obviously something going on if your entire family have blocked you, and I'm sorry you're apparently having such a hard time. But ultimately adults are allowed to make their own choices. Even poor ones. If your child has named someone else as their next of kin, they presumably have a reason for that and I think you need to respect their wishes.

If it were my child I would make the journey and knock on the door myself. I’d be beside myself with worry with no contact whatsoever. Even if they told me to go away as least I’d satisfy myself knowing they were ok.

That's what I prepare to do next week. I cannot go now for many reasons.

Have you not thought about going here just to check they are ok?
I think that's what I would do

Yes there is,it's called having a jealous narcissistic controlling mother and her enablers.

I'm sorry to hear that, but it still doesn't mean your adult child isn't entitled to make their own choices about contact. I don't lack sympathy, but it's clear that they've made a deliberate decision here.

It could make things worse. They habeen emotionally manipulated by family. My mother ruined several friendships and relationships by sticking her oar in and gossiping about me. I was a scapegoat kid. I tried to sheild my child from this but alas it didn't work.

Please don't encourage op to go and visit.

The girl has made her choice perfectly clear, and her next of 00q
kin (not op) will be informed if anything was wrong, which it isn't.

It's only been a month. You cannot be contacting her landlord, uni, police or requesting welfare checks every month OP. Give her some space.

I'm just so confused. We spent Christmas together and had a great time. Mothers day was forgotten and I forgive them for that.
I can fully understand that they dont like me as I'm neurodivergent and an older parent so probably a bit of an embarrassment to them. I just want to know they are safe,healthy and happy.

This is the first time I've asked for a welfare check. My dc has anorexia nervosa which developed after leaving home.

Did anything happen after Christmas? Or did it not go as well as you'd thought? Were you NoK before that or was the grandparent always Nok? I'd be worried, but if the management will do a check, that's the best you can do at the moment.