A very worried mom

[afraidandconcerned1612]

Not been able to contact my 20yo dc for over a month. Messages ignored/ unread, not answering calls.

They are at university. I have no contacts for their friends and I'm no contact with family who have blocked me. I don't want to go into details as its taken its toll on my MH and relationships with the wider family.
I just want to know they are safe. I'm reluctant to call the police as if I do it will really rock the boat. They live 200 miles from home.
I'm worried that they have got themselves into another bad romantic relationship or have a worsening eating disorder

Should I contact the Universities welfare department?
This situation needs to be handled with kid gloves. I'm not going to go into too much details as this could be outing for them as well as myself.

Ok but say the welfare check comes back to say she's fine, what happens when another months goes by without contact? Are you going to do this each time.

Do you genuinely think she is in medical trouble, or do you think she is trying to get some space from you?

Does she have another parent and siblings? What is their relationship? Do you think she’s in contact with the grandparent who is her NOK?

I wouldn’t go. She has made it clear that she doesn’t want contact and unfortunate as it sounds, if she is unwell it doesn’t sound like you can do anything about it. Why are you NC with family?

The housing company cannot tell me if dc is alright or not as they are an adult.
To the person asking if I was ever next of kin,I 100% was until dc chose GP to be nok.
Christmas went really well, dc was tearful when I left.

If everything was alright at Christmas why do you think she has turned against you now. What happened?

I can't go into that,it's outing and yes I've had a lot of counselling. No wrongdoings on my part, just a very subtly controlling mother ,nan at the helm. A sycophantic person who likes to live her life through those that she deems successful, cultured,polished and I dont fit that criteria. I've called them out on badmouthing me to friends and family and intentionally scuppering any plans I have made to include the family in DC's activities that gp hasn't funded. No school plays,hip hop, cadets, we're attended.

I completely understand why you’re worried and concerned. Would it be possible to check with the university just to let you know that she’s ok? And attending lectures?

May I, politely I hope, suggest that not contacting you for Mother’s Day is not anything that needs to be forgiven and that, in any case you only forgive people who want to be forgiven. All you can do about that is not bear a grudge. I remember at that age I really didn’t want to be shackled into ritualistic obligations. You see things differently when you’re so young.

It’s hard for you being Neurodivergent and being older. I do understand that you feel rejected. It’s an awful feeling and you obviously love your daughter very much.

Ok but say the welfare check comes back to say she's fine, what happens when another months goes by without contact? Are you going to do this each time

This.

You may not know her uni friends but aren’t any of her childhood friends local to you in contact with her? At least able to see her social media?

This is a good idea.

Do you really have no idea why the dc changed their Nok? Honestly?

Very controlling grandmother. I can't elaborate any more. I wasn't a terrible mother but anything I did for my dc had to be outshone by her and my siblings offerings. Anyway, this isn't about my mother, its about a very concerned,heartbroken mother who wants to know if their dc is safe and happy.

I get that. Can they at least tell you they've spoken to them, if not the content?

How is it outing to say yes or no to her having another parent and/or siblings? Unless she has 8 parents and 46 siblings, it’s fairly unlikely you could identify anyone on here just from knowing if they have a second parent and if they have any brothers or sisters.

I'm really sorry for you, op. It must be heartbreaking not to even know if your child is well.
Do they have any kind of social media that you can check for updates? At least you know if they're posting, they're okay.

As hard as it is I wouldn’t go asking friends etc. It’ll get back to her and she’ll start to worry about not being able to trust friends in case they’re going to give you info. Sounds like whatever is happening she needs supportive people around her.

Sorry,no siblings and only one parent.

Do they have any kind of social media that you can check for updates? At least you know if they're posting, they're okay.

This is a good idea

The thing is OP, from what you have posted, I can't decide if she has deliberately chosen to have no contact with you (which you seem to hint at by blaming your mother) or that her life is in danger and she needs a welfare check to see if she is still alive (which you have not really explained).

What's actually going on. Why would everything be ok at Christmas and not now. What happened to change that?

I've no idea. I know they spent a few says with my mother at Easter because my friend dropped them off , there,our dcs are friends and dc had visited said friend who lives locally but would not pock the phone up when I called to arrange a meet up.

Unfortunately not .

You are obviously very worried but you also have reasons why your DC might have decided to cut contact with you. Possibly you are correct and they are being manipulated by their grandmother but can you not trust that if something was seriously wrong you would be notified? I think that if you turn up uninvited that will be seen as evidence of you not respecting boundaries.

If your friend's DC is friends with your DC surely they would know if anything was seriously amiss? Like a health issue.

So you think they have gone no contact rather than life at risk?

Could you send them a letter or postcard - fairly bright and breezy, a couple of bits of news from home and saw you hope all is well? I understand your worry but this sounds like a really complex situation and I'd be trying to show I was there without putting pressure. A postcard every week or so until you know more.

They have no reason to go no contact. I am worried because they are pitifully thin and have had a string of relationships with some really nasty characters. Dc was nearly hospitalised due to eating disorder, I only found out through a mutual friend and my mother was aware of this but chose not to tell me.

My mother didn't inform me when dc became seriously unwell,when a relative died and another got married. I wouldn't trust my mom with anything. I found out about the ed through a friend of a friend, they thought I was aware of it.

They have no reason to go no contact.

I'm struggling with this one OP.

I think she does have a reason to go no contact and I also think that is what she has done.

There is no way she was fine with you at Christmas but hasn't had any contact with you since for no reason at all. She didn't want contact with you at Easter.

Something must have happened between you but you don't want to share the details.

We are only getting one side of the story. You have said that you don't want to do a welfare check because that would cause more problems. That would indicate that you don't have concerns that she is dead or missing.