‘THE’ children

[pancakesallday]

AIBU? This is really bothering. MIL calling SIL’s kids ‘the children’ when talking to me.

‘This weekend I’m having the children’. ‘The children had their Easter play’.

It makes me feel like mine are second class grandchildren.

Or am I just being grumpy?

She’s usually ok with me although she is the queen of backhanded remarks.

I think almost everyone is trying to understand the issue, but you’ve not given a lot to go on.

On the face of it, if the issue is only the word “the” then YABU. You allude to there being more to it than that, but haven’t elaborated.

How does she refer to the third set of grandchildren?

The third set are referred to as ‘Other SIL’s name’ children. Which makes me 99% sure this is what she calls mine too. Meaning ‘the children’ is the golden set, which she looks after endlessly etc.

So if it’s “Pancake’s children”, “Sally’s children”, and “the” children YADNBU.

I presume your kids are your MIL’s biological grandchildren (or, if not, that she has had a long relationship with them). I’m just wondering if there is any way that she does see them as being “Pancake’s children” rather than her grandchildren?

Aren’t they all biological? They’re a mix of MiL’s daughter’s, son’s and whoever the other sil is, children.

They might be @pancakesallday ‘s children from a previous relationship. In which case they would not be MIL’s biological grandchildren, so MIL might reasonably think of them and refer to them as “Pancake’s children”.

The op would have said that surely?!!

They are MIL’s biological grandchildren. Same as all the other ones.

OP, is she actually your ex-MIL? As surely this would impact how much she looks after them for you?

Perhaps OP can clarify everyone’s relationships. A Sister in law could be blood related or wife, there could be step or half siblings. Not that any of that excuses thoughtlessness but it could clear up some dynamics.

Yes, the kids’ dad and I are no longer together. Totally not my doing/choice and I still have the same relationship with her. Surely the children don’t become second class family in this scenario?

The 2 SILs I mentioned are her daughters. No step/half-siblings.

They certainly shouldn’t but it sounds like she might be ‘ranking’ them, unfortunately. How has your relationship been with her over the years, before the separation and has she been using this jargon since the day her other gc were born.

Yes it seems like jealousy or resentment toward the other sister perhaps?

YANBU then @pancakesallday Apologies, I voted differently initially, thinking it was likely that she was using the same term for all of them (a lot of people do).

If she's that involved, that's why they are 'the children'. If I had a group of children who were regularly at my home, in my care, even if the children of some neighbour, it would be, 'the children are coming'. Everyone would know what group was meant by that because they are the ones that are always there. If a different group of children were suddenly coming, they would then be referred to as 'such and such's children' because it's different from the usual group. Nothing amiss, neither is less, nothing to see here.

I think you’ve got it.

The wider issue is that I’d love for her to be more involved, but she’s so busy with ‘the children’ she doesn’t offer and I don’t dare ask. It’s a shame really.

She may view you as more capable. Or maybe SIL asked? It's possible that some days she'd rather 'the children' weren't coming.