‘THE’ children

[pancakesallday]

AIBU? This is really bothering. MIL calling SIL’s kids ‘the children’ when talking to me.

‘This weekend I’m having the children’. ‘The children had their Easter play’.

It makes me feel like mine are second class grandchildren.

Or am I just being grumpy?

She’s usually ok with me although she is the queen of backhanded remarks.

Ooo you’re so edgy!
*rolls eyes

My DH’s grandma always did this about him as he was the eldest 🤦‍♀️

Yes! When she is talking to you! About her other grandkids ! You’ve admitted to knowing who she is referring to so there is no need for her to use more words or syllables to set out which she is talking about.

That’s how language and dialect works. Get the communication done with as little friction as possible.

She has another set (another SIL) so this doesn’t quite add up.

What does she call other grandchildren

Oh yes, the golden grandchildren. How annoying, but you'll have to just roll your eyes and try not to care.

Not edgy, just bored

As previously stated!

If this is what's bothering you about her, it's hard not to wonder if you are actually all or part of the reason for the friction between the two of you.

I can see why it bothers you. I think you're coming at it bottom up (I.e. picking up on the phrase) when the reality of the problem occurs top down (the treatment of the golden grandchildren). The phrase is a symptom of the favoritism rather than being a particular issue in itself. I think that's why you've had split responses here - if people are not seeing the underlying issue it seems such a nothing to be bothered about.

My advice would be to forget worrying about whether she says 'THE children' as it'll just drive you crazy and you can never say anything about it or they'll think you're mad. If there's anything you can/would like to do to improve your children's relationship with her then do it. Otherwise let it all float over your head!

Nice for who?

My MIL refers to all her grandchildren as the children, I didn't realise it was an offensive term. How do you know what she calls your children when she's talking to SIL? I bet she calls them the children too.
You are looking for something to be offended about but this is ridiculous. I'd be scared to talk to you at all if I was MIL as you're far too easy to offend.

I get it. My MIL is also the queen of backhanded comments.
Only you know the subtle tone and inflection of the words she chooses to use. People on here wouldn’t necessarily get it unless they were faced with her.

How else would you describe them? How would a grandparent who was having four siblings describe them? “I’m having Eeny, Meeny, Miney and Moe this weekend” “Eeny, Miney, Miney and Mo and I are going to B&M in ten minutes”.

Here in normal, unoffended land I would say “I am having the kids this weekend” “I’m taking the kids swimming now”

Probably when she’s talking to sil, she refers to your kids as ‘the children’.

Honestly OP this isn't worth worrying about.

Dunno, having read updates it seems like "the children" are the "main" grand-kids, which is not very nice I suppose but if they are the ones who are always at Grandma's house they will have the strongest bond. Whether because OP and second SIL (not the mother of the children) don't like OPs MIL or she doesn't like them, or geography or whatever who knows. OP obviously has issues with MIL and SIL(1) maybe for valid reasons or maybe she is entitled and jealous

It makes sense if she looks after them on the regular. 'The children' just refers to that group of children that she cares for regularly. It's really not a big issue. Save your battles for something that matters.

@pancakesallday You can easily put a stop to it by asking "what children?" Every single time. She will get fed up by having to explain and start saying Sil's children.

Is it remotely possible that she refers to them as 'the children' when she's around you, because if she was including your children, she would say 'your children'? Is it possible that when she's with SIL, she refers to your children as 'the children'?

Not completely related to this post but I’m always surprised when a woman is not close to her parents or in laws but somehow expects them to treat her children exactly the same as kids whose parents they are actually close to/see regularly. Anyway, OP - I think YABU.

You clearly do want to be that person.

From everything I've read on this site, an older woman has no right to expect the same relationship with her DIL as she has with her DD. She should watch what she says around DIL, handle her with kid gloves, never criticize, always forgive but never expect to be forgiven, and certainly never pop round unexpectedly. When it's made clear to a son's mother that she's only a provisional member of the family and can easily be cut loose at any moment, is it really surprising she would invest more of her emotional capital in the children of the child who is more likely not to cut her off at a moment's notice over something as trivial as a tactless comment about dust?

I'm not saying you did any of this, OP. My comment is addressed to the readership more generally. We can't expect the grandchildren to be treated equally when the relationships are not equal.

I can't actually believe that you bothered posting such a dull and ridiculous comment.

How much do you have to talk to MIL? If she’s not interested in the kids and you don’t like her because of the favouritism, why wouldn’t you restrict chats to when you had to?

She probably talks about your children as 'the children' too, when speaking to someone else.

You are reading too much into it, let it go.