‘THE’ children

[pancakesallday]

AIBU? This is really bothering. MIL calling SIL’s kids ‘the children’ when talking to me.

‘This weekend I’m having the children’. ‘The children had their Easter play’.

It makes me feel like mine are second class grandchildren.

Or am I just being grumpy?

She’s usually ok with me although she is the queen of backhanded remarks.

Lots of people pretending not to see the issue here. Of course this is annoying and a sign that she sees those grandchildren as the main ones and yours as less important to her. At least it's out in the open I guess. She'll lose out on a relationship with them as adults if she can't be bothered with them now.

This is petty, you are right.

Why are you “pretending not to see” that if MIL also calls OP’s children “the children” when speaking to SIL, there’s no disparity?

And funny. It's ok to be a bit petty when dealing with unfairness. I think @ChelseaBagger has style.

Because it's totally obvious that she doesn't! She doesn't refer to the third set of grandchildren as 'the children' so why would she refer to OP's that way? It's clear that for her, 'the children' are the set she is closest to and looks after and sees the most.

How rude.

Why are you calling this poor woman your mother in law when you don't even live with her son yet according to your other thread from January?

I'd need to know how she refers to your children when you aren't there. If she does it both ways equally then it wouldn't worry me. If it's something that only applies to her DDs children and not her sons/yours, then yes I'd be really annoyed. Do you have a good enough relationship with your SIL to ask her? Or get your husband to?

I don't see the issue and as others have said, she probably does it the other way round when talking to SIL.

It sounds like you have issues with MIL therefore it's easy to interpret things differently.

So these are children she had with another partner before the MILs son was involved? In which case of course she doesn't see them as the same as SILs children as they're not her sons children. It's quite telling that this nugget of rather important information was omitted.

My MIL gave me some puzzles for my DC as ‘ours have finished with them now’. Meaning her DDs children. It won’t change, her daughter’s
children will always trump yours. I chose to
accept that was the case and just got on with it.

Hang on, just seen your other thread. Is this your ex's mum who you still see, so they are her actual grandchildren? Or is it your new partner's mum, who isn't actually related to your children at all?

According to her thread from January, she wasn't even living with her partner then!

Unless she's taking about an ex-MIL?

No you’re being odd. I would refer to anyone’s children as the children if they were plural. You’re going out, who’s looking after the children. He’s getting divorced, who will get the children, my neighbours in holiday, how lovely for the children. My sisters visiting, my mum’s made the spare room a play room for the children.

my dm refers to my ds family as The Family
which also annoys me,
aren't I family?

You're entitled to your feelings, you're already annoyed by her saying so and you don't need our permission to be. That being said, I'd probably let it slide as this seem like a normal way to refer to them, however, you know the situation better and maybe she's really viewing them as "the main" children as they are her DD's kids.

I’m sorry but this Olympic level taking-offence has to stop. Every day there’s someone on here who claims to have fallen out (usually with their MIL) over some tiny meaningless remark. Christ alive!

I get it, OP

Lots of grandmothers have deeper feelings for their daughters' children than for their sons' children.

I dint know why everyone is deliberately misunderstanding op, well I assume they are as it’s patently clear why it winds you up. You can’t stop her , see less of her perhaps or do bingo where you bet how long it is before she says it?

I think it's a "straw that may break the camel's back" scenario.

On the face of it, it's nothing much, highly plausible deniability, just a way of speaking..

But if you are stuck in that awful dynamic where your children, and maybe you and DH are second class citizens.... Where you just KNOW each phrase is picked carefully to be barbed and hurtful..Such casual differentiation REALLY gets under your skin.

All these posters sharing it's a non-event are clearly lucky enough to live without the effects of being seconded, othered, left out, not treated fairly or with natural enthusiasm and love. Little digs every fucking time. Being put in your place by an outdated, covertly rude and emotionally immature boomer, when all you try to do is be adult and pleasant and thoughtful.

It really fucking grates, it puts you in an awful controlled position.. Because throwing a bomb into the situation would upset your husband who's probably been conditioned to know his place and keep the peace, and when it involves your kids, woo-wee... It is enraging. They deserve better.

On the plus side it blatantly exposes how insecure and immature your MIL (and presumably fil?) are. I would make my own way and let your husband pick up the slack with them. Which againz is upsetting and annoying, I'm sorry OP. But your kids are definitely worth more than this not so subtle putting down from a supposed close family member. It really does a number on their self esteem, I wouldn't want to expose them to it.

I'm not sure that, without more info, there even IS unfairness. We don't know that MIL doesn't refer to OP's children in exactly the same way to third parties.

My father in law picked up my niece in front of my daughter and started to say how’s my favourite grand daughter but stopped himself on the daughter as he realised my daughter was there and said how’s my favourite grand dau baby. The favouritism in our family is so obvious it’s hard both for my husband and my daughter. The irony is my mother in law has huge beef with her parents that they preferred her siblings.

Given the context of other children than your SILs and yours, and assuming yours are not much older (say teenagers or adults), I can see why this is upsetting.

I don’t think I could have the energy to care about this. There must be other things that piss you off and this is the last straw, or you’re incredibly petty; one of them.