‘THE’ children

[pancakesallday]

AIBU? This is really bothering. MIL calling SIL’s kids ‘the children’ when talking to me.

‘This weekend I’m having the children’. ‘The children had their Easter play’.

It makes me feel like mine are second class grandchildren.

Or am I just being grumpy?

She’s usually ok with me although she is the queen of backhanded remarks.

Yes my MIL calls my SIL’s children the girls. The girls doesn’t include our girl. I’ve always noticed but never said anything. My husband finds it hurtful he once said something like isn’t mine a girl too.

That was exactly the question that came into my head when I read the OP.

Sorry-I should have been a bit more extreme in my piss take! 😂😂

If OP wants to look like an obtuse arsehole she could do that, yes.

I’m assuming OP’s children are MiL’s son’s children, so depending on mother and son dynamic it could be ‘much ado about nothing’ if their relationship is good.

I can see that it could be a bit annoying and unless there are loads of them, why can't she just use their names? Why don't you say "which children are they then?" each time she says the children. And repeat! Make it a bit of a lighthearted comment.

If it was my own mother I would be more direct and say, mother can you stop saying the girls like that, it comes across as exclusion of my daughter! Or words to that effect, but I never pussyfooted around my mum if I thought she being an arse 😁

It sounds as if underneath this you feel she has a closer relationship with her daughter's children, or maybe gives them more attention, than she has with yours? If that is correct, you're not being unreasonable - you're being quite human but she's also being quite human too in that she may find the relationship with her daughter's children easier.

The key thing is if your children are unaware of it, let that remain. If they are aware of the other children being favoured, just present it as one of those things and not a reflection on them. It doesn't sound as if your MIL has got to know your children that well?

Regarding childcare, I would still ask even if she moaned! Actually why not ask your husband (her son) to ask her?

Clearly you believe your MIL favours this SIL and her children over the rest of the family so what she’s calling those grandchildren is just a small part of the whole issue.
Obviously it stings to know others are favoured but what to do about it????

I have five girls (blended family) and call them the children or the girls. This is a non issue.

I had a call a couple of weeks ago from DHs consultant about his drug dosages. He wanted to speak to him but he was asleep so I said, "You can speak to me about it. I order them and fill his weekly dispensers. I know what he takes and when".

He said, "Are you the wife?"

THE WIFE!!

I said, "I am HIS WIFE, yes."

I consider that rude but this man has always been rude, made loads of mistakes, doesn't answer emails about important things and we were in the process of changing to a different clinician.

The wife : 0

There’s nothing wrong with this. I call mine the children too. No offence implied

So the issue isn’t what she calls them as such but the fact that she treats them as the golden grandchildren and therefore differently than OP’s children.

How does she treat the other SIL’s children @pancakesallday

What does she refer to the third set of children as?

Does your husband see any issue with it? It would be for him to speak to his DM surely if there are issue over favouritism.

Surprised he didn’t say the missus! Is he about 75?

Is ‘this sil’ her daughter? That could make a difference in how she expresses herself to OP. Still kind of rude but she’s going to be closer to her daughter than her DiL.

So your actual problem is this - preferential treatment to your SIL's children, a "golden grandchildren" dynamic and your MIL's backhanded remarks.

Instead of starting a thread about those actual, real issues, you've decided a pedantic, unimportant word choice somehow symbolises them and have chosen the word "THE" is the hill you'll die on. Why?! I don't get it. Who cares whether she says "the children" or "SIL's children"? Talk about the real problems.

No, he's the youngest of the team in charge of DHs condition.

I understand why this gets to you. She says “the” as though there are no other children. You’re getting a hard time on here OP. You know how she treats the different sets of children and if yours are treated differently so your feelings are your feelings and you’re perfectly entitled to be annoyed by it.

Thank you to those who have chosen to understand my issue and not to ridicule me.

Cheeky sod! He should know better! Glad you put him right.

Why shouldn't OP start a thread about it? Does it contravene MN guidelines? If not, let OP discuss what and how she wants.

They are yours though? Totally normal to refer to a family even a blended one like this.

Which is fine if she does? The mother in law is being an asshole, so why shouldn’t it be ok for the op to sound like an obtuse asshole? The mil deserves it really- what’s she going to say ‘you know which ones I mean?
op: no which? The mil can either say Mabel’s children or my favorites and the op can say thoughtfully oh. I’d play this game.