Do anyone else’s parents always need to make the final decision?

[Ooih]

I have an odd situation, trivial in someways but it really grates.

My parents have always needed to decide what we do. As a child I rarely got to choose anything, which is different to how I parent. As a young adult, they also chose how every meet up went, I didn't care.

Now I have kids, I do care. They like doing things that don't work well for my kids and so I can't blindly follow. Everything I suggest has to be heavily modified so that they make the final decision.

This week, they suggested going to a venue that won't work for my son. I explained why it wouldn't work, found something that would work. It's high energy to do the counter argument to them because they require me to give a good reason and so I had to explain (it's around nap time, busy etc), the other venue would be more enjoyable. This was via text message, they came straight back with another suggestion of a venue, no reason why they didn't like my proposal. In the same text, they said they are busy now and can't discuss further. In effect shutting down the conversation with their proposal. I think they just feel the need to chose everything. I don't really have the energy to keep arguing on something so trivial. I'd rather go with my pick but I'll probably concede. The reason it also grates is the venue is in my area, they live 3 hours away, so don't really know these places. There is no particular reason for them to have a preference rather than control. I have a preference because the venue makes a difference to my kids, which will impact all of us. This happens all the time.

Another example, I suggested going to a farm whilst we were on holiday with them. I was told not everyone likes farms and that we should pick activities that suits everyone. We did adult activities all week with a 1 and 3 year old. It was hard work!!

I have hardly made any decisions about activities we do as a family in 40 years, it seems so weird and it's quite exhausting.

It's also really trivial, so everything I let it slide. Everything I object, it's so tiring and I never really get to choose.

What's wrong with them? I'm worried this will get worse as they get older. Anyone seen my future?

I don't have too much purpose with this thread but does anyone else get this?

I don’t do this to my children. I let them choose if we’re all going out together with grandchildren. It’s easier for everyone if it’s not just an adult activity. You’re going to have to stick up for yourself and say no. Suggest they do what they want to do and that you’ll meet up with them afterwards.

Thanks. I've found when I do stick up for myself it's more exhausting than going along with the suboptimal compromise.

I have decided not to go on holiday with them again for this reason. But if I did it would definitely do exactly that, we are going to the farm.....

But when they are visiting us for a few hours, we can hardly go off and do something else.

Part of it is the principle, we spent 40 years meeting their needs. Now my kids needs are greater. Which is why this thread is helpful to write it down, my needs (well preferences) got squeezed and you are probably right that I shouldn't let that happen

Yup. In a sense it’s quite demeaning because it feels like you’re being kept in your childhood place and not being acknowledged as a proper grown-up – but in another way I suspect it isn’t really a ‘parent’ thing at all, it’s just what some people are like, their own sense of pride kind of demands that they make every call.

I just roll with it, unless the ‘compromise’ doesn’t suit in which case I don't even try to win the struggle of wills, I just disengage and let the whole arrangement fall by the wayside. It’s not ideal, but in truth I usually do acquiesce and it saves a lot of time and rancour. It’s happened enough and I’ve worked it through in my head enough that, although I feel a bit sad that that’s where we’ve ended up, I can live with it and it’s too late to want to change it now.

My in-laws are a bit like this. They never could seem to understand that young kids don’t always enjoy long walks or sitting in a restaurant for a couple hours while grown ups chat. Or that kids want to eat before 8pm/ need a bedtime.
I remember mil once complaining because we wanted ti do something at a different time to fit with ds nap. She said something along the lines of “you shouldn’t pander to children ‘ yet she’s the grown woman stamping her feet if we don’t pander to her!
We managed it by declining stuff that didn’t work for us ( we only did one holiday with them) and accepting that sometimes we would have a tricky weekend. It got easier as kids got older.

You need to act like an adult now and stand your ground.

If they don't agree to child friendly stuff just say that's a shame but we won't make that. Hope you have a great time though.

Honestly just tap out.
My parent/in laws were exhausting in another way, they could never make a decision and I spent years second guessing what I was doing.
With my adult kids, I am pleased to be invited, will go if it's convenient will enjoy it and say thank you.
The holidays sound like too much, do you have to go?

Not since I became an adult, no.

Start saying no. Let them have their tantrums.
You are under no obligation to fall in line.

This sounds so similar to me. I think I've just got to the point where the pattern is exhausting. I felt the need to talk about it as a starting point.

I love that observation about "pandering" to them, as everyone panders to the old woman. That's exactly it and a phrase they would use to.

I mean with the extended justifications we don't do things that don't work for my kids now. But it's just unnecessary

We did the holiday once and it was one of those were everything we wanted to do for blasted over and the itinerary was set every day. It was hard to push back, we were tired making it work with the small children, we survived it. We definitely could have been more assertive but we are both naturally relaxed and didn't expect it.

We have declined future invitations to holidays. If we went again, we would be mentally prepared to do things differently. Not negotiate, just state what we are doing

I think you are right.

I find it hard to let them have tantrums and I know that's silly. But it was hard living with them as a teenager and it's made it very hard to say no to them. The controlling didn't start when I was a young adult. They did lots to be controlling when I was a teenager and I think that's affected me.

You are right but it's hard.

Does your kids father have to go along with this nonsense too?

Here you go, OP. It’s a very useful resource little word to add to your vocabulary:

‘No.’

Use as often as necessary. At first, it will feel awkward & unfamiliar. You may not like the reaction it sometimes gets. But, believe me, the more often you use it, the easier it gets.

Yes and no. I feel the nonsense is the long time planning a very simple outing. He does not have to be involved in this.

I ask his preference, whilst the conversation is underway. But honestly, when we do things with his family I just run with it. Not everyone can have a detailed opinion on a 4 hour meeting. So that's OK with us both.

The holiday fiasco was unfair on him.

My kids won't have to do something that won't work for them because I will push back. My problem with this is "why do I have to push back" on something so inconsequential for them.

I'm fed up and tired. He's doing OK. And after all, I'm chatting about it on here rather than whinging at him.

In future:

“Hi mum and dad, we’ve decided to go to the zoo on Saturday, as the kids will love seeing all of the animals. We’d love you to join us - let us know if you’re coming and we’ll figure out a meeting point.”

If they respond with any kind of argument:

“Sorry you won’t be joining us, have a great weekend, and we’ll catch up soon.”

Don’t engage in a dialogue about it. That being said, sometimes running with their preference is also fine as long as it’s not making life unnecessarily difficult for you and your partner/ children.

Just tell them that doesn’t work for you but they can go ahead.

That's a good idea actually. We normally arrange to see them and then decide what to do. That's a pattern that they set up and seems normal to me. No one has ever just planned something then invited the other to join. That's a very good idea because it totally changes the dynamics from negotiating to come or miss out.

It's not like that. They are coming to visit us, 3 hours from where they live. They are coming for something specific and then want to do something after with is. We can't just say this is too hard you are on your own.

Well you can. Or you plan something that day and invite them to come with you. They don’t get to plan your time or dictate what you do.

My mum does this, I hadn't realised until now!

Of course you can. Just keep repeating ‘That doesn’t work for me.’ Suggest stuff that does. If they won’t agree, just say ‘What a shame’ and leave it at that.

Stop putting your parents before your kids. Your children are suffering because you can’t stand up to your parents.

Both parents and in-laws LOVE to feel needed and in charge, so we put them to work: gardening, bringing lunch over, doing homework with the kids etc. A bit of light DIY even!

Family time isn’t just about going out on expensive family days out. It sounds exhausting for them if they’re doing a day out and a 6 hour round trip!

Do you mean this thread helped you realise?

I find it really hard and a bit infantilising. But I don't enjoy fighting, so it effects our relationship from my side. If we fought, we would both be frustrated, they wouldn't cope with it very well and it would be worse for me because of the way they handle their emotions. It's sad but this is easier for me