Do anyone else’s parents always need to make the final decision?

[Ooih]

I have an odd situation, trivial in someways but it really grates.

My parents have always needed to decide what we do. As a child I rarely got to choose anything, which is different to how I parent. As a young adult, they also chose how every meet up went, I didn't care.

Now I have kids, I do care. They like doing things that don't work well for my kids and so I can't blindly follow. Everything I suggest has to be heavily modified so that they make the final decision.

This week, they suggested going to a venue that won't work for my son. I explained why it wouldn't work, found something that would work. It's high energy to do the counter argument to them because they require me to give a good reason and so I had to explain (it's around nap time, busy etc), the other venue would be more enjoyable. This was via text message, they came straight back with another suggestion of a venue, no reason why they didn't like my proposal. In the same text, they said they are busy now and can't discuss further. In effect shutting down the conversation with their proposal. I think they just feel the need to chose everything. I don't really have the energy to keep arguing on something so trivial. I'd rather go with my pick but I'll probably concede. The reason it also grates is the venue is in my area, they live 3 hours away, so don't really know these places. There is no particular reason for them to have a preference rather than control. I have a preference because the venue makes a difference to my kids, which will impact all of us. This happens all the time.

Another example, I suggested going to a farm whilst we were on holiday with them. I was told not everyone likes farms and that we should pick activities that suits everyone. We did adult activities all week with a 1 and 3 year old. It was hard work!!

I have hardly made any decisions about activities we do as a family in 40 years, it seems so weird and it's quite exhausting.

It's also really trivial, so everything I let it slide. Everything I object, it's so tiring and I never really get to choose.

What's wrong with them? I'm worried this will get worse as they get older. Anyone seen my future?

I don't have too much purpose with this thread but does anyone else get this?

They aren't any more. The holiday was awful and it took me the length of the holiday to name it.

These day trips we sort so it's acceptable. But it always has to end with their suggestion. I won't say yes unless it's fine. But it'll never stop on my suggestion.

The place we are going isn't a nice, foods a bit rubbish, garden is fine but a bit small. No issue really. But they would never just say yes to the thing I suggested.

It's that which is weird and trivial. It doesn't matter whether we go to the one i suggest first or they suggest after. But it has to be their suggestion. I'm sure if I had suggested the one that have gone with, they wouldn't have suggested something else. Why does it bother me, because it's so persistent.

The kids won't notice, at this point and so I'll just go along with it.

We don't do holidays with them now. The resentment on my side has a cost. But it's not a cost to my kids anymore.

Oh i know. I'd rather have time at our house with them, in a park. They insisted on a meal, sure OK. Then suggested a place that didn't work. I said no. I suggested one that works really well. They suggested another and then said the conversation is over.

I would rather skip the meal, I don't much enjoy it do be honest. I've said this many times but apparently "it is a nice thing to do"

And yes, it's a long way but again, that's their choice about how to do visits.

So I think me and you might have similar natural preferences but if they want to travel that's their choice, if they want to go out we can accommodate it. I just always feel like I'm saying yes. Apart from the one "no" with a counter preference, the preference is over ruled

When they suggested an alternative without acknowledging your choice you should've said "What was wrong with the place I chose? It works really well for dc. The place you have chosen is actually not very good for food".

While I lived at home until I was 18 they would have the final decision on a whole range of matters and that was fair enough in my eyes.

From the day I left home the dynamic changed completely and they never made a single decision that impacted me ever again.

There is no way that mine of DH’s parents would ever have a say in what we do now. The very much have to fit in with what we do primarily because we have far less flexibility than they do as we are working parents with a young child.

They said "let's go here instead. We can't discuss it anymore now as we are about to go out let's pick it up tomorrow"

Being busy with young kids means I don't want a multi day debate about which place to go out for food, when I don't particularly want to go anyway.

I'm just offended that the don't care what I want or think.

This is the dynamic that I would have thought would be normal. My parents are always making the decisions for their parents too. So the dynamic you describe is the dynamic they enjoyed as parents.

Tell them you are offended then. Tell them that they don't consider either your opinion or the needs of your children, and you are fed up to the back teeth of them always having to have the last word. Tell them that you are not going to tolerate it any longer, and you are putting your foot down.

You can be close to your parents whilst not vacationing with them. I did similar after my dad yelled at me a 40y.o. Woman (with 2 dc) after I lost a diamond necklace on vacation with parents. That was the last spring break trip with them and the last rip to anywhere but siblings home where I could then minimally interact with dad. Mum was fine

have your parents come to you…would
you like to come next weekend we plan on doing xxxx. They say no let’s do yyyyy. You say the plans are set we would love for you to join us. They don’t come it’s on them. You have to make the initial change then incremental changes to rebalance the relationship. They will soon realize they accommodate you and dc or they don’t see any of you. You do have the more powerful hand here.

I stopped taking my son a perfectly well behaved 3 y.o. (Many years ago🥲) to restaurants for 2 yrs as it was too stressful for both of us. It did get better and I also divorced DH who only added to the stress. Dining-out is not it easy with dc.

You are probably right. You know the phrase death by 1000 cuts. It feels like that. So enormously trivial. Who cares where we go for dinner, I have much bigger problems. But it's being disregarded regularly.

I doubt they will listen to be honest. It'll be a stressful conversation. They will be controlling in other ways and probably not much will change.

It's partly why I've always made the calculus to keep quiet. I've experienced their willingness to fight, shout, not talk to people.

Its hard because I feel I have to chose between this easy going state with a weak relationship. To then create a high intensity state with a weak relationship

It doesn't feel like a smart choice

I think you need to learn saying “yes” to things which suit you and “no” to things which don’t suit you. Politely, calmly and with a smile: Oh no, we won’t join you this time. it would be too much for kids. How about this place ? No? Oh it’s ok then. See you next Sunday.
Make sure you join them sometimes when their suggestion is not too bad from your point of view.
Rinse, repeat and continue this approach. Don’t go into details but be realistic. Some places are not ideal for kids but might be good to visit anyway.
You can also tell : We won’t join you today as we are busy with this and that.( IF you are busy) Add that they can take children with them ( if it’s appropriate and realistic)

How often they are visiting ? And do they visit you after some sort of activity in your town like club or church or shopping? Maybe they are genuinely hungry but don’t like your food/ don’t like to eat in your house? It’s ok by the way but then they need to make an effort to see you and kids another time.
I would try this approach before saying that you were offended.

@Ooih do they stay with you when they visit or just come for the day and suggest one activity?
If the latter, you can suggest the activity and date proactively as a PP suggested.

I have a friend in her 70's whose father is STILL controlling a lot of her life, despite the fact that she lives a very long way away. He does it by offering to help her pay for things (she's quite hard up), so if she needs, for example, a new washing machine he will offer to buy her one but then stipulate the EXACT machine that she is allowed to have. If he gives her money towards a new car, then she HAS to buy the make and model he decides she needs. She would love to be able to tell him to stuff his money, but without help she'd be without a lot of things.

Don't be my friend. Stand up to them now. It is controlling behaviour but they won't see it as such.

My sister is super controlling like that. I’ve spent the last ten years getting blunter and blunter in my responses.

We’re now at the stage where if she says “let’s meet at X at 2pm” my response might be “No, X doesn’t suit us. We can meet you at Y at 2pm”.

She’ll try to argue/debate it etc etc, I just don’t get involved or attempt to justify my position.

We’re not going to X. It’s that simple. She doesn’t need to know my reasons. If she has a strop about Y I’ll just keep repeating that we can meet her at Y, let me know if she’s going to be there. Honestly if she wants to see me and my kids she can meet where it’s convenient to me (she doesn’t work, is child free, has no commitments - she can fit in around us!).

Maybe just repeating your position bluntly and not getting into the debate would be less tiring?

I think we all mature as we have children and it naturally brings up some of the stuff from our childhood that we don’t want to recreate. Also it’s horrible when we see ourselves instinctively repeating patterns that we don’t want to.

It sounds like time for a maturing in your relationship with them that will benefit you all, as pps have said, having a calm conversation when you lay out clearly what you see as a pattern of them insisting on things their way. Let them know you don’t want to holiday with them because of it and feel that’s a shame. Be clear what you see as a solution going forward and ask if they can commit to trying to implement it. If they can’t then that’s on them. But you’ve given them the chance and behaved like an adult.

They have come to our town to see us, if we said no they would just go home, well they wouldn't they would persist until we found a solution. We might spend longer talking about it than the meal.

I object to the fact the discussion takes ages and that over time I notice a pattern, I'm always conceding.

I’d raise it with them ….”gosh you always have to be the ones who decide where we go, are you so bossy with your friends as well or just me”. See if it sinks in. Dont go on holiday with them again.

I have done this and they always do a counter suggestion. Even this time, I suggested meeting half way at a place.

• me: how about we meet half way at x place
• oh no that's too expensive
• me : how about this free activity, also half way
• what's the point in us both driving. I'll come to you and let's do a third activity near you
• me: sure.
• let's go out for a meal afterwards. And let's go to this specific place (a), to make it easier for you *me: this place (b) won't work for son, this place will
• how about this place (c) instead We can't talk about this anymore today

I've said multiple times in the past that going out for a meal isn't my preference but it's led to ridiculously long discussions.

It's that plans always have to be designed by them from beginning to end. I don't want to spend an eternity planning. So I concede.

The objective of the meeting was to see them, that's where I see I've gone wrong. It gives them the power. If the objective of meeting was a day trip with the kids, which most of our days are, then this would change the dynamic.

This feels right. Asserting myself has worked once but I still needed to compromise to keep the peace

That sounds really annoying but, and I mean this kindly, you are partly to blame for the situation. You are giving her too much power.

If you don't want to go to her suggestion just say that won't work really I'm gonna go here instead, you're welcome to join us.

You don't have to go on holiday with them and you don't have to go out anywhere when they come. If you don't want to do it just say so. I started pushing back with my mum who is quite similar and would you believe it, the minute I started pushing back (ie, I declined to go to her birthday dinner 2 hours away when there is a perfectly nice restaurant 20 minutes away) she backed down.

I'm sure they are doing it to test you, to see how much they can get away with.

And compromise is normal - just because they have this problem doesn’t mean you need to try and assume all the control (doesn’t sound like you are!) They are older and set in this pattern - it’s best to be realistic that this will be hard for them to achieve.

But if you take responsibility for yourself, acknowledge that perhaps you have a pattern of ‘keeping the peace’ and adult up in terms of your own ability to have an adult conversation without blaming, just being clear - you give them the best chance of actually listening to you rather than being defensive. Remember to ask how they feel and listen to them too. You probably feel you always do this but wouldn’t it be great to get to the heart of what this is all about, do they have anxieties etc.

It’s what I mean about the maturing - you become a mum and find out it’s fecking hard, grieve a bit because your own parents couldnt be the parents to you that you want to be for your kids, then grieve a bit as you discover you too don’t manage to be the parent you want to be all the time, and come to a more balanced place where you are all adults in the situation.

Tell them you /dc has gone vegan. Suggest a fab vegan place. Would they go? Doubt it. They can't insist you to go a steakhouse!
Where do they stay if they travel 3 hours?

@Ooih you said this upthread

”The place we are going isn't a nice, foods a bit rubbish, garden is fine but a bit small. No issue really. But they would never just say yes to the thing I suggested.”

So just say exactly that …

”The place you chose isn't a nice, foods a bit rubbish, garden is a bit small so we’re going where I recommended this time, I think you will prefer it and I know from experience that we and the kids will”

Don’t keep enabling them. And definitely do what another poster said - make the plan, invite them to join next time.

Just tell them you aren't going out for a meal. If they turn round and go home, then that's their problem. Don't agree to suggestions that don't suit you.
If that means you see them less, then that's their loss. They won't be seeing your DC in the best light if they keep insisting on places that don't suit children.

Really you do need to be firmer. Maybe be honest with them. You have young children and they should take priority. Eating out with young children isn’t always relaxing.😀 Tell your parents that you won’t be eating out with them until your children are a bit older. My adult children are so much more blunt than you but I like that we can be honest with each other.
My mother always tried to do this. One day my sister and I and our families ended up walking next to a canal in very windy conditions. I suddenly stopped and asked if we could take a vote on who wanted to do this walk. It was only my mother. The walk stopped.

Yes never thought of it that way before. It's slightly different in that I always propose something because I'm a planner, but it's vary rare a suggestion will be met with 'oh yes lets do that' its usually 'oh why don't you do xyz instead' with xyz being something completely different. It's like its part of the conversation for her but I find it quite exhausting.