Awkward wedding budget conversation

[bestale]

I find it weird to ask and weird not to ask.

My sibling got married 5 years ago and parents paid for elements of the wedding amounting to about £10k.

I got engaged two months ago but parents are going through messy divorce and both have mentioned money struggles over the last year.

My in-laws are asking how much my parents are contributing (they come from a culture where the brides parents pay the whole thing and know my parents contributed to my siblings) and they say they will cover the rest. I feel uncomfortable not giving them clarity so we can all plan as they are very much expecting my parents to pay a share of the bill.

But I feel weird neither parent has mention budget to me. If there is money ring fenced or not I really want to know either way.

I just don't know how to broach this conversation with my parents.

Both parents can act eratic, highly emotional and unreasonable when confronted with awkward uncomfortable conversations.

With my Dad I have to be mentally prepared to be called greedy, ungrateful, etc just for asking

With my mum I have to be mentally prepared for her to cry and tell me how stressed she is about money and how she doesn't eat properly.

Their property is worth £2m as a bench mark but obviously is poor timing and high emotions, and while they're not poor they feel poor.

Theres also a third unmarried sibling.

Any advice?

That is just being CFers.

@bestale how much are you looking at asking your PIL to pay? Will you scale down your plans so they don’t have to pay too much? Do you not think your wedding, your money to pay for it?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her own parents if they can contribute when they paid for her sister's wedding. As a parent of two DDs I wouldn't dream of giving money to one and not the other. And there is nothing wrong with parents funding weddings. We could have paid for all of ours ourselves but both sets of parents wanted to contribute.

Quite!

I agree with this.

If your circumstances change you may not be able to do the same for one that you did for the other

Either don’t ask them at all and plan for a wedding you can afford to pay for yourself, or ask them tactfully with no pressure.

Hi Mum/Dad,

I know money is tighter now and you’re not obliged to contribute anything if you don’t want to, but we are in the process of budgeting for the wedding so if you feel able to and want to contribute anything towards it, let me know how much so I can start planning accordingly. If you can’t, it’s okay, we can work on the basis of our own savings.

I’d maybe send something like that via text. That way, it’s less awkward for you asking and less awkward for your parents if they have to say no.

I think either one of them options are okay if you’re sure that in the event you choose the second option, your parents would be honest with you and say no if they couldn’t afford it.

This sounds fine, OP. Just communicate with them.

We paid for our own wedding and had the small wedding we could afford. Weddings don't have to be fancy to be special. The wedding is one day. It's what comes after that matters.

I had this, my mum and step dad paid for two full weddings for my sister (first one cancelled at last minute). My step dad would tell me stories of the money they have for my wedding in savings and how it’s waiting for me. When we did get married it turns out they spent the money on my sister because she had lost her job. That is of course fair enough, wouldn’t have wanted her to be homeless but it did still sting a little bit.

My mum now has memory problems and talks about how she has no money now as she gave it all to her children- that takes a lot to remind her that she’s not talking about me, the child who is visiting her.

@NerrSnerr I'm angry on your behalf!