Awkward wedding budget conversation

[bestale]

I find it weird to ask and weird not to ask.

My sibling got married 5 years ago and parents paid for elements of the wedding amounting to about £10k.

I got engaged two months ago but parents are going through messy divorce and both have mentioned money struggles over the last year.

My in-laws are asking how much my parents are contributing (they come from a culture where the brides parents pay the whole thing and know my parents contributed to my siblings) and they say they will cover the rest. I feel uncomfortable not giving them clarity so we can all plan as they are very much expecting my parents to pay a share of the bill.

But I feel weird neither parent has mention budget to me. If there is money ring fenced or not I really want to know either way.

I just don't know how to broach this conversation with my parents.

Both parents can act eratic, highly emotional and unreasonable when confronted with awkward uncomfortable conversations.

With my Dad I have to be mentally prepared to be called greedy, ungrateful, etc just for asking

With my mum I have to be mentally prepared for her to cry and tell me how stressed she is about money and how she doesn't eat properly.

Their property is worth £2m as a bench mark but obviously is poor timing and high emotions, and while they're not poor they feel poor.

Theres also a third unmarried sibling.

Any advice?

Have the wedding YOU and your partner can afford, don’t rely on anyone else for money and if they offer, then great.

Are they going to sell the house?

OP won’t be back

She didn’t get the answer she wanted

Have you done any planning or worked out rough costs for the wedding you want? Has either of your parents asked about your plans?

I think you need to tell your future parents in law that your parents are possibly not paying anything and they can decide if they then want to contribute or not.

You can probably check in with them but it should be along the lines of, I'm assuming you aren't able to contribute anything because of the divorce so its easy for them to be honest with you.

Nothing wrong with a tiny wedding if it’s what fits your budget. Pay for it yourself.

Then choose an item - photographer, or champagne for toasts that your PIL or anyone can contribute if they want to. Why in 2026 are we still expecting massive weddings that other people are obligated to pay for?

Just have a wedding you can afford. Our wedding cost less than £10k, although that was a few years ago

What have I even read! If you are old enough to get married you are old enough to pay for your own bloody wedding.

Cool

You say that like you’ve never heard of parents helping to pay for a wedding

They don’t intend to help I’m afraid. How old are you? Is this cultural?

I wonder if your feelings about money not being contributed are more complex and really a manifestation of your feelings about lack of interest and involvement from your parents.

I can't imagine expecting a parent to pay for or even towards my wedding as a 50 something year old. Early 20s young adults who haven't yet got established careers is different and I wouldn't expect the same financial contribution. But I would expect my family to want to show up for me and celebrate with me.

Been married twice and the first time was back when the brides parents were expected to pay. Dad almost sold his soul in order to pay as they were not well off and I was the eldest of 5 girls. Grooms parent were quite wealthy and kept promising to 'make quite a contribution'.
Tuns out the 'contribution' was the cake and that was made by his auntie. Suppose they had to pay out for the flour and sugar!
2nd time we obviously paid for everything ourselves.

But they didn't know that they were going to get divorced at the time.

Things change, it is very unfortunate for the OP and her other sibling, but it is beyond everyone's control.

Absolutely, that could be the case, but it doesn't mean they should be offended if the question is even asked. OP just needs to finds a way of having that conversation.

But the OP knows that they have financial problems, so it is wrong to even think about asking them for something as unimportant as a wedding.

It is just one day and if the PIL think it is so important then they should pay for it.

The wedding guests are spectators: You and DH are the main event. Have a lovely romantic wedding that you will both look back on with love. It is your day and future happiness.

Do not make it all about the money. Have what you and DH feel comfortable with. Even if ILs and others say they want to contribute that will muddy the waters and end up with them calling the shots.

'I really don't feel comfortable asking my parents for money at the moment given the situation they're in. If they offer at a later date, we will give the amount directly to you if you are so generously planning on paying for the majority of the wedding'

we wont fund it ourselves we are saving for a kid. We will use whatever PIL give us which we know will be more than enough. They have money for it and we are gratefully accepting.

I will explain to my PIL that my parents are unlikely to contribute and tis too rude for me to ask them. They can gift whatever they like and we will work with that.

Bestale your attitude is not right in any way. Why should parents pay the total cost of your wedding celebrations? I'll wager money that your marriage will not last 5 years. If I was a parent of yours or your fiance I would not contribute £1 to your marriage.

@bestale entitled much??

my PIL don't want us spending our money on the wedding and we are saving it for a kid. They don't have to give us anything but anything they give us we will happily accept. They are just expecting my parents to contribute given they did for my sibling.

The one couple that should shoulder the cost is the bride and groom. Why don’t you just say to PIL you don’t know what parents are contributing things are up in the air with the divorce and you don’t think it’s a good time to ask about money. Why can’t your PIL just contribute what they can/want to?

FFS, if you give 10k to one of your kids fie a wedding, you give the same to your other kid, or you tell them straight up you can't and apologise.

Anyone suggesting otherwise is cracked

Just have a wedding that you and DH can fund yourselves. If that means the 2 of you and a couple of random witnesses then so be it.

I certainly wouldn’t be getting involved in the politics of wider family finances to fund a wedding. It’s ridiculous.