Awkward wedding budget conversation

[bestale]

I find it weird to ask and weird not to ask.

My sibling got married 5 years ago and parents paid for elements of the wedding amounting to about £10k.

I got engaged two months ago but parents are going through messy divorce and both have mentioned money struggles over the last year.

My in-laws are asking how much my parents are contributing (they come from a culture where the brides parents pay the whole thing and know my parents contributed to my siblings) and they say they will cover the rest. I feel uncomfortable not giving them clarity so we can all plan as they are very much expecting my parents to pay a share of the bill.

But I feel weird neither parent has mention budget to me. If there is money ring fenced or not I really want to know either way.

I just don't know how to broach this conversation with my parents.

Both parents can act eratic, highly emotional and unreasonable when confronted with awkward uncomfortable conversations.

With my Dad I have to be mentally prepared to be called greedy, ungrateful, etc just for asking

With my mum I have to be mentally prepared for her to cry and tell me how stressed she is about money and how she doesn't eat properly.

Their property is worth £2m as a bench mark but obviously is poor timing and high emotions, and while they're not poor they feel poor.

Theres also a third unmarried sibling.

Any advice?

Don’t ask them. Your one day is not more important than their future security, unless they’re rich. Divorce is horrendously expensive, you have to pay 2 lots of everything where before there was one.

I would expect any couple to plan a wedding they can afford and be appreciative of any parental contributions.
I can't imagine spending £10k on a wedding if you don't have that money spare.

Are they (and the PiL) likely to want aunty Jane and uncle Joe and all the hangers on to be part of the wedding party to save face? If so - then I’d be asking about them ponying up.

If they don’t have opinions then do (and pay for) the wedding you and your partner want and can afford.

Personally I don’t think you should rely on or expect anyone else’s money for your own wedding.

Plan within your financial means and remember it’s just one day. A marriage is about the rest of your life together not just one day.

I don't think you need to not ask because your parents are getting divorced. If they have savings and investments they will largely still have them. Yes they may have some solicitor fees. Presumably they are selling a 2 million home that is mortgage free so will have 1 million each of equity less fees. 5k is nothing in the context of their finances.

I think a lot of the same people are saying "my siblings got 20k and I got nothing" and "I would never ask" - your siblings probably did ask! Shy bairns get nae sweets!

I would assume they are not going to contribute, as otherwise they would have said something. Decide what you can afford yourselves and tell your in laws that is what you have to work with, then if they want to contribute they can. They don't need to know your parents aren't unless they directly ask.

Why not just budget expecting to pay it for yourself?
It sounds as though your parents are in a very different financial situation now than they were when your brother got married.
I presume they know you are getting married and would offer if they intend/can help you
Your partner's parents don't need to know how much or how little your parents can contribute

Has it occurred to you that you could just pay for your own wedding?!?

Why do your PIL have to shoulder a lot of money? Pay for a wedding you can afford

This. I would have been astounded if my in-laws had started asking about my parents' financial input to our wedding. It's so rude!!

We actually paid for our own wedding, within a budget, so it wasn't an issue. We're still married 30+ years later.

If your ILs want to give you some money, then they should give you the amount they want to

Quite.

Id turn the in-laws question around and ask to your DH to tell them you don’t know if your parents are paying for anything but in the meantime you’d gratefully accept anything the PIL would like to contribute. I’d leave your siblings wedding out of the equation.

Thanks for sharing. How is that relevant?

So have a tiny wedding then

The way you describe your parents - it does t seem like you’re close to them or even really like them!

You have postponed your wedding because your presumably very aged parents aren’t contributing and no one in your family wants to come.

Why postpone? Nothing is going to change surely? There’s obviously been a terrible breakdown in relationships between you and your entire family @OneNewEagle !

Agree with others above. Sounds like everyone is spending too much money.

Maybe say pre-empt their answer and ask it that way….’just wanted to double check, as in-laws are asking, i know you’re going through a tough time right now so assumed you wouldn’t be able to contribute towards our wedding? No worries if not’

Well, your PIL will just have to pay for the whole thing or you will have to have a registrar wedding.

There is nothing anyone can do if your parents are divorcing.

Because parents shouldn't be expected to contribute.

The parents have created this expectation. On one side, by gifting money for a sibling's wedding - as one would expect siblings with the same parents to be treated equally. On the other side, by offering money to help pay for this wedding.
The delicate question of asking 'how much' is what the OP is struggling with.

TBH I would simply email/write to each of them individually: Dear Mum/ Dad, I know things are very unsettled with the divorce being finalised but we are beginning to plan the wedding next year and so I am working out the budget. I was wondering whether, in the circumstances, you felt able to contribute at all but, if not, I’ll understand. Just thought I would ask now. Love you

… and leave it there.

If it's all you can afford, then have a tiny wedding - your parents are probably going to absolutely hate the whole day, so let's be honest, they aren't in a position mentally or probably financially to be thinking about paying for your wedding.

You are adults, so pay for your own wedding.

With or without a budget contribution from your parents, your PIL saying they "will cover the rest" isn't helpful if you don't know what they expect "the rest" to amount to. If they would like to contribute they would be better saying "we would like to give you x amount" irrespective of what your parents are giving. Can your OH not respond suggesting that?
My friend said she'd pay flowers for her relative, it ended up loads more than she expected but she felt committed by then. I imagine relatives would he a bit upset if they realised. She'd have been better just giving a lump sum.

It's not you PIL's wedding, they don't have anything to plan.

I’m with everyone else - why aren’t you and your partner paying for your own wedding?

Why aren't you and your fiance paying for the wedding?

Just decide what you can afford and book a wedding that costs that amount or wait and save up. Anything your parents pay towards is just a nice bonus.