Awkward wedding budget conversation

[bestale]

I find it weird to ask and weird not to ask.

My sibling got married 5 years ago and parents paid for elements of the wedding amounting to about £10k.

I got engaged two months ago but parents are going through messy divorce and both have mentioned money struggles over the last year.

My in-laws are asking how much my parents are contributing (they come from a culture where the brides parents pay the whole thing and know my parents contributed to my siblings) and they say they will cover the rest. I feel uncomfortable not giving them clarity so we can all plan as they are very much expecting my parents to pay a share of the bill.

But I feel weird neither parent has mention budget to me. If there is money ring fenced or not I really want to know either way.

I just don't know how to broach this conversation with my parents.

Both parents can act eratic, highly emotional and unreasonable when confronted with awkward uncomfortable conversations.

With my Dad I have to be mentally prepared to be called greedy, ungrateful, etc just for asking

With my mum I have to be mentally prepared for her to cry and tell me how stressed she is about money and how she doesn't eat properly.

Their property is worth £2m as a bench mark but obviously is poor timing and high emotions, and while they're not poor they feel poor.

Theres also a third unmarried sibling.

Any advice?

There’s no reason at all for them to have to contribute a large sum. Just have a modest wedding you can fund yourselves. As a pp said, if your parents are in mid-divorce, neither of them knows what their financial situation will be, so they’re in no position to pay for your wedding either.

You, the couple getting married, should be shouldering the bill. I know it's disappointing if they've paid for your sisters wedding but their circumstances have changed and they haven't offered you anything.

Have the wedding you can afford by yourselves.

I think it's reasonable to say "hey mum, Dad, we're just fixing our wedding budget at the moment. I'm not assuming any contribution from you because I know you're having a difficult time at the moment. That's totally fine and I'm not expecting anything from you at all. But let me know if I'm wrong because it might mean we plan different things than we would have otherwise"

PS - I think your in laws are being a bit of a pain. If you don't want to have that conversation with your parents then I think it's fine to ask your other half to say to your in-laws "it's so kind you want to contribute, we're really grateful. Rather than basing your contribution on what others may or may not pay could you just let us know what contribution you're comfortable making, and we'll plan on that basis?"

If your ILs want to give you some money, then they should give you the amount they want to. It shouldn’t matter what your parents are doing. If your dad is going to be a dick about it, I wouldn’t even bother asking. Just pay for the wedding yourself.

Agree with this.

Just have the wedding you can afford yourself.

If they haven't offered already they probably aren't going to.
Plan a less expensive wedding.

It would be rude to ask for money. Just have the wedding you can afford within your budget.

How old are you OP? Do you still live at home?

Plan a wedding that your and your partner can afford. IF you get extra then its a bonus.

DH has a half and a step sibling. His mum/step dad paid £20,000 for EACH of their weddings. Their contribution for us was a £2000 cheque we were asked not to cash!

If they haven’t already offered an amount id assume you’ll be paying for it yourself…

I’m very close to my parents but I’d never be so rude as to ask them what contribution they’d be making to my wedding. You know it’s clearly a difficult situation given that they’re getting divorced and to put pressure on them would be very unfair of you. I certainly wouldn’t be putting myself in a situation where I’d be being called greedy by my father for asking either.

Your in laws can surely contribute the amounts they feel comfortable with irrespective of what your parents are doing. I’d just tell you don’t know if you’ll be receiving a contribution from them but if they offer you’ll share the details as and when it happens.

Are you and your OH not contributing anything yourselves or is it all being paid for by in laws and maybe your parents?

I think it's a little odd that you think in the terms of either your parents pay half and your future in-laws pay the other half or your future in-laws pay all of it. It's your wedding, you are presumably adults, you should assume that you are paying for your own wedding and if either set of parents wants to contribute towards it they can but it shouldn't be expected.

Also, whilst going through divorce your parents won't know what they will be left with. They will presumably now have to buy two properties which combined might cost more than the one they currently have.

Honestly op cut out the drama and pay yourself for what you can afford !!

my parents had no money to give us for it

my mil dangled money at us but it came with all sorts of strings attached and adding guests we didn’t want and having different stipulations than what we wanted etc that she’d pay for

so we just said no thanks and did what we wanted without anyone else’s input

Good lord! You are presumably a working adult? Pay for your own wedding…the days of the brides parents shouldering most of the bill are LONG GONE! Yes, it’s nice if family contribute ‘something’ but that’s a bonus, not an expectation.

I wouldn’t ask about money directly, they know you are engaged and would have offered if they intended to.

If you think it might not have occurred to them to offer given all the turmoil they are going through, maybe send them copies of your potential wedding plans “ we are thinking of having it at this venue or that venue on such and such a date, and these are the menus. We’d be interested in your thoughts”
If you get no monetary offers after this it’s safe to assume they won’t be forthcoming.

Whatever happens I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

Whilst it isn’t unreasonable to hope that because your parents contributed £10K towards your sisters wedding five years ago they will contribute the same up to the same+inflation for yours…given the circumstances (and their lack of communication over it) you’ll have to assume this is not the case. Yes, it is a bit awkward.

It is also a bit awkward (and quite rude) that your PIL are pushing their cultural expectation that your parents pay/asking about their budget. If your PIL want to contribute then really they should just offer what they feel comfortable with, and it be completely independent of what your parents do. Then you can cut your cloth according to your budget.

Personally, I would choose the tiny wedding that I could afford/are prepared to pay for as a couple without any parent’s money.

I’m sorry op that sounds like a tough family situation. I know you feel you deserve the money (and I agree you do) but I don’t think you should ask. I don’t think it’s manipulative as one person said, and at first I though a quick “are you able to help out message” would be OK but reading your update your poor mum is going through the mill and you dad sounds difficult so just scale back you expectations financial and emotional, and say that they don’t have anything to contribute. If you can save a bit or have some saving that would be great. I got £1500 from my mum and nothing from dad as NC and feeling like it is money that is given with good grace is much better than begrudgingly.

Also you don’t have to have a big fancy wedding, small weddings can be delightful. And some venues are lovely at doing packages.

It’s your wedding. How is it a lot for them to shoulder? You pay for it, and if your PiL choose to give you a gift of money towards it then that will help you, but they aren’t meant to pay for the whole thing.
Or are you and your finance not actually planning to pay for your own wedding?

We paid for our wedding ourselves. It would never occur to me to ask my parents or parents-in-law for money for something like this. I’d only ask for financial help if I was in dire straits, having lost my job or something. If they felt inclined to give you anything, they would have done so. They may still make a contribution, but asking is really poor form.

Why aren't you paying for your own wedding? I would never dream of asking anyone else to contribute.

How much can you afford yourselves? There's lots of ways to get married much cheaper (and still have a great day)

I wouldn’t even ask - think the phrase is “pick your battles”
just be honest with the in-laws and say they’re going thru a messy divorce and can’t commit to anything at the moment so we will cover it ourselves and do what you can afford!

Not necessarily, the tradition is alive and well in my culture, my parents paid for every single aspect of my wedding. However we weren't allowed to live/sleep together before marriage.

If OP wants to be in a "modern" couple then they should act like it and pay for their own wedding.

I don't even understand why people bother with big weddings when they're already living together.