Non horsey husband

[Nonhorseyhusbandhelp]

My husband has had the misfortune of having never been around horses so really is clueless about every aspect of horses other than them being big and expensive. I've grown up with horses but haven't had them since knowing my husband due to work, kids etc.

I have always been very clear about the fact that this is something that is important to me and will be something I plan to do again in the future when the kids are a little older so not paying childcare and I'm back working full time again.

I recently mentioned this again to my husband who completely freaked out saying it's too much money.

I'm feeling totally deflated about this as this has been my plan/goals and I was clear about this from the start. I also made sure to go into a career which would mean I was financially stable and therefore able to have the lifestyle I wanted.

If any of you have a non horsey partner how do you make this work? Both financially and I guess emotionally?

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I have name changed for this, because I will be talking about my real life.

My partner is horsey, in a very big way. They own several horses, all of which are on livery and compete in various disciplines. The nags get only the best of everything. I don’t know how much all of this costs, but I’m well aware that it amounts to £ hundreds per nag per month.
My partner pays for everything out of their disposable income. (We each pay X amount into a joint account each month to cover mortgage & bills and the rest of our income is our own) They are a well paid professional person. I help with feeding & turning out occasionally, but I don’t contribute financially at all.

@JaffavsCookie Your arrangement sounds very similar to ours. It works well for us. Separate finances, my partner’s horses are 100% their financial responsibility and that is not going to change. I have my own, far less expensive hobby : A football season ticket.

This came up in active convos, I'm not horsey at all, I know some people who are and I had no idea it's so expensive. I would massively resent my husband if he insisted on having a hobby that cost 1k a month and hours of time. And I'd leave him over it. I think it's a huge drain on family finances and quite selfish.
I think you need to seriously talk it through with your husband in case he feels like I do.

@zurala As the non-horsey partner, I completely understand your view. If my partner had wanted to go from no horses to the current situation, that would have been 100% a deal breaker, but it wasn’t like that. It started as one small, cute, relatively low maintenance native pony and has escalated over the years to several huge, very high-maintenance competition horses. That’s how it happens. The boiled frog technique…

@zurala yes it's a huge expensive but I guess if the money is there what's the issue?

@NonHorsey as a horsey person with a non-horsey DH this is exactly how we split our finances amd I think it is the only fair way of doing it.

I would see it as a waste. That amount of money could go into the mortgage, pensions, a good holiday, things that benefit the family as a whole.

Unless you are really rich, then no one can spend 1k a month and not miss it or have to make sacrifices.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted that anyone would spend that on average salaries and think it's ok. Would your husband get 1k and the same free time each month?

@zurala that's fair enough you would see it as a waste! I'm not sure if you'd read the rest of the thread? My husband would be able to spend the same amount on himself if he wanted to however I doubt he would as he doesn't have a hobby that costs the same and wouldn't want to just spend it for the sake of spending it

@Nonhorseyhusbandhelp I think that is the difference between horsey and non-horsey people though. To a non-horsey person I can see how it looks like an obscene amount of money to spend on a hobby. Horsey people however would never quibble it and we can't understand how anyone wouldn't want to spend every last penny on a horse and live off baked beans whilst looking like a mad woman because we can't afford haircuts or new clothes for ourselves 🤣.

@twistyizzy oh absolutely! My husband was really trying to understand where I'm coming from with it but he will probably never actually get it. Whereas I'm looking at it thinking how it's worth every penny 😂

I did read it all yesterday, didn't retain all the detail overnight though!
To be honest I'd really struggle with my husband spending that amount unless we were mortgage free, able to afford 2-3 holidays a year and not having to think about money in any way otherwise ie could just spend without worrying.
Otherwise, to me, it really is obscene and unnecessary.

How does your husband view it?

@zurala that's why most horsey people are a little bit bonkers! We would spend every last penny on our horses and go without things ourself. There is no rationale to it and it certainly isn't logical, it is a total addiction. At the end of the day though we only get 1 life and as long as it financially doesn't affect or disadvantage the family then there are worse things to be addicted to.

@zurala he thinks it's a horrific amount of money! And he's right it is😅. But we don't go on lots of holidays, drive fancy cars, or have a big house. We live in a relatively cheap part of the UK which helps. I suppose my thinking is after bills, family costs, joint savings is paid and we split the rest between us and I can afford it then what's the issue?

Exactly! I also think if I didn't do it I would be sitting in my care home in the future regretting it!

It's tricky, expensive and basically my DH is a saint..... We have our horses at home with stables bang next to the house. There are pros and cons. The house has been a good investment it's now worth a lot more than what I paid for it. It's also the only way I could manage DC, full time job and horses. I can muck out while they are all still in bed or watching TV! I WFH so I can ride in my lunch hour 2-3 times on weekdays as well as weekends. Even if you have full livery trying to get a horse ridden 4-5 times a week takes a big chunk of time. I do compete but tend to book local things which I can go, do, come straight home so DH isn't stuck all day with DC.
The cons are it's still a heck of a lot of work. DH actually really likes the land management /fencing/building projects. He finds it relaxing and likes his toys (quad bike). I'm very lucky. It's also still expensive with mortgage, land maintenance etc. Mine also seems to really love the vet .....so I've had some eye watering bills even with the insurance.
I wouldn't recommend getting a horse if your DH isn't fully on board as it really is a life style which affects the whole family.

Just to add to the bonkers horse lifestyle posts here. My extremely long-suffering DH met me when I wasn’t riding. I grew up being a total horse nutty child but was never able to have my own.

I had our DC and I just didn’t feel like I was living the life or relationships I wanted and needed. I just said to my DM I was thinking of walking away and how unhappy I was. She pushed me back into lessons to give me some time back and gave me some childcare help once a week. Then I loaned (that was a huge shock and DH and I did argue a bit and I got a couple of speeding tickets trying to be in fifty places all at once) but it settled.

Then I bought my own. Ex racer, totally numb to humans and broken as so many of them are. And that was it. Mostly part livery but I have managed part time and full time work around him. DC isn’t horsey but has tried - it just isn’t for them. So I am not as present as DH but always do bedtime.

And then two years ago when my first horse started really not wanting to work I got another. Also high needs for different reasons and it’s relentless and selfish and so expensive. I have my own place I rent and am there for 2 hours every day at least, all day on my non work day and all morning both days at the weekend. DH has his own hobby which I try and facilitate/support every opp I get and never put any blockers to him spending on it.

We have little to no spare money at all, we rarely go on holiday, I feel like the most selfish crazy lady on the planet but I know I will go to my grave having had one of the biggest dreams I could ever have fulfilled. Luckily nobody feels hard done by and we have separate money beyond household expenses and he has a very low maintenance job so is able to pick up the slack. I think the general consensus is happy wife/happy life. Which is a bit bleak but works for us currently.