Non horsey husband

[Nonhorseyhusbandhelp]

My husband has had the misfortune of having never been around horses so really is clueless about every aspect of horses other than them being big and expensive. I've grown up with horses but haven't had them since knowing my husband due to work, kids etc.

I have always been very clear about the fact that this is something that is important to me and will be something I plan to do again in the future when the kids are a little older so not paying childcare and I'm back working full time again.

I recently mentioned this again to my husband who completely freaked out saying it's too much money.

I'm feeling totally deflated about this as this has been my plan/goals and I was clear about this from the start. I also made sure to go into a career which would mean I was financially stable and therefore able to have the lifestyle I wanted.

If any of you have a non horsey partner how do you make this work? Both financially and I guess emotionally?

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts yes but that's why people should be 100% realistic with regards to time and money before buying a horse. Especially in today's current economic climate, horses are a complete luxury and need to be viewed as such. I get so passionate about this due to being a TB lover and owner, so many dumped in rescues due to people underestimating the time and money needed and then just off loading them after 6 months when it doesn't work out ie they can't be arsed!
The OP seems to have a healthy budget etc but it was the comments of "try it and if it doesn't work then just sell the horse" that got my back up.

Horses are wonderful. I didn't know any thing about horses being a pure Londoner. I became depressed and my gp said either it's tablets or go and help out at a stables and let the horses sort your out. So I did that and yes horses are great. I am only poor at riding but very enthusiastic about horses. You never can say never. Let the horse sorry him out

Oh absolutely - lots of people definitely underestimate the commitment, but equally it makes no sense to keep a horse in a home where it's not living up to its' potential.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts but horses don't know that they have potential 😁 I totally understand where you are coming from but no horse I know desires to do anything other than be a horse! I've had people tell me that I shouldn't give my horses a 4 month holiday every winter because they are going to waste 🙄 my horses don't know they are going to waste and come back happier and better every Spring. So that's a completely different discussion to this thread.

I'm not talking about that though - I'm talking about horses being kept as cheaply as possible and ending up in situations that are just a bit crap, really.

Yes, horses don't know they have potential but we know better than to keep them in crap conditions just because we can.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts 100% agree with you on that

Sounds like a brilliant doctor! Horses are well known for being therapeutic for humans until you actually buy one and then they are just non-stop stress 🤣

Before this pony I always had TB's too, all ex racers so were used to an ever changing environment and being cared for by a range of people. I mean people mostly buy horses of riding age or close to, so can't be too adverse to the concept of having horses change hands and being bought/sold. It's not like dogs where you either buy a puppy as a lifelong companion or rescue an adult where the rehoming is often traumatic. Few people buy a foal at weaning to keep for life but even in that case most would settle as long as they've been well socialised and seen a bit of the world. Obviously different for ones who have never left their premises for more than a hack. No one is saying just get one and sell it. OP can afford the horse just like I can afford mine but if the worst was to happen, which hopefully it never will it's an option. Again with mine he will be outgrown and he genuinely would be better off with a new child than just standing in a field 'being a horse'

@liveforsummer but a lot of racers don't cope with changing homes etc hence why so many have ulcers (90%) although that is only 1 contributing factor along with lack of turnout etc. Maybe I'm unique (although I know I'm not because most of my friends are the same) but when I buy a horse it is for life no matter what the age of the horse is when I buy it. My current one is 20yrs old, bought him at 12yrs old and he will be with me until he dies.

I can see his point a bit. I was the horsey one. He had never even seen a horse when I met him.

It was when my children started riding that he gave in and bought a pony for them and one for me

But. Having horses isn't a hobby it's a way of life. It's not the money it's the commitment and time out of family life that this takes and I genuinely under that.

The horse was sited in my friends divorce . It really is a big take on.
If you can make it a family activity with a pony then i think that's easier

Yes the lack of turn out is a huge factor and the stress of certain yard routines. Mine all came from yards with daily turn out and varied fun routines - hacking on open hills instead of daily gallop drills, cross country training days etc and never encountered ulcers. Anecdotal but telling imo.

Also, as you say you bought yours at 12, not as a foal at weaning. I assume he's happy with you and has a lovely life?!

He does indeed but I've previously had youngsters ie 3 yrs old also.

My husband isn’t horsey and indeed met me on a horse break. Like you, I was always going to have another horse once we returned to the UK.

We now have three horses at home, big old farmhouse that constantly needs renovating (costing way more than horses!) and a daughter that we’ve taken through pony club. It’s a life I never had as a child but was determined to have as an adult.

He loves to moan about the cost too. However, the way I see it is I don’t drink, smoke or go out spending money. I don’t have exciting new fashion clothes because all of my money goes into my horses. They make me happy. It is who I am. I cannot compromise on this. He knew this when he met me. I have also got our daughter into ponies and he’s actually enjoyed taking her out and about to pony club etc.

They really are a lifestyle, especially in DIY or at home. There is no day off. I’m still mucking out with my daughter at 6:30 before school and it doesn’t alter if it’s Christmas Day. You know that anyway.

We are fortunate to have this equestrian property, however I have not grown up with horses like I said. I’d have loved that.

I’ve worked hard in my life and career to afford them and learn to ride etc. I had horses before I met him and won’t compromise on not having them in my life. I compromise on being able to afford other things for myself because of my horses.

They give me a complete sense of being whole, peaceful and present. It’s something I can’t begin to explain but just breathing them in helps me feel good.

Whilst they are expensive, and he will moan, he will also benefit from a happier you and who knows he may even enjoy it.

My husband will moan always but at the end of the day he also wants to see me happy and our daughter. It’s not his thing, I rarely ask him to do anything on a day to day basis.

If you can afford it then go for it. You can get lots of gear second hand, there’s insurance for vet bill cover etc.

I’m pretty ruthless and previous divorce has shown me that men come and go, but horses remain a constant joy are wonderful for my mental health. Probably don’t come to me for relationship advice. I’ve just read it back what I’ve wrote. To me horses are my life. Go for it. Please.

@twistyizzy I’m not saying just buy a horse on a whim and sell it if it doesn’t work out. The OP has seriously considered the implications of horse ownership.

Horses get sold on all the time for all different legitimate reasons and that is 100% okay. If you care about your horse, you will make sure they go to a loving home where they will make someone else so incredibly happy.

What I’m saying is, sometimes you just have to take the plunge, worrying and over thinking things tooo much can hold us back so much in life. It’s not the be all and end all if for some reason it doesn’t work out - you have choices. My horse is my absolute world who I sacrifice a lot for, but he gives back ten fold, I can’t ever imagine life without him. I had the same worries as the OP, so I understand where she’s coming from, but if you want to make it work it’s possible and don’t let anyone convince you it isn’t.

"I’m pretty ruthless and previous divorce has shown me that men come and go, but horses remain a constant joy are wonderful for my mental health. Probably don’t come to me for relationship advice. I’ve just read it back what I’ve wrote. To me horses are my life. Go for it. Please"

This is wonderful ❤️

To add to all the other sensible comments
i was riding and horse owning long before i met my DH to be at 18, he nailed it pretty quickly when I overheard him saying to a pal, don’t ever ask her if it is the horse or me, i know what the response will be😄
about 25 years ago we pushed on and bought the horsey property, he is still a non horsey DH, but will do evening stables if I am stuck at work (though I have the horses trained to go in to their own stables so he doesn’t have to bother with headcollars)
The other bit that works for us, and would send most of MN into a frenzy, is that we have separated finances. Obviously (or not) we share all the bills, but the rest of our money is our own, so l am not spending his money on my (very) expensive hobby. I do positively encourage him to spend money on his own hobby to partially relieve my guilt.

❤️

I've done the full livery thing due to a well paid but hard stressful job with long hours.. I ended up not really enjoying it as I didn't get any of the down time with my horse that actually helped my mental health. Also when he developed arthritis I was in a real pickle as by then I had 3 children with childcare fees, still doing the stupid job but part time due to the children (still full time + hours in normal jobs) so I had no time, little benefit from the horse and a sodding great bill to pay. His arthritis progressed quickly and he was no longer field sound and in pain despite being on pain relief. He was PTS as he was miserable. Had he been field sound I could not have made that call. A while later we lived rurally with a little land... i took in a rescue pony, and my husband has farmyard pets who live with him ! He costs next to nothing to keep, I dont ride but get far more enjoyment and relaxation from him. Pony fixes come in many ways. And for me the full livery proper horse thing was surprisingly lacking and stressful ! And I will NEVER add up how much it ended up as cost/ride as I will probably vomit ....

I bought a horse ( my first) aged 55 - and its been the most wonderful think I have ever done, BUT It is very expensive ( I budget £1000 a month at the moment- she is on pt livery) and it takes up a LOT of my time. My children are all adults now and my budget is my own issue as I am a single parent, I would struggle to justify either the time commitment or the expense to anther non horsey adult. Having said that, owing my own horse has given me more joy than I can express, the bond between us is so strong and I do not regret one penny I have spent on her or her upkeep. Pt livery does give m more flexibility as I also work full time and 'doing' the horse twice a day would be impossible..

one person spending 10k a year on hobby is definitely going to impact the family not to mention time

Thank you everyone for your replies! Good to hear some different perspectives on it! It's definitely something I'll be speaking about with him again once he's got over the initial shock of the cost 😂

@OriginalFloorboards I really love this!

@Lastqueenofscotland2 all year turnout would definitely be an non negotiable for me! Horses welfare would be an absolute priority. I'm further north than you so I wonder if that makes things a bit cheaper?

@Nonhorseyhusbandhelp looking forward to your new horse photos ❤️ in the future. Do update x