Non horsey husband

[Nonhorseyhusbandhelp]

My husband has had the misfortune of having never been around horses so really is clueless about every aspect of horses other than them being big and expensive. I've grown up with horses but haven't had them since knowing my husband due to work, kids etc.

I have always been very clear about the fact that this is something that is important to me and will be something I plan to do again in the future when the kids are a little older so not paying childcare and I'm back working full time again.

I recently mentioned this again to my husband who completely freaked out saying it's too much money.

I'm feeling totally deflated about this as this has been my plan/goals and I was clear about this from the start. I also made sure to go into a career which would mean I was financially stable and therefore able to have the lifestyle I wanted.

If any of you have a non horsey partner how do you make this work? Both financially and I guess emotionally?

@Nonhorseyhusbandhelp if your DH would enjoy living rurally, doing the 'land management' side of things, and keeping other animals, then that could be ideal and would be a lifestyle the whole family could buy into, whether horsey or not. My DH loves our life in a small city, has no interest in living rurally (we tried it once and it didn't work out well) and DS is settled in school, so that's out of the question for me.

Also, sharing with a trusted horsey person like your sister could work really well, as long as you bought a horse that was okay having different riders and had very clear agreement going in about who is responsible for what, and how the horse should be kept (preferably with a written loan contract). Part-loans can be great, but can also go badly for both sides if there are different expectations of how it should work.

Also, is your sister similar to you in the sort of horses she enjoys riding? My sister and I both had ponies as kids, but she always preferred quiet, calm, sensible types, whereas I preferred something much bolder, and was willing to cope with the fizz that came with it. I would have been bored silly riding a horse that she felt comfortable with, she was flat out terrified of riding mine!
If you're paying out for full livery, you'll really want to have something that's right for you.

Hmmm try a loan. Tbh I'm super horsey but once my own horses passed I went the loan way as you need a healthy wallet these days for your own. That's what I got hubby to agree to met in the middle sort of speak.

It doesn't really matter that he has nothing specific to spend it on, though. He could choose to spend it on Starbucks and McDonald's if he wants - it's about you both having the same access to money and free time to do whatever you choose.

Unfortunately no real way to escape the fact that horses are expensive and a massive time commitment. Even if you pay for full livery, I assume you're still going to want to ride several times a week - so will it be your DH who has to be around to cover childcare or do you have other options?

Is there time for him to have the equivalent hours to himself, even if he just uses them to go to the pub or for a drive alone?

Hate to break it to you £800 won't be enough to cover full livery, vet bills, insurance, tack etc. maybe get a loan first and see how it goes!

@twistyizzy oh absolutely! I think most people I know with horses just don't ever add it up as they'd rather not know!

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats really? I would have thought from other peoples comments both on here and people local that £800 would be a reasonable amount. Vet bills would (hopefully) not be a monthly occurrence and I would have savings for any once off purchases like tack etc. I mean more £800 a month for the general monthly costs with livery being about £500 with hay, bedding fees etc included, farrier, insurance (which is usually something I pay yearly), and putting a bit aside for the non monthly costs such as worming, vaccines etc. Are you on full? What's it costing you? I have had a horse on full before but this was a few years back now and in a different area from where I am now so I'm not completely naive to the costs

You get one life, live it how you want.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts I mean he could then spend the equivalent on things himself and if he found himself an equally costly hobby he could then spend the money. In regards to the time yes he would look after the kids but we have family local as well who can help

Would there be the equivalent amount of time available for him to take while you look after the DC?

I think it's really important with this kind of thing that you make things as equal as possible, otherwise resentment can so easily build.

I'll never own a horse as the cost and commitment terrifies me 😂 but I do spend a good amount of money on lessons and rides. We don't have DC to worry about so time isn't a huge issue, but I do make sure DH takes the equivalent money for himself to spend on whatever he likes, and he has his own hobbies that take him out for an equivalent time too.

@Wintersunrise he would enjoy living rurally so this is why I think it could work really well and he could really get into it!
Sister is not as experienced as me however since having kids I would probably be looking for something that is a bit more like something she would also ride. We are a similar height and weight as well which helps

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts hmm i think so, especially if he went part time like he's hoping too as he would have two extra days a week without me or the kids where he could do his more challenging hill walks.

Yeah I definitely don't want us to be resenting each other! I'm sure there is a way to work it out as I know many people do I just want to go into it in the best way possible. Maybe he'll get into horses as well and that'll resolve the whole issue 😂

I actually don’t think money is the main issue I think it’s the daily time commitment . I had horses when we met and my husband did embrace it quite well but when we had our first we put all but the Shetland on full livery and aside from buying a pony for the kids we’ve not replaced any as they have died off . We now only have the pony and she is on full livery , both her and our son were 30 this year , and fortunately both of our children had given up riding by 7 . We did discuss buying another horse a few years ago ( with my sister ) and my husband was very not keen from a time commitment POV , he’s not bothered about the financial aspect however I then got diagnosed with a couple of diseases which mean horses are a no go for me completely now .

Friends are on full livery and are paying £925 a month - insurance, farrier, competition fees etc are all on top. Granted that’s in an expensive area of the country but the first rule of horse ownership is it always costs more than you think 😬

@Pleasedontdothat oh Jesus! That's a lot! Full livery around here generally ranges around £400-£500. Obviously there are places more expensive but I wouldn't be opting for those!

I find with full livery yes there are some expensive options but you do get what you pay for and I’d be worried that full including bedding and feed for £400 a month would be cutting some serious corners somewhere

@Lastqueenofscotland2 with the £400 ones around here I think it's more facilities that you lose out one. The ones I would go for are around the £500 mark

I’d question at that price, given the cost of quality hay, food and bedding that they would be cutting corners there

@Lastqueenofscotland2 whereabouts are you and how much would it cost in your area? I suppose when I came to it I would do more research into particular yards anyway

Agree with what someone else said - you only have one life, live it! If it doesn’t work, sell the pony, life is too short to live in ‘what ifs’.

I bought my first horse a couple of years ago. Horses had always been a huge part of my life growing up but my parents could never afford to buy me my own.

My partner is completely non-horsey but he’s been so supportive. Why can’t I have my own interests (and same vice Versa for him). Yes it’s a time commitment, but it’s time I would be throwing away elsewhere.

I was originally on part livery but have moved to full livery due to work which has massively helped. I live in the south east and pay £535 for livery, inc feed/bedding. He’s very well looked after, has year round turn out, decent hacking with an outdoor school. With additional costs of a weekly lesson, farrier and insurance taking it to £800. Physio / dentist/ vaccinations/ supplements etc are less regular costs so when they come up I just drop a lesson or two to cover it.

I was speaking to someone the other day who had just moved their horses home as the full livery cost was more than their mortgage, I didn't ask how much but considering their home includes stables and land enough for 3 horses I'd assume not cheap 😆. Agree with pp though who said just go for it, if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. I've given up a lot to buy my DC's pony, every spare penny goes on him but it's worth it for the happiness he's bringing. If the worst came to the worst and I found no longer afford it then I'd have to sell him but atm we are managing

I’m in West Yorkshire and full ranges from £100 a week to well… more than I earn.
The cheaper end though without fail aren’t great, for example
have really cheap food only included. Ie only offer molassed chaff which I don’t feed as it’s full of sugar, only offer (dusty crap) hay, no hayledge, if your on shavings you get one bale a week, the fields are overgrazed (several just don’t offer winter turnout which is frankly in my eyes, neglect), and the schools are crap so freeze solid for two months every winter.
They also have very few staff so everything is a bit rushed.

For a bit more (£700ish) you can get walkers, an indoor, a decent set of jumps, an owner that isn’t a maniac, and most importantly to me enough grazing for the horses they have so it’s adequately managed and they can go out all year round

See for those who are saying "if it doesn't work out then just sell the horse", some of us buy horses for life. I have only ever sold 1 horse and that was because I was pregnant and he was a sharp eventer, but he went to a good friend and is living out his days there. I'm sorry but I don't view a horse as a commodity you buy and then sell if things get tough. Obviously there are situations where things go really wrong and there is absolutely no other option but I don't think it is fair on a horse to buy it with a view that you can just sell it if it turns out that you can't afford it.

Obviously the selling is the absolute last resort but horses realistically are different to dogs and cats. They pretty much always settle well in to new homes with the right care and they needs met, our pony is only 3 years old and the dc will eventually out grow him. I was hoping he'd end up big enough for me but that's looking unlikely so realistically he will eventually end up sold or loaned rather than wasted in a field eating him self on the way to laminitis when still in his prime.

@liveforsummer see I have always had TBs and sports horses who categorically do not like change and don't just settle in to any new home ie probe to developing ulcers if under stress etc. So for me selling these on is a very last resort and would only happen if the roof over my own head or my physical health was under threat.

It's not that horses are a commodity, more that it makes no sense to anyone to keep a horse that you can barely afford and don't have time for.

It's realistic to suggest that people sell if it becomes unsustainable.