Letting go of my horse of a lifetime

[Poniesandgin]

I’ve loved horses all of my life and eventually managed to buy my own around 4 years ago. She was unbroken and I backed her myself. She is now a 9 year old dream, ribbons upon ribbons and took me places I could only have dreamed of. I love and trust her completely and I don’t think I’ll ever find a horse as good.

However, life’s changed. I’ve got a young children, I’ve got dogs, cats, work full time, DH works long hours. I have another hobby I also enjoy but can’t fit in. Financially things are okay but could be improved without the costs of running a horse, I've moved my horse to the cheapest livery I could find but still there isn’t much money left for competing or lessons etc. We have not been on holiday since 2012 due to financial reasons.
I had to sell my horsebox so have no way of competing, I am hacking a few times a week but it’s so dull. I don’t enjoy hacking, competing is my thing but due to financial and time reasons I can no longer entertain it.

Time wise every morning I am rushing to turn out, muck out, walk dogs, get DS to school, walk dogs and then get to work.

To make things worse we are moving to a new house. It’s much bigger and has a huge garden but it needs a lot of work which will be expensive and time consuming.

So I’ve come to the conclusion loaning her out is best, or maybe even selling I don’t know. I’ve got someone interested but I literally feel bereaved at the thought of her going even though I know I can’t keep a horse in a field eating grass for the next 5 years. It would be such a waste of a beautiful horse and I want to see her out there being loved and enjoyed. I can’t even look at photos of her without feeling upset.

I know the horse won’t care, she will be fine after a few weeks as horses generally are but I’m not sure I will be. I’m hoping the spare time and money will make me reevaluate things even if it’s just while my children are so young.

Has anyone else given up. Please tell me it will feel better one day

Why not loan her out and keep one day a week to hack?

I can’t find anyone to loan her at home. I’ve tried for months and months but I’ve found the perfect home an hour away. It’s someone I know who has many references and couldn’t be more perfect for her. I’m just finding it so hard to let go!

I cou don't sell my horse and kept her forever which is why I don't have another one .. she lived a good life !!
C hi

Sorry my cat head butted my phone !!

Could you sell on the proviso you can have her back if she can't be cared for properly ? Or just loan her to them ? If you don't need the money then I'd do that ..

The people are happy to loan her. I’m not a sure I’ll ever be in a position to take her back, maybe in a couple of years but not soon

But it would help your conscience if you have first refusal ?

If you feel that strongly about her then just loan her out , that relieves the immediate financial burden whilst you still maintain an element of control . I’ve never sold anything , or loaned them actually , to us they are like family pets .

She is my pet floral but my family are not ‘horsey’ at all so I’m using family money on a non family hobby.
The dogs are family pets, but she is my horse and nobody else has any interest sadly!!

You have to bear in mind that a loan can be returned at any time, and is especially likely to come back in the future when she’s old and likely to be even more costly and time consuming. (have had it happen) I’d sell her to a wonderful home and know that someone is loving her and having as much fun with her as you did.

Nooooo .... don't let your beautiful horse go, OP. You love her too much and it will break your heart.

Somehow, you need to get another horsebox and start competing again.

Are there some things in your life you could cut out in order to free up a bit of money and time (I can think of an obvious one, but I daren't say it in case everyone sends me rude messages!)

The family I have in mind wanted LWVTB so that’s an option.

At the moment I have been really enjoying doing some agility and other obedience work with my dog. I’m enjoying this more than riding. I love spending time with her and teaching her things so riding has become the second hobby now. Plus the dog(s) come and live with us so it’s easier to fit around small children.

I love my horse because she’s my horse but I don’t want a horse at all, if that makes any sort of sense.

I would love to keep her to old age but she’s 9- that could be 20 more years of a hobby I no longer have the time or finances for I wish I had some land and could chuck her away but that’s not an option and never will be.

I completely understand. I’d go with the LWVTB but make it six months loan, or at least over the summer, so you can be really sure you don’t miss it.

I understand your POV. My competition mare is retired, my husband’s is semi retired and I’ve lost the drive without the competing. There is nothing wrong with selling a horse on to a good home and having a breather from horses.

It’s so hard without the competing Honey, schooling seems pointless when I’m not putting it to good use. Lessons again seem a waste of money.
Hacking I don’t really enjoy. I do hack but I’m a nervous hacker and it’s not my first love.

In an ideal world I would keep her, buy a new horsebox so I can take her everywhere and pay someone to look after her so I can take children to school, clubs and activities without guilt but money wise this isn’t feasible!

Even the logistics of competing have become too hard. Firstly the money, I can’t justify £100 entries etc when I could spend that on a family day out etc. Then there’s the day before bathing and packing the lorry and then the full day itself away meanwhile DH and the DC are home alone all weekend wondering where I have disappeared too.

It’s just not family time. I can justify me time a few times a week for a hack but I can’t do it properly and do the things I enjoy to do with her!

If you loan her out to a good home you can always have her back later if you have more time and money. I loaned out my mare when I was in my late 20s. I wasn’t able to ride her and felt she was wasted with me. She spent 14 years in a fantastic loan home, came back to me to retire and had a beautiful filly foal. Her foal grew up to became my DCs pony club horse and is now in foal herself to a SJ stallion. If all goes to plan, the new foal will be my retirement project.

I wasn’t criticising I was just saying that’s how we see them , when I say we I mean myself and my sister , my husband and children have no interest in horses at all - both of my dc gave up riding by age 6 , which is why we have a 27 yr old pony currently on full livery who has been retired for years .

It sounds like you have made the decision and its the right one for you at this time - you shouldn't feel guilty, it sounds like you are doing this for very unselfish reasons so you can give more of your time, energy and money to the family which is very creditable. It's very common for this to happen when you have a young family, the drive/desire to ride can just go completely, often it comes back when the children are teenagers but I think you are right that it is just too much to have horse sitting around waiting til then.

I'd look into ways you can still occasionally get some horse-y 'me time' without the commitment of ownership - I know most people are very snotty about riding schools for adults who can already ride well, and its true that there are some rubbish ones out there but if you can find a good one it can be a great sociable experience with minimal commitment/maximum flexibility. Of course a good one with nice horses and high quality teaching (proper coaching, not 'trot around as a ride') will charge ££££ and you might have to go a bit further from home, but still, a couple of good lessons a month would give you a fix and be much much less than what you are paying now. If they offer hacking, so much the better. Other things to consider, perhaps when the DC are a bit older would be riding weekends/holidays, you can find ones in great UK locations as well as around the world...

Opposite point of view to others on here. I had a horse in my teens and early twenties and competed all the time. I kept my horse when I no longer had the time or money for him. Having a horse when you have time and money to compete is nothing like having one when you are restricted by finances and children. I really regretted keeping him to be honest. He was always cared for but none of my family were interested so he had the bare minimum of my time and attention for years. If I had sold him he could have carried on competing with someone who would have pampered him. By the time I could have competed again he was too old and so I kept him for several more years retired. I dread to think how much I spent in total over those years, with no benefit to him, my family or me.

@Myshinynewname I think I would be keeping mine out of guilt and out of the fear of being horseless. Maybe the fear that something bad will happen to her or that people will think I quit and got rid of my much loved pet because I couldn’t be bothered.
Maube I’m worried I will have regrets when I see others out winning and wish it would be me.
My horse is lovely, I got lucky. I couldn’t afford a horse like her for a very long time once she’s gone and I know this. However, I have a beautiful seriously competitive horse and can’t compete her

It’s such an expensive pet to keep though.

I think clearly she is not a horse of a lifetime otherwise you would not be considering getting rid of her.

@frankie246 I think that’s a bit harsh.
She is literally my perfect horse. I have never wanted to ride or own anything else. I absoloutley adore her. Once she’s gone I don’t think ill ever want to ride again because it isn’t her.

But what do I do, keep an amazing horse in a field for the next 5 years while I sort my life out and waste her best years?

Sometimes the right thing to do is to let go of something you love. It sounds as though you are looking at doing this in a responsible way and whilst you will always love her and always miss her. If you are happy with how they are looking after her and the loan does progress to a sale then you can still keep in touch and hear about how she is doing. As others have said, you could reserve the option of taking her back if things change for the new owners in the future and they want to sell her. It's heartbreaking but sounds as though you are doing the responsible thing which is not always the easiest choice emotionally.

I totally get what you mean OP. I lost my horse of a lifetime when I was 7 months pregnant with my first child. Field accident. It was absolutely horrific. But with hindsight, there's no way I would have managed him and a child, now 2 children. I was left with a pony and a cob and they were a struggle despite being much easier than my horse to care for.

A word of warning about loaning though, my cob went on loan, did amazingly well, had a "home for life". Stayed 3 years then came back out of the blue with 2 weeks notice.

Its a very difficult decision and you are sensible to be aware of how long they live. Mine died of old age 5 years ago, didn't know her exact age but likely to be between 30 and 35. I'd only owned her for 5 years and I took her on knowing I have to face the end with her but she was an amazing horse perfectly suited to what I wanted to do, hacking out alone on something bombproof but not a dobbin. I have only ridden my SIL horse a couple of times since she died, I've just no interest. I was like that when I had to sell my pony in my late teens.
If I had her now I'd struggle with a small child and feel guilty for not giving her enough time. In the first year after DS was born I found the livestock a chore rather than a pleasure but they take significantly less time, they are a family thing. Horses are not pets in the same sense as dogs and cats. Take your time with the decision and a loan with view to a sale is a very sensible suggestion.

Blimey. I feel so weird reading threads like this. I literally can't imagine selling any horse of mine, let alone one as perfect as you describe. DHorse is part of me.

@puppymouse maybe you have more money than us!
I don’t know if it’s fair to my children to say no holidays/day trips/activities/after school clubs/school trips because mummy has a horse