Letting go of my horse of a lifetime

[Poniesandgin]

I’ve loved horses all of my life and eventually managed to buy my own around 4 years ago. She was unbroken and I backed her myself. She is now a 9 year old dream, ribbons upon ribbons and took me places I could only have dreamed of. I love and trust her completely and I don’t think I’ll ever find a horse as good.

However, life’s changed. I’ve got a young children, I’ve got dogs, cats, work full time, DH works long hours. I have another hobby I also enjoy but can’t fit in. Financially things are okay but could be improved without the costs of running a horse, I've moved my horse to the cheapest livery I could find but still there isn’t much money left for competing or lessons etc. We have not been on holiday since 2012 due to financial reasons.
I had to sell my horsebox so have no way of competing, I am hacking a few times a week but it’s so dull. I don’t enjoy hacking, competing is my thing but due to financial and time reasons I can no longer entertain it.

Time wise every morning I am rushing to turn out, muck out, walk dogs, get DS to school, walk dogs and then get to work.

To make things worse we are moving to a new house. It’s much bigger and has a huge garden but it needs a lot of work which will be expensive and time consuming.

So I’ve come to the conclusion loaning her out is best, or maybe even selling I don’t know. I’ve got someone interested but I literally feel bereaved at the thought of her going even though I know I can’t keep a horse in a field eating grass for the next 5 years. It would be such a waste of a beautiful horse and I want to see her out there being loved and enjoyed. I can’t even look at photos of her without feeling upset.

I know the horse won’t care, she will be fine after a few weeks as horses generally are but I’m not sure I will be. I’m hoping the spare time and money will make me reevaluate things even if it’s just while my children are so young.

Has anyone else given up. Please tell me it will feel better one day

No I think I'm just maybe obsessed and more selfish to be honest.

@Poniesandgin it's so hard. My horse of a lifetime was very elderly when I lost him, and when I had children, so I wasn't missing out of the riding aspect. These days, I'd love to have a horse to hack out on. Instead I have 2 small ponies (one I've had for 20 years) and a too small cob that won't hack alone. I'm single, and work part time, and have 2 small children. It's tough. I'll be trying to loan the cob, but then he's really not anything like my horse of a lifetime, and i have no reservations about it orher than he's difficult. I feel responsibility for him though so would never sell him. He'd be passed from pillar to post I'm sure.

I think , with my sensible head on, I'd loan your horse to the other people on a 12 month contract. See how you feel. After the initial shock you might be pleasantly relieved.

I gave up when my horse was PTS. I'd struggled on since I'd had my daughter, couldn't spare the time to train properly, didn't have the money to compete any more. Tbh I wasn't enjoying it most of the time. Although I loved her and loved spending time with her I had ridden to compete before and pottering out on hacks wasn't what I enjoyed.

I was stuck in a very well paid job that I hated because I needed to pay for my horse, and the stress was making me ill. So when she had to be PTS I stopped.

And now... I have a lower paid, lower stress job that doesn't make me ill, in an environment without office bullying on a daily basis. I have time for other hobbies. I don't actually have any other hobbies, because I've not found anything that works to replace riding. I miss my horse for herself, and I miss training and competing, but I don't miss riding and giving up was the right thing to do at the time.

Sometimes you have to accept that something as demanding as horse ownership no longer fits in your life, and then it's fair to a much loved horse to find them a home where they will be the priority they no longer can be for you. LWVTB gives you the opportunity to check that she will be looked after and loved as you want before you finally let go.

I’m not sure I can go through with it

The family who want her are lovely but I honestly feel heartbroken. I’ve cried most of the day about it. She was foot perfect for them, as she always is and they want to have her.

DH says keep her. Realistically she is only going to be lightly hacked for the next few years, is this enough??
Will she care that she’s wasted? Not shown or competed? Will she forget all of the competition training I’ve done in the past few years if we don’t use it?

Is two children and a horse managable, I know the horse will take a back seat and already has to a massive extent but can I really keep such a fantastic horse to just hack/school with no aims at all or is this selfish?

I’d loan her out. Not LWVTB. In 6 months you’ll either be desperate for her back (having saved a lot on livery etc!) or you’ll be ‘yep, that was the right decision.

It’ll give you some breathing space. Certainly don’t sell if you’re not sure.

If you do keep her though, don’t be worried about wasting her. A loved and looked after horse is never a waste. She doesn’t care if she’s competed (or even ridden) or not.

And don’t listen to people trying to guilt trip you. This is real life, and not everyone has £500 down the back of the sofa.

I thought about selling mine when she was 12. I cried too! I didn’t. She’s still here a decade later. She doesn’t care that she hasn’t competed. She’s had a lovely easy life with her friends in the same home for a long time. I once had a lesson with a pro who wanted to buy my mare. I dithered because she’d have gone a lot further with him than me. He was very kind and said she’d have a much better life with me. He was probably right.

Horses don’t care whether they compete or whether they wander round the lanes for 30 minutes , they are interested in being in a field and eating ! Perhaps you could look for a sharer for her , gives you a small financial and workload break . One of ours ( my horse of a lifetime) retired at 17 for a variety of reasons ( not lameness) , she was perfectly happy just being looked after and eventually had to be pts aged 27 .

OP - your horse won't give a flying fuck if she's ridden or not! We have six wandering round and they get ridden once in a blue moon and do they care? Not a bit of it! Look for a sharer to help with the chores and relax. A horse of a lifetime is a gift. Treasure it.

I’ve looked into turning her out over summer but she needs to be in during winter as she looses condition and also gets severe mud fever/rain scald so needs to be dried off as much as possible. I usually use stable boots.
Financially I can afford this but not the Horsebox, lessons, competing etc etc.
Not for a long time anyway.
It would literally be keeping her to stroke her and occasionally hack or school.

The lady viewing brought her instructor who was saying things like she’s so wasted and if she was fitter she would be competing at a very high level which has made me feel even worse!

She’s very happy and settled on the yard, perhaps a part loan would be easier. I have people fighting to borrow her but obviously financially this isn’t helping me.

The lady who viewed wants to move her. Part of me thinks maybe a loan and see where I am in a few months couldn’t hurt except the horse gets very unsettled moving and does not fit into herds very easily so may get a hard time if she comes back and also when she goes. Also, my yard has been a nightmare to get on. I was on the waiting list for years and I’m not exaggerating. If I give up my stable I won’t have anywhere to go other than to one of the worse yards which may just make things even worse! Then again if I didn’t want her back this would be a non issue.

It’s so hard!

@Sarahlou63 she’s that one horse that you feel completely safe on. People have offered me others but they are not a patch on her. I would literally hack her over the motorway and know I would be okay.

Can I really just do nothing st all with her for years though, it feels really wrong! Going against everything that I see day in and out on Facebook etc. It’s usually constant training, schooling, riding and mines going to eat and eat.

A few people have said to have a foal but I don’t know a thing about breeding!

@Poniesandgin. Yes, you can. You just need to challenge your mindset, thats all . A horse that is cared for and loved is NEVER wasted. Spend time in the field or stable with her, read a book while she's grazing, take her for walks in hand and make a connection with her as a friend.

Put it this way - you have a dog. If you don't take to shows, obedience classes, sheep dog trials or use it as guard dog/service dog, etc is it any less loved for not working??

I wouldn’t breed. You’d just end up with another horse that you didn’t have time for.

My sister bought a beautiful young Irish horse a few years ago with a few to bringing him on and competing on him. Was going really well till he fucked his leg up in an accident last year. He’s had thousands of pounds of treatment and the vet has basically just said that’s it, he’s not sound and he never will be. She’s gutted but has resigned herself to hacking him out and never competing on him. I don’t think she really wanted an expensive pet, she wanted to compete but she can’t get rid of him. She’s got the land and the money to do that though. If you think you can manage to keep her as a hack then do, she’s your horse and it doesn’t matter what other people think. Although if the other people are only an hour away could you visit at weekends and help exercise her?

What about a sharer as a pp suggested? I've been looking to share a horse recently and most people seem to offer the sharer about 3 days a week, plus a small contribution to keep.

That would mean you only having to do all the care 4 days a week, so more time with your family.
The extra money would help a bit - not much I know, compared with the cost of a horse, but better than nothing!

If you got a good sharer, and I appreciate it could take some time to find the right one, s/he might even want to compete too? You don't say what type of competing you do, and obviously it wouldn't work for something like eventing, but for showing or dressage where it's normal to do more than one class, you could do a class each and share transport costs? Or is there someone on your yard with a trailer who would give you a lift?

Also the sharer would be helping to keep your horse fit, so if you haven't got the time to ride on 'your' days it wouldn't matter as much.

Of course the horse won't care if she is just kept as a hack and doesn't compete or do much, she'd probably love it! But in your earlier post you said you don't like hacking and really only want to compete? Ultimately it's about you and what you want here, horse is likely to be fine either way (ignore guilt tripping posts!) so long as she is in a good home and well looked after which she would be of course.

A sharer might be a good solution to the money worry, down south anyway it's totally normal for the sharer to pay a significant contribution, anything from the cost of a set of shoes every 6 weeks to half the livery bill, depending on how many days they ride and whether they have to do any stable chores in that time. If she's a proper competition horse and on a yard with good facilities you should find someone very willing to pay (round here people charge £300-£400 a month for a lunatic the owner doesn't want to ride, oh and you have to muck out 3 days a week, never mind a saint of a competition horse on livery, sounds a dream to me!). And as GymSloth says, could be a way to share costs of competing too although there's no getting around the fact going out for a days competition is still a substantial chunk of time away from the family, and having a sharer won't solve the problem of whether you actually want to ride or not... I still think I might send her off for 6 months loan on the strict understanding with loaners you haven't made your mind up yet and see how you feel. If the desire comes back then have her back, if not and it's just a relief/weight off your mind then she'll be settled already in new home?

Definitely whatever you do, do not have a foal, why oh why do 'helpful' people on livery yards keep suggesting this for mares people don't know what to do with or don't have a job for, in a year or so you just end up with 2 horses you still don't know what to do with (and one is now out of work and unfit, the other an uneducated baby!) - what are you meant to do then - breed again and again until you have so many horses the RSPCA helpfully remove a few?

Thanks everybody.
Still no decision made. The potential loan home is being very understanding and is happy to wait a few days while I think.

DH and I have discussed it and keeping her as a happy hacker is financially possible. It’s just whether she’s wasted in that and whether I can enjoy it!

I even wrote a pros and cons list which very much leaned towards her going, but then I go to the yard and all is in the air again.

Horses, nothing is ever simple

I’d definitely consider getting a sharer - if you’d be happy for a sharer to have lessons and compete on her then you’d have your hand bitten off by any number of very competent teenagers around here (south east). It would keep her ticking over, plus ease any financial worries and would also mean that you wouldn’t have to say goodbye for now

I would sell her, or continue with this LwVTB @Poniesandgin
If your main love is completing and you can’t then you are not going to be satisfied with the odd hack, it will cost you literally thousands of pounds over the next 15-20 years she lives for whilst you remain dissatisfied. She will be fine in anew home, horses are sold and moved on, and as you have found a decent home for her you don’t need to worry. If you end up really regretting it then you can always get her back, or get another but from your posts I don’t think you will. Your life is really busy.

How many times have you hacked out this week?

@Rosieposy4 my husband is the main person telling me not to sell which is confusing matters. He keeps saying wait and see Wait and see if I get motivation perhaps or if I suddenly love hacking or get more time? He seems to think things will get better and this is just a blip.
He is 100% non horsey though he doesn’t get it. He just knows I was desperate for the horse and that I do love her.

@Honeyroar I’ve ridden 0 times this week as I’ve not had any motivation since the loaners viewed her
I usually manage one hack and maybe 2 little schooling sessions. She is due to go out for summer next week so I would have 3-4 months off at least.

Sorry he is telling me not to loan or sell that should read!

I had horses my whole life , bought my absolute dream horse after years of difficult horses. Had this mare 6 months then discovered I was pregnant, absolutely gutted as she had just stared really shining. I stopped riding her and my friend took over. In the 9 months I was pregnant she progressed very quickly from novice to medium and won ever BD class she entered. I had my baby and got back on and it was delightful, but then reality set in, the cost of full livery, a baby and trying to find time to ride, it just wasn't working . I reluctantly sold her to my sister who then went on and excelled at BE with her. I thought I'd be jealous but I wasn't , to be honest after a few months I didn't really care and no longer miss horses at all and have no interest in them. I hardly visit the horse even though I'm at my sisters seeing her, just not interested. Being a mum just took over and that door has closed on my life.

Also I wouldn't loan it, I would sell. Loaning just bring nothing but hassles and you will end up with a broken horse dumped back on you when you least expect it

Just cut your losses and sell.

I would keep your beloved animal. Is there absolutely no way to economise and do even the occasional competition? Your husband is backing you in keeping her and I think that's significant. What is spent on hobbies for the rest of the family?

If you sell her you can't expect first refusal if the buyers want to sell her on. I see so many posts from people looking for their old horse, but sold is sold and buyers can do what they want after that.