Ok, I won't keep doing this and clogging up the thread, but so many good suggestions.. here's an updated version of the Duke and Duchess of Discrepancy and Deceit.
Kate is the sister I never had.
She is carefree, sweet and kind.
Kate is cold. She makes the wrong face when lending a lipgloss.
They didn’t marry for love like we did.
And they made me dress as a Nazi.
We want Westminster Abbey. St Paul’s then.
This chapel is too musty.
What Meghan wants, Meghan gets.
She absolutely must have this particular tiara.
We didn’t want the big wedding.
We didn’t care about the spectacle.
We actually got married three days before.
It was just like when Mandela was released.
It would be impossible for the children to go to school in the UK without getting papped.
There are no tabloids in the USA.
The car chase in gridlocked Manhattan was near catastrophic.
I was the face of the Royal Family.
A courtier told me the Queen Mother had died.
My father cut me off.
He was old when he became a father, unlike me.
He never took us for bike rides.
He never hugged me.
My brother is alarmingly bald.
We stayed in a housing unit, aka the High Commissioner’s mansion.
It nearly burnt down.
That historic building designed by Sir Christopher Wren is a shitty old frat house.
Our faces were all over the magazines in the Kensington Whole Foods Shop.
I was actively pursued down Kensington High Street.
My father, who can’t speak to me about my legal action against his government, won’t speak to me about my legal action against his government.
Nobody told me I might not win this case.
It’s not technically stealing if you already have a reputation for taking stuff that doesn’t belong to you, and bullying people who stand up to you.
I post links to my outfits because otherwise the wrong designer might be credited. It’s just another example of my thoughtfulness. Yes I do get commission, what’s that got to do with anything?
Nobody asks how I am.
Posting photos of children online is harmful.
Mama’s little helper.
Aww look at Archie in the bath.
Kids - I know you’re seriously ill, but get in the photo will you - these clothes won’t sell themselves.
Jam is my jam.
I just prefer to hold the tongs upside down.
Balmoral is too far for baby Archie to travel.
Yes thanks, we had a lovely time in Ibiza.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
I’m in my era of joy.
This has been the worst 7 years of my life.
Bullying is wrong.
It’s not my job to coddle people.
We don’t want Archie to have a title.
They wouldn’t give Archie a title because he was too brown.
That’s why he can’t have security.
We graciously accept this award for tackling racism in the RF.
We never said they were racist.
They don’t understand racism and unconscious bias like I do.
Don’t worry, she’s not black or anything.
We had nothing to do with that book.
We need to make sure nobody knows we’re helping with the book.
I forgot I helped with the book.
I am a foodie.
Here, have a pancake made from a packet mix.
Just pick the pot pourri out of the fake cream if you don't fancy it.
I have never been friends with journalists.
Miss our movie snuggles!!! xxx xxx xxx
Silence is complicit.
Andrew who?
African Parks, errr what now?
I had a medical team at the Portland.
My husband led a mental health initiative and had been in therapy himself for years.
But the RF HR dept would not care for me when I had a mental health crisis.
So there was no way for me to get help.
Nobody has ever loved anyone like my husband loves me.
MEGHAN STOP CRYING AND GET DRESSED FFS, WE’RE GOING TO THE ALBERT HALL!
I am an entrepreneur, a female founder, whip smart and laser focused on the detail.
Even my blood group is A+.
Those candles are not meant to have wicks, actually.
And I never liked the name American Riviera Orchard anyway, too limiting.
Thank goodness Netflix are no longer holding me back.
We are feminists.
Kate has baby brain.
My stepmother is a dangerous villain.
Rebekah Wade is a loathsome toad and an infected pustule on the arse of humanity.
Harry leads the way with compassion.
Pat wasn’t hot.
Pat was small, mousy, frazzled and her hair fell greasily into her always tired eyes.
How we laughed at her disability, great larks.
We like to show up and do good.
Yes, we will be bringing our own photographer.
Please ensure everyone present has signed this NDA.
Hmm, which photo of me with the bereaved parents looks best? I kinda like my hair in that one.
I had the best father in the world.
Ugh, leaking a letter that I was hoping would be leaked, what a breach of privacy, I’ll never speak to him again.
Hey don’t forget to tell the world that your brother is circumcised.
They wouldn’t let me wear colour, I had to wear beige.
They didn’t want me to get all the attention.
Apart from that red dress. And the bright blue one. And the green. And the yellow. And the purple one with the red coat.
OK, I wore more colour then than I do now.
They took my keys, my driving licence and my passport.
I couldn’t escape, I was a prisoner.
Apart from when I drove around or went overseas.
We must save the magnificent wildlife of our planet.
Excuse me for a moment while I shoot that water buffalo and have my photo taken with its carcass.
Everyone must do more to combat climate change.
We need to borrow a private jet again.
These poor veterans need help and support.
I have PTSD because my dad never mentioned me in his speech.
Let’s celebrate their bravery and service.
Well obviously I should lead the parade, I wore my playsuit and flip flops especially.
We can’t visit the UK because it’s too dangerous.
Look at us though, while we twat about in Colombia / Nigeria / Ukraine.
Oh, and here I am blundering around the ring doorbells of West London.
Hey, what about me - I’m standing on a roundabout in Geneva.
Saveloy and chips please, just deliver it to this random address, ta.
And here’s a photo showing where Archie plays football.
Hang on a mo, I’m busy enraging a terrorist organisation with my crassness.
I’m about to be a Dior brand ambassador.
I’m best pals with that guy from Balenciaga, I forget his name.
No, I didn’t know anything about the Royal Family and had never heard of Harry.
Here’s a photo of me outside Buckingham Palace when I was a child.
Yes, I’ve been friends with Eugenie for years.
Is that man the Queen’s secretary?
I was born to serve.
I have served my country for 41 years.
We will continue to honour our duty to The Queen, the Commonwealth, and our patronages.
I always hated being a working royal because they made me go to Nepal when I was tired.
I had to take a freedom flight to escape.
And then the whole plane clapped and cheered.
This is the life my mother would have wanted for me, freedom!
I am still a working royal. And I enjoy doing it.
My husband is a fox.
Just call me Harry.
From your friend, HRH The Duchess of Sussex.