My cat is horrible, please place your bets

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Christmas tree has just gone up. My cat is notoriously a dickhead. Please place your bets on how long it takes him to deface it. Answer in days, hours or minutes. Or even seconds if you have zero optimism, like me.

For extra points, please choose how he will deface the tree. Options include (but are not limited to) a) scaling the entire thing and pulling it down. b) pissing all over it in dirty protest. c) attacking the baubles at every opportunity. d) showing his displeasure by increasing his torment on us tenfold so we have to take it down ourselves.

Also accepting tips on how to stop my cat being a dickhead this festive season.

Picture of dickhead included

I took love that your cat is called Alan. It's somehow the perfect cat name.

My cat's first Christmas here too. She has ignored the tree so far, but it only went up today. She is such a calm and docile cat (and utterly perfect in all ways) , I am not expecting carnage, but she may surprise me....

I have 5 cats. With the first two, we had a tree and it was fine - we surrounded it with tin foil and they stayed away, The following year we had our two youngsters and didn't even try - instead we strung fairylights in a double zigzag across the living room and hung the ornaments from those, and that has been the arrangement ever since. Our fifth is a loon, he definitely wouldn't be trustworthy around a tree.