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Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

My cat died and I can’t move on

70 replies

messymaple · 10/12/2024 21:36

My cat had to be PTS 4 months ago because she had mouth cancer. I wasn’t expecting it and the whole thing was a huge shock because I thought she just had a bad tooth. The vet didn’t realise it was cancer until they did tests and by then the cancer was very advanced. I was devastated because I was very emotionally attached to her. She was 12 and I’d had her for two years after her owner passed away. I’ve never connected so much with an animal.

Since the Christmas season has arrived I’m really struggling. She enjoyed sleeping under the Christmas tree, playing with the decorations and we used to get her little presents to ‘open’. I know it’s silly but I keep thinking about how I’m symbolically going into the new year soon without her and I’m kind of leaving her behind. I really really miss her.

I did a lot of things that people suggested would help. Her ashes are in my room next to a photo of her. I’ve planted flowers in the garden in her memory that will bloom in spring. She loved the garden and that will be difficult too, when the nice weather comes and she won’t be here to sit outside with me. I did some online grief counselling with the Blue Cross but didn’t find it very helpful.

I feel like my friends and family are bored of me talking about it now and expect me to move on, especially as I now have a new cat. She is lovely and so sweet but very young and nothing like my old girl. Of course I love her too but it’s not the same.

Just wanted to share because I thought I was doing well with keeping my mind off my sadness but today I was scrolling through photos of her on my phone and burst into tears. The day she died is very traumatic for me because she died in my arms at the vets. It was the worst day, especially as I knew what would happen all day and was just sitting there thinking about it. It took everything in me not to cancel but I knew she was suffering. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

OP posts:
Ohyay · 10/12/2024 21:41

Sending love. She sounds like a wonderful cat and you gave her the best years before she passed.
Maybe invest in some sentimental jewellery or a tattoo and forever keep her close.
X

MollsDolls · 10/12/2024 21:41

I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard. Nobody prepares you for the loss of a pet. I lost my fella a year ago at the end of the month and I'm only just feeling like I'm done mourning. Thinking of you x

CountFucula · 10/12/2024 21:41

Hey I’m really sorry for your loss. I always post on cat threads because I struggled so much when my cat died …and I think people thought I was being silly or there was something else wrong etc but it was just true grief. He died four years ago and I still think of him often, but time really does help. I also found it useful to think of how cats live in the present, that your cat enjoyed a happy life until she died. She had no regret, no grief, just in the moment living which you shared with her. It’s awful when they go. Sounds like you had a lovey bond with her.

edited for a typo x

Pixiedust1234 · 10/12/2024 21:42

I hear you. I still miss my little tabby rescue and I think I always will.

Do you want to post pictures here and tells us more about her character?

KateTrain · 10/12/2024 21:45

Sending love. Sounds like she had a lovely life with you! Be proud of that

tootiredtobeinspired · 10/12/2024 21:50

I'm so sorry about your girl. I lost my girl suddenly in the summer (she was only 5 and died really quickly and unexpectedly so it was a real shock). I still miss her hugely and like you feel especially sad this Christmas. I've lost a few cats over the course of my adult life and each time it hurts a lot and it takes a long time to feel ok again. I think they have such a special place in your life that it leaves a huge hole when they go.
Post here and talk to other cat people, they understand how you feel. Take care.

HappyHolidai · 10/12/2024 21:50

The Blue Cross have a pet bereavement helpline, who you can speak to for understanding support.

aodirjjd · 10/12/2024 21:52

HappyHolidai · 10/12/2024 21:50

The Blue Cross have a pet bereavement helpline, who you can speak to for understanding support.

Edited

Did you read ops post at all?

niadainud · 10/12/2024 21:53

HappyHolidai · 10/12/2024 21:50

The Blue Cross have a pet bereavement helpline, who you can speak to for understanding support.

Edited

Did you actually read the OP??

SallyWD · 10/12/2024 21:54

It's absolutely heartbreaking to lose a pet. I was devastated when we lost my cat. We had such a strong bond.
The thing that helped me the most was thinking about how loved she'd been and what a good life we'd given her. She couldn't have been more loved or pampered and I know how content she was. Try to focus on what a happy existence your cat had.

messymaple · 10/12/2024 21:54

I’m so glad that other people understand. I don’t know many cat people in real life. Cats do leave such a big hole when they’re gone. Here is a photo of her. She was a very small little cat but very tough. She would never let another cat wander into the garden!

My cat died and I can’t move on
OP posts:
aodirjjd · 10/12/2024 21:57

I know how you feel op. I had a similar experience last year when my cat died. I was completely devastated. All I can say is time helps. I didn’t find much else did. I stopped talking about her because I didn’t think anyone understood. I’m so glad I have hundreds of pictures.

i do have another cat now but like yours she’s young and totally different personality and im glad for that as I wouldn’t want a like for like replacement.

AtlasPine · 10/12/2024 21:57

You don’t have to get over it. She has a huge permanent place in your heart. Please, please allow yourself to feel your feelings of grief without any guilt, time limit or restrictions. Of course you miss her. She was yours and you were hers and now she’s gone, and you’re carrying on without her. It’s so hard. Be kind to yourself.

paisley256 · 10/12/2024 21:58

What a gorgeous photo of her. Please know how much you brought to her life and how loved and content she was because of you.

HappyHolidai · 10/12/2024 22:06

niadainud · 10/12/2024 21:53

Did you actually read the OP??

Yes. She said she had done online counselling. I was recommending speaking to real people on the helpline.

Perhaps you weren't aware that the Blue Cross offer a real people talking service.

Cathelptumour · 10/12/2024 22:17

I’m so sorry OP. My childhood cat died when I was in my 20s. I still think about him all the time and I’m in my 40s. My cat now sadly has a brain tumour and I know she will be PTS and I’m very sad. 4 months is no time at all and you’re still grieving. Non pet people probably won’t get it. Take your time. Post here. Be kind to yourself. It will feel easier in time. It’s awful feeling sad but it’s natural, normal and the price we pay for love. She sounds a wonderful cat and one who had a lovely life with you. I’m trying to take comfort now for my own cat that I know I’ve given her a good life.

GiftWrappedSuburbanDreams · 10/12/2024 22:17

@messymaple I'm so sorry, I would be heartbroken too. Reading your post makes me feel so sad. You don't need to get over her, she's special to you and always will be. What was her name? Feel free to talk about her here if you want to, myself and I'm sure others would love to hear any stories or anything about what she was like.
She's a lucky cat to have had someone who loved her so much. Sending love op.💐

Pixiedust1234 · 10/12/2024 22:25

She was a real beauty 😍

I agree with the others. Think of how happy she was with you, how her little tail flicked up when she saw you. You gave her a good life and lots of love and in doing so she snuggled into your heart. Now you get to keep her aways ❤

Compash · 10/12/2024 22:37

What a pretty cat, and you can see from her eyes that she had bags of character... that's a really 'connecting' look she's giving... no wonder you miss her!

No advice, just empathy because we lost our dear boy last summer, only eight years old and mouth cancer out of nowhere - like you, we thought it was a bad tooth, and so did the vet until they did tests... I think it must happen quite often.

I still miss him terribly, but just today I was thinking how glad I am that we were able to end his suffering before it became too much. I'm also glad that, like you, we were there to the end for him. We've added his favourite toy mouse to our Christmas tree decorations with a ribbon around its neck. 🙂

All those sweet memories are lovely things you facilitated in her life, so in time I hope you can take comfort from them. She had a good cat life because of you. ❤️ Your new little one may not be as close now, but she needs you - I'm sure you'll always do your best for her too.

itsmylife7 · 10/12/2024 22:40

messymaple · 10/12/2024 21:54

I’m so glad that other people understand. I don’t know many cat people in real life. Cats do leave such a big hole when they’re gone. Here is a photo of her. She was a very small little cat but very tough. She would never let another cat wander into the garden!

Sending massive hugs OP.

It's such early days for your sad loss.

I can definitely see she was a cat with personality. what cutie.

bluebalou · 10/12/2024 22:49

What a gorgeous cat, lovely colours, she'd have had a great life with you and known she was loved, sending you hugs Flowers

messymaple · 10/12/2024 22:50

Thank you all for your kind words. Sending love to everyone who has also lost a pet. @Cathelptumour I’m sorry your cat has a brain tumour. Sometimes life can be so unfair.

My cat was called Tilly. She was an absolute sweetheart who adored sleeping on everyone’s lap. Even my mum, who isn’t a cat person by any stretch, couldn’t resist her charm. Tilly had an uncanny way of winning people over—she’d always make a beeline for my mum, determined to sit with her. While my mum initially resisted, she eventually allowed Tilly to rest her two front paws on her legs. It became their little compromise, and Tilly never forgot and always sat like that with her 😂

Tilly also had a favourite box (it was huge) which took up most of the kitchen. We meant to recycle it but every time we tried, she’d follow us meowing. So we had an enormous box in the middle of the kitchen for a year and a half, which Tilly always sat inside while waiting for us to prepare her food.

She was so funny. I wish I could have somehow given her more time.

OP posts:
Compash · 10/12/2024 22:53

I love that name, suits her...

Isn't it wonderful that they can be so little but exert their will on us so strongly?! Those stories are really cute and convey what a character she was.

Whiskeyandkittens · 10/12/2024 22:58

Torties are always special 🥰

It's a good few years since I lost my special girl (also to mouth cancer) and for months afterwards something would remind me of her and I'd burst into tears- I promise it does get easier even though you'll never forget her.

Try to remember all the good times and funny stories rather than when she was ill. Sending love your way xx

Ladyswhatlunch · 10/12/2024 23:49

It took me a good 12 months to accept the loss of my dog, the first 6 months were horrendous and then very gradually each day/week it became a little easier to bear. I will never ‘get over’ the loss of her, it’s something that I will carry with me always but it is with more happiness that she was in my life than sadness now. You will get to that point one day in the future even though you cannot imagine it now. It has only been 4 months, it’s still early days, I am very sorry for the loss of your lovely cat, you clearly loved her dearly and you gave her a loving home when she could have ended up living her last years in a rescue centre waiting to be rehomed, I hope you can take some comfort from that Flowers