My cat died and I can’t move on

[messymaple]

My cat had to be PTS 4 months ago because she had mouth cancer. I wasn’t expecting it and the whole thing was a huge shock because I thought she just had a bad tooth. The vet didn’t realise it was cancer until they did tests and by then the cancer was very advanced. I was devastated because I was very emotionally attached to her. She was 12 and I’d had her for two years after her owner passed away. I’ve never connected so much with an animal.

Since the Christmas season has arrived I’m really struggling. She enjoyed sleeping under the Christmas tree, playing with the decorations and we used to get her little presents to ‘open’. I know it’s silly but I keep thinking about how I’m symbolically going into the new year soon without her and I’m kind of leaving her behind. I really really miss her.

I did a lot of things that people suggested would help. Her ashes are in my room next to a photo of her. I’ve planted flowers in the garden in her memory that will bloom in spring. She loved the garden and that will be difficult too, when the nice weather comes and she won’t be here to sit outside with me. I did some online grief counselling with the Blue Cross but didn’t find it very helpful.

I feel like my friends and family are bored of me talking about it now and expect me to move on, especially as I now have a new cat. She is lovely and so sweet but very young and nothing like my old girl. Of course I love her too but it’s not the same.

Just wanted to share because I thought I was doing well with keeping my mind off my sadness but today I was scrolling through photos of her on my phone and burst into tears. The day she died is very traumatic for me because she died in my arms at the vets. It was the worst day, especially as I knew what would happen all day and was just sitting there thinking about it. It took everything in me not to cancel but I knew she was suffering. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

I get it, OP. We had our lovely girl pts in April - she had intestinal lymphoma and it was all very fast and a horrible shock, as really she was “well” other than vomiting. We’d been back and forth to the vets over about six months and because she had never lost weight/been off her food/changed her behaviour they didn’t suspect anything was amiss. She was only ten and we miss her so much. I am finding it really hard not having her bother the Christmas tree! Look how beautiful she was.

We too have a new cat, a lovely little boy who turns two next month. I love him very much, and I think our girl sent him to rescue me. It doesn’t mean I love her less, and I tell him she is watching him when he’s being naughty.

I had the vet do paw prints from our girl and had one tattooed on my arm, with a heart, because I always called her my sweetest little heart. 🤍

It does get better with time, well not better but the grief and pain is more faded

I lost my horse suddenly, she was just found gone. When I got the call my legs went from under me and I remember thinking "I always thought that only happens in books"
Cried that much my teeth hurt which I didn't know was a thing, think I full on howled for 2 days straight and in the end had to go to the doctors who gave me a sedative for a few days

I've lost pets before but the grief from her was more than I could ever imagine and I still can't say her name without tears but it's much less painful now

Basically when life was shit I relied on her and when the worst thing happened I wanted to go to her. Like being homesick with no home to go to

She was a beautiful girl OP and she was very lucky to have you. I'm sat here in tears reading everyone's stories of their beloved pets. Grief really is the price of love.

That's so sweet how Tilly would sit with your mum! And I love how long you kept a box in the kitchen for just for her 😅
We've had many boxes over time which have overstayed their welcome, purely so the cat can snuffle around in it! But we have to cut off the edges that open out, or she headbutts them and always catches her eye on the corners. Silly little thing. 😊
It sounds like Tilly had a lovely personality. I love hearing about their little ways, keep talking about her if you need to op, and everyone else who's lost their lovely cats too.

I'm so sorry OP. They really do touch our souls and it's quite normal to feel like this. I haven't been without a cat for 40 years and I still well up when thinking about the loss of my original cats.
The loss of my Bluebell during covid at 21 years old was particularly tough, she had been with me through thick and thin.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal and hopefully one day you will be able to look back with happiness not sorrow. She knows she was very much loved.

Sending you lots of love op. I lost my ginger boy at 8 years old he just dropped dead in front of me, the vet said it was most likely from a stroke. Like you op I was absolutely distraught. I couldn't go to work for over a week and cried everyday for several months, the emotional pain I felt was overwhelming. Nothing you can do will get rid of the pain, grief just has to run it course, it's part of life. Time is a great healer, a cliche I know but it true. We finally decided we were ready to love another cat and brought home two kittens who are siblings. There were times where I felt overwhelmed with guilt at enjoying new kittens but they helped with the healing process and I can look back and know with certainty that I gave my gingerboy the best life he could ever of had. I still talk about him and we have his photos up all over the house but the two kitties we have now have healed the hole in my heart.

It’s lovely to hear stories of how much everyone loved their pets and to see the photos of them 💕 it’s so hard when we lose them.

Another funny thing about Tilly was that she was obsessed with McDonald’s. She was very food motivated and could smell it the moment it came through the door. If we ever brought one home, she’d often try to share. I remember once taking a bite out of a cheeseburger only to see her attempting to eat it from the other side 😂 the week she died, she was very ill but still had good days when she wanted to eat even when it was hard for her. We bought a plain McDonald’s hamburger just for her. She really enjoyed it.

Pic of her with her head in my McFlurry for illustrative purposes.

Sending you much love and letting you know I understand. I lost my 2 year old cat to a heart attack last year near Christmas and it was such a shock. Really traumatic and heartbreaking and I felt exactly the same about the new year marking a leaving him behind. It's so hard.

I just want you to know that there will be brighter days. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, have faith that it will come. Look after yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. A relationship with a pet is a deep, loving and special relationship and we can love them as much, and sometime more, than humans love each other.

My grief eventually turned into thinking about the good times and being grateful for his short and beautiful life.

Be good to yourself. Allow yourself to cry but also to laugh and smile if you feel like it.

Much love

Gorgeous sweetheart ♥️ she looked very special

Aw I love this!

Just to add I did get another cat 2 months later. It wasn't a replacement, it was a new start and it really helped me knowing I could give love to another cat and I genuinely feel like my old cat would be looking at us and approving ♥️

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP! Tilly was such a pretty little girl and she sounds like a clever cat, too.

Losing our furry friends is so terribly heartbreaking, I know. I've had quite a few cats in my lifetime (I'm a major feline fanatic!), but one in particular stole my heart for good. His name was Arnie and he was a seal point ragdoll. I had him from when he was 12 weeks old until he died from kidney failure at 15 years old. He was a cheeky, mischievous, chatty, snuggly and sometimes infuriating cat who had me wrapped around his little paw from day one. Like you and Tilly, he died in my arms and absolutely broke my heart in two - that was around 12 years ago and I still miss him every day (my eyes are filled with tears now even just writing about him).

Your new kitty will help to heal your heart, in time. But you'll probably never have another cat like Tilly. I've had several cats since Arnie died (I currently have three) and, while I love them all to death, there will never be another Arnie!

All the best to you. ❤️

These stories are heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time! Tilly sounds very special OP, you can tell by your pictures, torties are just wonderful. We have one but she is about twice the size! I’m feeling bad now because I shouted (only a bit!) at our cats this morning, one of them had vomited on our brand new beige sofa overnight and they’ve been pulling clumps out of our brand new rug since we got it (don’t know why I thought they wouldn’t!) so I’m going to go home and give them big cuddles and apologise. They are almost 16 & 17 now, we are so lucky to have had them for so long. I wish all of you could have had more time with your precious cats.

Every time we have a BBQ in the garden I think of Marcus my cat who used to beg for meat from the BBQ. I used to cut him up a bit of steak or pork chop as they cooled. I've got 2 other cats but they don't seem to do this. I've also got one of those large photo frames with cut outs on. I put lots of photos of my cats in there and I put the frame in the hall. It's the first thing I see when I walk in the door. Just like Marcus used to come to the door to greet me every day.

I struggled when we had our 18 year old cat PTS 2 years ago. It was so so hard. Pets are the best!
Now I am struggling after burying my 21 year old daughter two weeks ago.
Grief sucks.

I love this and love that you got her a hamburger! 😄It must have made her feel a bit better. My cat enjoys the cheese and strawberry milkshakes from McDonald's. 😆Loving the stories and photos.

Oh this is awful, I'm so so sorry. 💐

I’m so sorry 💕💐

So sorry about your loss. Tilly was beautiful and she sounds like a very special girl.

I lost my own soulmate cat to mouth cancer also, four years ago. He had been my baby for 8 years, he slept on my bed, he followed me around, he spent hours on my lap, I've never had a closer bond with any animal. I thought I'd have him well into his teens, he was a big robust cat.

We noticed him drooling one day and thought he had an abscess, but the vets did a biopsy and told us it was cancer. He was put to sleep two months later. This was during the first covid lockdown and we couldn't be with him. For those two months I had hand fed him, given him him pain relief and cuddled him constantly but when I saw he was struggling I let him go.

He is buried at the bottom of our garden and for months I would sit there and cry and talk to him. I have a framed photo of him in the living room and I still say to him "love you baby, miss you". We still have his sister but she's more bonded to my husband so although I love her, it isn't quite the same.

So I know exactly how you feel. Nothing makes it any easier, not even time. I still cry for him now. I think you just have to remind yourself that you were lucky to have such a special bond because a lot of people never experience that.

Spring flowers for Tilly sounds lovely.

🌺🌼🌷

It's taken me a very very long time to be able to think of my first kitty without crying. It was a traumatic death (RTA, rushed to the vets with her critical, they couldn't save her). My husband had to scrub the road outside our house because of the huge puddle of blood was so distressing.

For a long time I cried every day and then less often but when I thought I'd get it was still so raw. I didn't really move on until my next cat died (car, about 5m away from where my first cat died) and it was awful but I coped better and somehow it made me feel more able to look back happily at my first cat.

I feel incredibly sad now thinking of her. She was only 2 and had amazing personality. We'd had her from a kitten and she turned me from a reluctant cat owner to a crazy cat lady.

@TourmaletAndCoubous That’s exactly how it was with Tilly. It started with drooling and I thought it was just an infection because she’d had trouble with her teeth before.The vet even said that and gave her antibiotics. I was shocked when they found cancer. And also in denial for a few days. I typed the whole biopsy report into Chat GTP to make sense of the medical language and when it came back in plain words, I realised how fast the cancer was growing and how little time she had left. I cried and cried.

I also felt a sense of guilt because we chose to euthanise instead of let her carry on in pain. In the vet’s room she was clinging to the inside of the carrier when they lifted her out. They sedated her before while she was in my arms and I felt her flinch as she got the injection. It’s little things like that and I still feel bad when I think of that day. I’m glad I was with her but I also feel haunted by the whole thing, if that’s makes sense.

I know it’s mad but I even watched some free live medium spirit readings hoping she might come through and say she’s ok, or that a relative of mine might come through and say she’s with them and happy. I don’t even fully believe in mediums but I think grief does funny things. Spoiler alert, nobody came through.

@Babyboomtastic That’s awful and must have been so traumatic. Sending love to you. People drive too fast nowadays.

I know you aren't ready to think about getting another cat but you are obviously a very loving cat mum. Would you think about fostering for a local rescue? If you tried it and it was too much you could hand the cat back but even a couple of weeks means the world to some cats.

I lost my little Captain Ruby many years ago. It broke me and as you say people quickly get fed up of hearing about it. This is sad but it just means you're not speaking about your loss to the right people. Some people just don't understand the connection and unconditional love that animals give us.

You need to talk about your cat and share happy memories with like minded folk. We are your folk. For me it took about a year for me to stop crying nearly every day. Lots of other emotion was tied up with my cats passing but she was the straw that broke me. Now I look back and the sadness is still there but I smile as well and tbh laugh at how wonderful and funny she was.

My little brown dog is nearly 15 and is showing signs of winding down. He has a few illnesses now and he's going blind and deaf. The surprise for me is that this is helping to prepare me for him passing. But a shock death like you've experienced I think is so much worse.

@messymaple thank you. I’ve been struggling with guilt at not being able to afford surgery for her. I posted on here about it (hence my user name!) and people were so kind. And now I feel how awful surgery would be for her and I’ve processed that decision. I’m focused now on appreciating her so much. She’s only 9, almost 10.

Sending you lots of love.

Oh goodness, we lost our lad a couple of months ago. Like Tilly, it was completely out of the blue so a complete shock.

You get to know them so well and their little ways. It's heartbreaking when they go. I console myself with the fact that he had a truly wonderful life and was utterly spoilt.

There are lots of cats in rescues at the moment so please consider giving one a home when the time is right. Sounds like you are a very special cat mum.