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Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

Original poster

Sad to have to give kitten back to breeder

78 replies

8e88e · 20/04/2023 21:44

I'm absolutely heartbroken writing this.

We adopted a cat back in 2020 from the RSPCA. He is very timid and skittish. I have always wanted two cats but once we got my boy I decided he wouldn't do well with another cat so we left it. Then last year our neighbours cat started coming into our house and my cat was fine with it! He was so chill about it, I was shocked. But it made me think oh he must be fine then maybe we can get another after all.

We recently got a kitten as I thought a kitten would be less threatening. We watched all the videos on how to introduce properly and slowly and we have followed it completely. My cat is NOT happy. He won't come near me, won't sleep in any of his usual spots, doesn't want to come inside and when he does he spends most of the time crying. He is currently hiding in the corner of my bedroom right now even though the kitten is in another room.

I know people say it can take months but it's really distressing seeing my cat like this and knowing I caused it by bringing an intruder into his home. He wasn't aggressive to her at first. Her scent didn't bother him, then when he saw her behind baby gate he hissed a little, but seemed to be coping ok. But now he has gone backwards and suddenly got worse. Growling at her very loudly with ears back etc. Poor little girl just wants to play with him.

Even though people say it can take weeks or months, I just don't know if his personality type is ever going to accept her and not be scared of her. I don't know whether to stick it out and keep trying or get the hard part over with and give her back now while she is still young (10 weeks) enough to find a new home quickly.

I am honestly in tears imagining her not here anymore. The funny little things she does, her little squeaks, seeing her zoom around the house (while cat is out), falling asleep on my shoulder. I love her so much and the thought of dropping her back with the breeder and coming home to a house without her is breaking mt heart. But I know that it's selfish and I can't let my boy suffer.

I just needed to get it out anyway and get it off my chest and see if anyone has any wise or comforting words

OP posts:
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Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2023 21:48

How long have you had the kitten? It sounds like you haven't given it enough time, honestly.

WetBandits · 20/04/2023 21:51

It took weeks for my boy cat to stop beating up the kitten we fostered and later adopted. They’re curled up together right now and he’s washing her ears 🥰

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2023 21:52

I am a very, very experienced cat owner, and what you're describing is totally normal and to be expected, really.

itstrue · 20/04/2023 21:56

How long since the kitten has been in your house?

I had a pair of 8 month old kittens and unfortunately one of them was killed on the road. My remaining kitten was extremely distressed so we got another kitten for companionship for him. I thought it would be easy as my kitten is the most easy going cat in the world.

Well he threw an absolute stink about the new addition. Hissing and extremely pissed off. I did everything as recommended too!

We have a happy ending though. He did get used to it and now they love each other! It took a good few weeks though!

moggerhanger · 20/04/2023 21:59

Not a kitten, but we introduced another cat to our old tabby boy. It took 4 months (separate rooms, food bowls, litter trays etc) and then we had a catty detente. Feliway plugins helped a lot.

Original poster
8e88e · 20/04/2023 22:03

So we have had the kitten for 16 days. The first 5 days they didn't see each other at all but we played with them on either side of the door and fed them next to door and swapped scents etc.

Then we used the baby gate so that they could see each other but not touch. My cat hissed a bit at that when the kitten stuck her head through the bars. But then he seemed to really calm down and be okay. We did that for 7 days and carried on giving treats and playing during their interactions. However over the last three days he has just gone backwards and is so so stressed out. We let them meet without the baby gate so this is obviously the reason why. He is a timid cat, scared of everything, doesn't trust anyone etc so I think he is very scared of her. Me and my boyfriend adopted him and he is still scared of my boyfriend 3 years later, which is why I'm now thinking he may not ever be comfortable with her. I think she is too boisterous for him, when they did meet she chased him and he didn't like it so we took her away back to her own space.

Does anyone have any experience of having a timid rescue cat like this that eventually got on with a new addition? I feel like it's his fear thats making him like this. Seriously if he's sitting on my lap and I move my foot slightly he jumps and zooms off as if something awful has just happened! He's a very sensitive boy and I never wouldve got a kitten if I didn't see how chilled he was with the neighbours cat

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 20/04/2023 22:04

We got a dkitten when our dcat was 9...
Couple of months in...

Sad to have to give kitten back to breeder
Original poster
8e88e · 20/04/2023 22:06

@Eggseggseverywhere awwww that is an adorable photo!

How did your cat react at first? And for how long?

I feel like it must depend on the cats personality. Mine is timid and scared of everything so I'm worrying that this may never happen for us. Which is fine, I don't need them to be best friends. I just want him to be happy in his home

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 20/04/2023 22:07

16 days is nothing!

I think we did about a month, followed by a long period of one in a bedroom while the other explored the house, and then total bribery with treats for spending any time in each other's presence.

I'd also suggest given your boy is anxious plugging in as many Feliways as possible.

Original poster
8e88e · 20/04/2023 22:14

Thanks for your messages.

I feel a little bit better but still very upset. I am torn on whether to take a step back and maybe start again. Go back to scent swapping etc and just go even slower. Or just ripping the band aid off and giving her back. I don't want to do that at all, I would give anything not to. But I'm worried that it's prolonging the inevitable. Is my cat going to get so stressed that he's sick? Is he going to go out and not come back home? It's going to be even harder once she is older and fully integrated into the family and she's fully settled etc. Then it would feel so cruel to re-home her when it seems more kind for everyone to do it at this stage. I just don't know what is for the best

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/04/2023 22:16

Far far too soon to give up.

Theunamedcat · 20/04/2023 22:17

Put the gate back up go one step back

Go find Jackson galaxy's you tube guide on introducing cats

MeiMeiSushi · 20/04/2023 22:18

I have never done what's recommended - I just throw the new cat in and let them work it out themselves and it works out but tbf all of my cats (luckily) have been quite tame and chilled out so after a couple of weeks of hissing and what not they usually end up cuddling together.

16 days is nothing. Don't give up just yet.

TanukiMario · 20/04/2023 22:21

We got a dog to our 2 cats. One cat was fine (we had another dog before), the other cat was absolutely terrified.
He can go outside, but doesnt go that often. He started going out lots. When he was home he lived upstairs on our closet for about 2 weeks. The only time he went down to eat etc. was at night when the dog was locked in my bedroom.
After 2 weeks he started coming down, but he never went on the floor. He sat on his cat tree all day hissing and observing. When the dog so much as looked at him he got very upset.
I think watching the dog cuddle with our other cat helped a bit, but it took him 2 months to be completely comfortable again. He still hisses when the dog goes really close, but he curls up on my lap now when the dog is right next to me.

Sad to have to give kitten back to breeder
CuteCillian · 20/04/2023 22:21

As everyone else says, 16 days is no time. It honestly took 9 months until mine could be in the same room.

Original poster
8e88e · 20/04/2023 22:26

This is all so reassuring thank you so much! I have been crying about ruining my cats life for the past hour, I know it probably seems very dramatic but it's just hard to see him act this way and nothing I do helps him.

Here is the kitten

Sad to have to give kitten back to breeder
OP posts:
Original poster
8e88e · 20/04/2023 22:28

Our handsome boy

Sad to have to give kitten back to breeder
OP posts:
Jxtina86 · 20/04/2023 22:30

We got a kitten last September and I think it took till Christmas before our 14 year old cat truly accepted her. There was a lot of hissing, a few scraps (nothing huge and instigated from both parties!) but they eventually found their groove. They're not best mates but they can be in the same room and occasionally do cuddle up against each other. Definitely give it time.

I agree with a PP, we didn't separate them at all from the start - I swear I've heard/read that can hinder things as it creates territories from the start and the resident cat can feel excluded.

Give it time, let them suss each other out.

Original poster
8e88e · 20/04/2023 22:37

@Jxtina86 I am nervous about doing this because she just chases him and doesn't stop and he gets very stressed. If I just left them to it without separation I know it would cause him a lot of distress. He was getting more and more aggressive when she wasn't backing off, she doesn't seem scared of him she just keeps trying to play even when he is swatting at her and growling with his ears back. He is a big cat so im scared that he could hurt her

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2023 22:42

I say this gently, but you are being far, far too dramatic about this. The cats will be fine, it will just take some time. Your level of anxiousness is only going to make the situation worse. Try to relax and let the cats work it out. Unless one of them is being seriously injured by the other, they really don't need your hovering.

1984Winston · 20/04/2023 22:44

It's still really early, just take it really slowly, make sure you have feliway/pet remedy plugged in, it can still work out don't give up!

SorePaw · 20/04/2023 22:44

Let them sort it out themselves.

he'll give her a swat or a swipe, he'll teach her what's acceptable & whats not, just as her Mum or siblings would have.

Original poster
8e88e · 20/04/2023 22:46

Thanks everyone, I have never had cats before so I'm still learning what is normal and okay etc. I know I am being dramatic about it as my boyfriend is not worried in the slightest and just keeps telling me it's fine but I can't help it. Reading all these posts have helped though, thank you

OP posts:
HerculesMulligan · 20/04/2023 22:46

You really, really need to buy some Feliway plugins. They may be a bit dated now but I’d also recommend Claire Bessant’s books on cat behaviour.

silentpool · 20/04/2023 22:48

Kittens are hard work for everyone including older cats. Give it time and let the older cat establish the hierarchy.

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