Sad to have to give kitten back to breeder

[8e88e]

I'm absolutely heartbroken writing this.

We adopted a cat back in 2020 from the RSPCA. He is very timid and skittish. I have always wanted two cats but once we got my boy I decided he wouldn't do well with another cat so we left it. Then last year our neighbours cat started coming into our house and my cat was fine with it! He was so chill about it, I was shocked. But it made me think oh he must be fine then maybe we can get another after all.

We recently got a kitten as I thought a kitten would be less threatening. We watched all the videos on how to introduce properly and slowly and we have followed it completely. My cat is NOT happy. He won't come near me, won't sleep in any of his usual spots, doesn't want to come inside and when he does he spends most of the time crying. He is currently hiding in the corner of my bedroom right now even though the kitten is in another room.

I know people say it can take months but it's really distressing seeing my cat like this and knowing I caused it by bringing an intruder into his home. He wasn't aggressive to her at first. Her scent didn't bother him, then when he saw her behind baby gate he hissed a little, but seemed to be coping ok. But now he has gone backwards and suddenly got worse. Growling at her very loudly with ears back etc. Poor little girl just wants to play with him.

Even though people say it can take weeks or months, I just don't know if his personality type is ever going to accept her and not be scared of her. I don't know whether to stick it out and keep trying or get the hard part over with and give her back now while she is still young (10 weeks) enough to find a new home quickly.

I am honestly in tears imagining her not here anymore. The funny little things she does, her little squeaks, seeing her zoom around the house (while cat is out), falling asleep on my shoulder. I love her so much and the thought of dropping her back with the breeder and coming home to a house without her is breaking mt heart. But I know that it's selfish and I can't let my boy suffer.

I just needed to get it out anyway and get it off my chest and see if anyone has any wise or comforting words

If you are concerned about him leaving home keep him in for a while or cat proof your garden so he can’t escape .

@8e88e that was almost our exact scenario. We did have to keep the kitten locked away for quite a long time and spent a long time with the door open a crack so they could see each other but no danger. We swapped them over constantly for brief periods so the kitten got he run of the house and her smell would start to linger and not be so alien. We tried feeding them either side of the door. We swapped kitty litter over between them, put towels down for them to sleep on which we swapped over. It is time consuming and you worry about putting either of them in danger.

personally I was game to try for a few months and figured if it didn’t start to get any better then we would give her back to the foster family but at some point we felt comfortable to leave them alone together and at that point I knew they would be ok.

but remember it was a year until I’d say harmony truly reigned so definitely be realistic it may take time (but maybe not- let’s face it cats are weird).

I found pet remedy more effective than Feliway.

I’m very experienced in owning cats 65 yrs in fact, it’s early days yet love, try again get some feliway plug ins. Watch Jason galaxy vids ( who I think is great) keep calm don’t cry and start again. Good luck !

Pet remedy is great!

And loads more ways to use it. A groomer I took my friends cat too, would rub it in her ear. She instantly chilled out.

I use it at work on the rescue kitties. Some respond very well to it!

I have used a very different strategy. At around 2 weeks I just left them to it, and it actually went better. I didn't find Feliway helpful. At first older cat was trying to get away, but they just settled down fairly soon after.

This is completely normal. You're way overthinking it. Big cat is pissed off and understandably so. Little cat doesn't yet know his place. Leave them to it. Big cat will hiss and cuff little cat a few times. They'll work out the cat order of things, and all will be well.

16 days is nothing.Also is your first cat castrated? That wouldn't help if not. You will see over time bit some cats are a one cat home others live well together just like humans. Make sure you give your first cat a lot of love still you can't prioritise a kitty because it's cute and fluffy

When our boycat moved in, he stuck to one floor and girlcat stuck to the other for months. They would hiss and snarl. They thawed after a few months, and now I find them sharing our bed.

Give it time.

One of my cats can sulk for MONTHS after we put him on the cattery (once a year max for summer holiday!) You def need to give this more time.

Same here - and at one point we had 4 (neutered) toms and 1 very grumpy Queen in the house. All indoor cats, too. The only squabbles that I know about were usually between the Queen and our daft spaniel who tried to eat their leftovers. But nope; didn't make a big song and dance out of it, just kept a weather eye and let them get on with it. The youngest/last of the clowder was 13 when he died, 8 weeks after we fostered two 9 week old kittens (brother and sister). Apart from the dog gate, there are no barriers or restrictions for the cats, the last of our clowder just used to make sure he napped where the tom kitten couldn't plague him with attempts to play...

The clowder were all fosters/rescues, the Queen was shy around people (apart from my son whom she adored), but the boys were all relatively well-adjusted, and very much their own little family. I think it took a few weeks before the oldest tom really understood that the Queen was staying - and that he was a cat, too (a 3 week old foster, we kept him because he bonded very strongly with me, but did think he was also human until he was 11 months old... when the Queen arrived.

Your cat was fine when the neighbour's cat was in his space because there wasn't any sort of faff and fanfare. You went out and got a kitten - and are turning it into a huge drama, plus worrying about potentially having to give her back. Your cat is, most likely, feeding off your stress and panicking at the kitten because he's started to associate her arrival with it. Not to mention having his various napping spots closed off to him, to accommodate her! Think how stressed/pissed off you'd be, @8e88e , if someone tried this with you.

Keep a weather eye, make sure that the kitten doesn't plague him too much (although she'll soon learn not to, I'll wager, once she's had a few swats with a bigger paw), but unless you're actively going to keep them separated by gates and closed doors, potentially for the next 15 to 25 years (my 3 week old foster was 22 years old when he died)... let them get on with it. He's going to need to lay some rules down for her, which you'll think are him attacking her - but please trust me, if he does attack her, there'll be precious little you can actually do about it. In all probability, he won't do that. Otherwise, no one would ever share their home with more than one feline at a time.

Relax a bit, let them figure it out between themselves - but make sure there are hidey holes for the kitten to retreat into as/when she feels bullied or threatened by him. Good luck.

give it time OP

i am not a fan of this scent swapping crap, either crate the kitten in the room with big cat for 24 hours and then let out - or just let them get on with it and plenty of hiding places for kitten

job done

they will be fine!

I would confine the kitten, so it is not racing all over the other cat's territory. Give the older cats lots of treats whenever it is near the kitten.

Feliway friends worked well when our pair started fighting a lot (they came as a pair) boy cat got really aggressive and girl cat was so stressed she started over licking. Vet said to get some plug ins so we did and everything settled down.

Was awful to see though so I understand your stress.

I have four cats, 9, 1 and two siblings at 9 months.
The eldest kitten whose one year old sadly lost his sibling. I then got another pair of kittens, yes to begin with abit unsettled, but the three younger ones run round like a house on fire and eldest observes them from afar. He is assertive but non aggressive with them, they know their place and find him boring now. They share the house and garden well, all eat and sleep together in same room although they have full run of house.
I have always had cats and in my experience much better to get two kittens as they entertain each other and don't bother the older cats. I always ensure eldest cat has his own space and gave him plenty of treats when l introduced the younger ones, as long as he's well fed and fussed, he doesn't seem bothered.

We use the feliway friends one and we have several cats. Sometimes we wonder why they have all started to get on one another's wick all of a sudden, and will dawn on us that it is either a full moon or the feliway has run out and needs replacing!

I've seen a few people say to stop with the barriers and just let them get on with it but in terms of professional advice that I've seen from vets and rescue owners etc they say to not do this. I also had people telling me to watch that cat guys videos on YouTube which I did and he also says to do the slow and steady approach so that's why I'm doing it this way. I have never had cats before, we got our boy a few years ago when I was 28 and before that I have not grown up with any animals so ive just been going off advice rather than any personal experience because I have none.

My main worry was about my boys stress levels though, but I have ordered some pet remedy that's comes with the diffuser, wipes, and a spray so hopefully this helps.

I had to keep Cat Three seperate from Cats One and Two for two months before they settled. Keep your kitten, it will be fine.

Ok. I rescue Siamese. My beautiful boy - just before lockdown - he was the youngest of 11 - all unneutered - I do hate to think how inbred he was. Lovely, gentle, but yowled all through lockdown. Indoor only. Everyone told me how lonely he must be (specialist Siamese rescue groups). So last May I adopted a younger female Siamese. Slightly younger. Oh dear. She is frankly a street fighter - food starved and nothing gets in her way. Luckily she wont eat his food. They hate each other - yes occasionally they are in the same igloo. But most opportunities he is trying to bite her and she gives as good as she gets. After this I will never adopt only-indoor cats again - they need the variety of outdoors. And probably separation. So it doesnt always settle down. PS Where would I return either of them. They both need a stable loving home so we will continue to try.

Our kitten arrived today. He is adorable. Our big cat is doing pretty well tbh, some hissing, batted him twice but is mostly keeping out if his way and behaving normally with us. I intended to try keeping them apart but about 24 hours before he arrived she decided the spare room was the one places she needed to be it just takes time.

I feel a little bit better but still very upset. I am torn on whether to take a step back and maybe start again. Go back to scent swapping etc and just go even slower. Or just ripping the band aid off and giving her back.

(Hard hat on).... Rip the band aid off by throwing them in together.

I read / researched all sorts about keeping them in different rooms and scent swapping and all the rest of it. Then a few "success stories" on here about people who just let them get on with it. I decided to just let them get on with it. The first week-ish I wondered how I could have been so stupid, what have I done to my boy, how am I going to part with this adorable little kitten etc and then all of a sudden they were following each other around the house and licking each others coats and curling up together to sleep. They've been together a year now and you can't even put them in separate rooms without the other one scratching to get in.

Regardless of which method you choose I don't think you've given them long enough. But I'd definitely suggest trying the "let them get on with it" one before you consider giving her back.

I also have a big black boy and a tiny tabby girl. She was the runt who mum rejected. First pic was him curious but absolutely hating her, she'd hiss every time he came close, then you can see how it all changed. He still looks grumpy but that's just his face .

Actually just checked the dates on my phone and this was exactly day 7 of the "throw them together" method. Little one no longer hissing and big one happy to let her cuddle in beside him for warmth. (And back to getting his underear rubbed from me after being mad at me for wreaking this ball of havoc on his life and withdrawing all human affection).

I know what the experts and rescues and vets say... but make of this what you will