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The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

Original poster

DP wants to get rid

72 replies

Urgi · 16/03/2023 12:45

We have an almost 3-year-old cat.

Brief history;
We found DCat at the side of the road at around 5 weeks old. We should have taken him straight to our local rescue but we took him home.
6 months later, tried to relinquish him to Cats Protection, they took him but I was in bits and so went and got him back an hour later.

DP was worried about our furniture (leather sofa, etc.) so that was moved to another room and 'new' furniture was bought - already cat-scragged. DCat doesn't really scrag much at all, he has a post and uses that, or he goes outside and uses the trees.

DP really doesn't like DCat, at all. Resents him. I don't want to believe it's because I love DCat but I think it is. He thinks my love for the cat is weird.

We also have a very elderly dog, a rat, and some fish.

I am starting a new job next month which means I will be at the office every day, I currently WFH 3-4 days a week.

DCat sleeps all day, except for his lunch break. He used to sleep on the bed but has recently been banned from doing that because cat fur is covered in urine.. He goes out all night (his choice - he won't stay in as much as we have tried). He doesn't run around or pester to play, he just sleeps. DP says he will not have the cat in the house (he WFH and is renovating the house at the moment). It doesn't fit with 'our' life, isn't right, and he doesn't want to not go away (won't let anyone in to feed the cat). So my choice is to rehome DCat and break my heart or leave my 10-year relationship.

I am stuck. I do not want to rehome DCat. I don't see why we have to. He is no trouble. It has caused almost weekly arguments since we first brought him back. I'm not joking, either. Every day it comes up. Every. F*ing. Day. He just has to meow and purr walking into the kitchen and it triggers DP.

DP won't be happier if DCat goes, he'll find something else to have a problem with. I'm fed up. I'm done. HELP!

OP posts:
WeddingVegetables · 16/03/2023 12:50

I'd get rid of the twat long before I'd get rid of the cat. He sounds like an insufferable arse. I couldn't be with anyone who treated an animal like that or who'd constantly harangue me over my much loved pet.

I'm confused though as to why the cat's fur would be covered in urine.

trevthecat · 16/03/2023 12:51

Read your last sentence again, and then again. It is not the cat. It's him.

WeddingVegetables · 16/03/2023 12:51

DP won't be happier if DCat goes, he'll find something else to have a problem with. I'm fed up. I'm done. HELP!

This says it all. You're in a "relationship" with a controlling arsehole. You and the cat deserve better.

MindfulMess · 16/03/2023 12:54

WeddingVegetables · 16/03/2023 12:51

DP won't be happier if DCat goes, he'll find something else to have a problem with. I'm fed up. I'm done. HELP!

This says it all. You're in a "relationship" with a controlling arsehole. You and the cat deserve better.

Nothing else to add really.

I’m sorry OP.

(Also wtf about ‘cat fur is covered in urine’. It’s covered in their saliva, yes. Not a problem unless you are allergic.)

Octopusmittens · 16/03/2023 12:56

trevthecat · 16/03/2023 12:51

Read your last sentence again, and then again. It is not the cat. It's him.

This. Give the emotionally abusive arse his marching and enjoy your cat.

Original poster
Urgi · 16/03/2023 12:58

Apparently, he learned in College (years ago, he's mid-40s) that cats' fur is covered in urine. I don't know why it would be, either (though DCat does like to flop all over suspicious-smelling damp patches outside..!)..

I think, for both of us, perhaps the cat is just a way of detracting from deeper issues, but that's not for the litter tray..

I'm not being unreasonable wanting to keep him, am I? I mean, he's not horrible; he cuddles, purrs, headbumps. He's not a lap cat, but he is affectionate. We are a vegan couple and the cat food repulses us, but as a vegan I think it is my duty to provide what the cat needs. DP hates it. DCat also hunts but he does eat what he catches (And doesn't hunt if he is fed enough).

I just can't face getting rid of him, but I also am not in a position financially to leave in the next month! I keep prolonging it, saying I'll look into it, ignoring the arguments and going quiet.. It's making me feel quite unwell, though.

OP posts:
CocaineBear · 16/03/2023 12:58

Get rid of DP.

lunar1 · 16/03/2023 12:59

I'd leave the relationship, he sounds like a controlling bully.

VeryQuaintIrene · 16/03/2023 13:02

Cat fur is covered in urine? How completely bizarre and untrue - all cats would smell horrible if that were actually true and a healthy cat smells lovely. Dump the man if and when you can and keep your sweet cat.

Borris · 16/03/2023 13:03

unless the cat is ancient, his fur will be really clean because they spend all day cleaning

Over40Overdating · 16/03/2023 13:05

You’ve said it yourself OP - if it’s not the cat, it will be something else.
He resents the love you have for an animal in your care. Not much of a vegan, is he.

Get rid. Of the man.

WeddingVegetables · 16/03/2023 13:06

I'm not being unreasonable wanting to keep him, am I? I mean, he's not horrible

He clearly is. He's controlling and emotionally abusive and treats your pet like an object to be thrown away at will.

Oh you mean the cat? No, definitely keep him but YABU to continue living like this with a selfish manipulative twat.

minipie · 16/03/2023 13:10

If it was just about DCat I’d be saying that it sounds like DP never wanted a cat, has ended up with one he didn’t want because you twisted his arm by tears etc., has never been happy about it, and ultimately you shouldn’t make someone have a pet they don’t want.

However. It’s clearly not just about the cat. He is fine with an elderly dog but not a cat?? That’s weird, dogs are much harder work, smellier, still need looking after if you go away, and are also not vegan (I hope you’re not feeding your dog vegan). He thinks cats fur is covered in urine? That’s just bullshit. He’ll just find something else to have a problem with? That tells you everything.

AlltheFs · 16/03/2023 13:13

I can’t believe you are even contemplating this. Have a word with yourself, you need to ditch this appalling, controlling human.

What exactly do you get out of this relationship? Just because it’s been 10 years doesn’t make it any less shit, just a shit 10 years. Claim it back.

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 16/03/2023 13:21

@WeddingVegetables I was right there with you!

OP we're vegan too; looking after the animals we rescue is part and parcel of that. It does certainly sound like he's gaslighting and manipulating you, and probably not just where your lovely cat is involved. As they say on here, 'get your ducks in a row' and ltb. Actually, maybe he should be doing it as it's him who has the problem... if you stay firm on keeping your cat he should be the one to leave!

Original poster
Urgi · 16/03/2023 13:21

@minipie this is the thing; he has never wanted a cat, I grew up with them. I never expected to have one and never would have asked if we could have one. I did cry so much when we handed him over, but it was DP who insisted on calling them to get him back "to make me happy". I didn't ask him to, but of course I wasn't going to say no. I would have gotten over it. Three years down the line though and I don't think I could forgive him now for making me get rid of DCat. Is that unreasonable of me?

He also never wanted a dog, apparently - that was his ex's idea. They split and he kept the dog. The dog is almost twice as old as our relationship. We don't go away. We don't leave the dog. Ever. And certainly not now (just in case, you know..). We have been on one holiday with DDog and I have been on one with my mum (wasn't worth the headache and arguments so won't do that again). DDog isn't vegan, no, but that's different apparently. I don't bother with that argument anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Urgi · 16/03/2023 13:24

I'm so thankful to you all - I really thought maybe I was wrong.

I'd have to leave, it's his house, in his name etc., so it'd be me going not him. I just need to get some money and find somewhere, and hope in the meantime it doesn't get too stressy I suppose.

I am worried if I start this new job DCat will be shouted at or hissed outside if he's in the way. I should say: DP would never hurt DCat, or not feed him, he just doesn't like him and will try and encourage him to spend the day in the garage rather than be in the house/getting under his feet (he will be lifting floorboards next month so I do understand that concern, but DCat could go in the utility room/my office with his bed and food and an open window.. there is always a solution!).

OP posts:
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/03/2023 13:26

Another vote for leave dp rather than the cat!!! My cat is my saviour though my current relationship issues and the day I leave with her will be the best day in far too long.

Pudmyboy · 16/03/2023 13:31

We have been on one holiday with DDog and I have been on one with my mum (wasn't worth the headache and arguments so won't do that again). 🚩🚩🚩so it's not just your cat is it?

crazycatgal · 16/03/2023 13:31

This is a DP problem, do not get rid of the cat because of that controlling arsehole.

Hallmark1234 · 16/03/2023 13:31

You need to try and put your foot down and refuse to get rid of the cat!

Counter his reasons by saying the same things applies to the dog.

Really if he gets his own way over this, it will open the door for more controlling behaviour from him. Nip it in the bud!! 😡

DomesticShortHair · 16/03/2023 13:32

As you’ve identified, you have two real choices. You can leave the relationship with the cat, or give the cat up, and then end up leaving the relationship regardless, because it’s not the cat the issue. Plus, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that anyway? At least with the first option, you’ll still have your cat with you for comfort, support and friendship as you make the change on your life. Plus, you’ll be doing the right thing by him, which is a good feeling.

It’s really clear cut, to me.

minipie · 16/03/2023 13:32

Oh wow so he was the one that got the cat back from the rescue? And now 3 years later he’s changed his mind? What a fucker.

I’d be making plans to go and take the cat with me. Good luck.

Pepsipepsi · 16/03/2023 13:32

The way people treat animals is a key indicator of what sort of person they are. I give people who are mean to animals a wide berth, I certainly wouldn't be in a relationship with them. Perhaps this will be a wake up call to end a relationship with a not very nice sounding person.

Megifer · 16/03/2023 13:33

I'd rehome or foster the cat out if possible, then leave DP.

I only say rehome to protect puss, as this has "so sorry Urgi, the cat must have got ran over" written all over it. You say DP wouldn't hurt the cat, but his behaviour and reasoning is so bizarre I wouldn't be so sure.

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