Guilt about leaving dog alone

[thornbury]

We got our dog because DH worked from home and the dog sitter used for holidays and his business trips is excellent. I work full time and I'm out 6.30am - 5pm.

DH died last month. Now I have a nearly 5yo dog who is adorable but I'm trying to process everything that's happened and find a different way of living. He goes to the dog sitter on my work days but it's the weekends that concern me. I got a pet cam so I could check on him when I'm out. We used to leave him for 3-4 hours when DH and I were out together. Now I'm finding it hard to do the things I want and need to do on weekends because I feel like it's not fair on the dog.

He's always been crated overnight and when home alone and it's his safe place (he was rescued). When I check the camera, he's not barking or whining and he's usually lying down.

I know my feelings are all wrapped up with grief but some reassurance that it really is okay to leave him at home would be appreciated. I don't live in the UK any more and there are very, very few places you can take a dog here...outside a cafe is all that's generally possible.

I am sorry for your loss. I think you need to give yourself a little more time before you make any decisions re the dog.

I know people on MN would have you believe a dog will self combust if left alone for more than 4 hours but the reality is for some dogs it is perfectly fine. Especially if the alternative is being passed from home to home or being in a rescue long term.

Our Ddog was a long term rescue centre resident and even the rescue said they would rather he went to a home with a loving family but left alone for 8hrs some days than stay in the rescue any longer.

I'm so sorry for your loss. How long do you need to leave him at the weekend? Apologies for stating the obvious but could the dog sitter not pop in at weekends or are there any neighbours who could look in on him?

Have you looked into Borrow My Doggy? I walk a lovely dog for his owners, and even have him overnight sometimes. I do it for free as I get so much from it.

I think it's fine to leave him for 3-4 hours, @thornbury . He is used to it and he shows no sign of distress. We do leave our terrier that long when we need to. I think you are right that your worries about him are somehow caught up with your grief. xx

We leave our dog alone for up to 4 hours in the day sometimes ( not every day, more an occasional thing). He is used to it and doesn’t make a fuss at all.

However, it’s not recommended to leave dogs alone for longer than 4 hours unless it’s overnight when you’re all mostly sleeping.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Three to four hours is absolutely fine if the dog is clearly not distressed. In fact I would say if it was part of your routine with your DH to leave the dog at home on his own, it’s good to keep that routine. I think my dog quite enjoys her quiet time alone (like yours it’s only once or twice a week). When she sees the cues that I’m leaving she takes herself off to settle down for a snooze..

You are using the dog sitter so that your dog has company in the week as before. It’s absolutely fine to continue your routine of leaving him for a few hours at the weekends.

Aww listen yrs ago I had 2 dogs, single at the time and then work decided to change hours which meant the dogs would be on their own longer. The guilt is real. They would go to my parents some days and on my days off due to guilt we would be out for hours on walks. Things came to a head and I remember seeing the vet at a routine appointment. I mentioned it to him and he was fab. He said both dogs were happy and healthy. They have someone who loves them and they are in a loving home. The alternative is waiting it out for rehoming in a kennels and no dog wants that. So they are left for a bit longer, contrary to popular belief they get used to the routine. On my time with them I used to take them to the beach, got out more than before. Tried to find ways to minimize the time they were on their own. However I still had to live, do shopping etc. Those dogs lived til they were 19 and had good lives, 4 hols a yr to various parts of the uk, I plowed my spare time into them and they gave back because they were everything to me. Dogs are family, like family we accommodate them but like family they also have to accommodate to life. The dog will be fine, try and find ways to minimize boredom. Leave tv/radio on. Best is to freeze kongs with special treats they loved that. Freeze lick mats. Today there are puzzle games for dogs, dog TV, ruffle mats.

@Bunnybigearsthere are no decisions to make, he's my dog now. I have to make sure he is safe and happy without compromising my own needs and wellbeing. I didn't mean to imply that I wouldn't keep him.

Can you leave the crate open so he can stretch isi legs ?

I remember when my Dad died I became really sensitive to the death of animals. Roadkill would affect me for hours after seeing it and I would sob behind the wheel. Grief does surprising things to people and can make one over responsive and tender . I'm still a bit sensitive to it now.

You are extra senstive to everything at the moment and that is completely normal.

It actually sounds like you are doing just fine - you have maintained the dog's routine and are comitted to him. You have figured out a solution to your workdays and you are making it work. You need each other more than ever and it sounds like you are doing a stellar job. The dog is loved and cared for and you are doing your best. I am so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself 💐

If the camera is showing he is quiet and laying down then he is happy and fine. Please don't worry!

We have a 7yo cocker and an almost 1yo puppy.

Puppy chews on anything he can get hold of. He is crated when we are out and overnight. During the week he is crated from 8-3 on days I am in the office with a 20 min house call from my dsd pr my parents pop in and let's them out.

Be gentle and kind to.yourself!

Does the dog sitter do boarding so you have the option to have a night away etc?

Three-four hours is a pretty normal length of time so I wouldn’t worry on that front. Our dog is an old girl now but we’ve always had 4-5 hours as our sort of limit for being out of the house, it has stretched to 6 on occasion and she’s always been fine, she’s just slept and mooched about. When she was younger we would leave her sometimes with a frozen kong or one of those puzzle treat balls.

I don’t think there’s any issue with what you’re doing. It sounds like your dog has a lovely life. Sorry for your loss x

4-5 hrs in a crate is not ok for a dog.
At this age he can be left alone, out of the crate. The crate is ok for short periods -definitely not 4-5hrs. Can you find another solution - neighbour, dog walker, even a room for the dog where they can move around properly.

so sorry for your loss. Xx

I am not a fluffy ‘don’t leave the dog alone for more than a handful of hours’ kind of person. But crating for 8 hours with 20 minutes let out in the middle of that, for 5 days a week, is not right

I do think the crate does add a slightly different element. I’ve never used one with DDog and she’s always had free run of most of downstairs so she’s got room to move around. I’d probably be a bit more mindful of time out of the house if I were using a crate, just because it’s quite restrictive past a certain period of time. Could a room be dog proofed and crate left with door open so he can go in and out? That might make you feel a bit better about stretching time out of the house too.

Where did it say 5 days a week? I said on days I am in the office. Perhaps read the post before you get on your high horse.

The dog has a bloody massive crate. It is twice his length and height. He can stand up. Walk about, spin round and chase his tail etc. He has food and water bowls attached to it.

He is happy and safe.

Generally we leave our dog for up to 4 hours I try not to leave him longer than this but he is fine on rare occasions we have needed to (maximum 6)
he isn’t crated but is confined to the whole of downstairs and we leave a radio on and light if it is dark.
he has a walk before and afterwards. Also if he had been left in the day we’d try not to go out that evening.
we found a local dog walker who does ‘pop in’ visits. She does let him out or takes him for a walk. If the weather is bad she sits with him, cuddles him on sofa etc which is what he does with us when we are home.

My dog sitter doesn't drive, it tales about 10 minutes for me to get to her place. She has him when I am away overnight and for longer periods. I just need to be ok with going to the supermarket or meeting a friend for coffee without feeling like the worst dog mom ever.

He's always been crated - if you go out to the local shop and are only gone ten minutes, he stands behind the door of the room he's in until you come back. So if I kept him in the kitchen where he is now, with the door open, he would mostly stand behind the kitchen door on full alert and not lay down and relax. He's never unhappy about going in the crate, his best bed is in there and he'll sometimes go in when I'm home, or not bother to come out when I open the door.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. What an awful and sad situation to be in!
Leaving a dog for a few hours at a time is fine, they can manage it and it does them no harm.
However, and I mean this as kindly as possible, if you work full time out of the house during the week, and you are then also going out at the weekend, your dog will be desperately missing out and craving attachment with you, especially with the loss of your husband.
Dogs need attention, attachment, to feel connected and part of a pack. I wonder if it would be kinder to rehome your dog to somewhere that he can be with an owner at least 50% of his time.

@thornbury I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sure your DDog is giving you comfort as you grieve. Please don’t think you’re in any way a bad dog owner for leaving him in order for you to do things that you need to do - including seeing friends - clearly you have his best interests at heart. As long as he is adequately exercised, he should be absolutely fine.
The only things I do when we leave ours are to give him safe chews & toys to entertain himself (as well as water ofc) but quite honestly he rarely touches them, just being content to rest or perhaps potter a bit around the room or look out of the window.
Loving thoughts to you both.

@MumofGreyhound I think that's harsh. Going out for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning isn't affecting the relationship, which is already very well established. We adopted him almost 4 years ago and he has always been either at home with us or with his dog sitter, who adores him and he runs to her front door with excitement when he goes there. I think it's possible for a dog to be attached to its owners and a regular carer. I work in a school so have far more annual leave than most in full time work. I'm retiring in less than two years, as well.

@CleanSkin I have noticed that when I leave toys in his crate (which is huge for a tiny dog, by the way), he doesn't seem interested in them. Thank you for your kindness.

It sounds like your dog isn't left alone for any longer than he was before. He probably considers your dog walker part of his family. I don't think leaving him alone for a couple of hours at the weekend is too bad as long as he isn't distressed (which you said he isn't).

I would prefer to leave a dog to roam in a room rather than a crate, but I appreciate crates are more appropriate/safer for some dogs. I had to reluctantly use a dog pen for an old incontinent partially sighted dog when a relative was rushed into hospital. Fortunately, they seemed to like it and just slept the whole time (I think they felt safe). They had previously not been left on their own. I probably should have purchased one earlier and made my life a lot easier.