Ex wants to rehome dogs

[Anonymouslysaddened]

I'm divorced from my ex, and we share 3 dogs together. The dogs live with me and I ask that he helps out with dog care when he has our child. I stay at my boyfriend's house as he is unable to get to me. This has worked well, but now he's saying he's not doing this much longer and they need to be rehomed or he will walk away and report me to the RSPCA for neglect.

I work full time, and have around a 1.5 hour commute. My teenage son is there when not at school, and my adult son pops in sometimes.

I'm numb and don't know what to do for the best.

I would break up with the boyfriend as at the moment it sounds like you are bending over backwards to facilitate his life with his child, his work and his dog. He's not doing anything to make your life easier. I would also tell the ex that he cannot come into your house when you are not there and if he isn't willing to share the responsibility with the dogs then the dogs are just yours. After that I would refocus my life on my work, children and dogs and live in peace and harmony and stop all the running around and staying in different houses and juggling dog care.

When I got divorced my ex threatened to have our dog rehomed rather than share care. He would have been rehomed only over my dead body and so I’ve compromised financially elsewhere to get the help I’ve needed from dog walkers. 9 years down the line I haven’t regretted a single penny. He got me through the divorce and is a constant loving presence. I have a new partner and child now and he loves them and they love him. Best boy ever. Do whatever you need to do to keep your pups with you and properly cared for. Ignore his empty threats, they are manipulative tactics.

How does your teenage son feel about his father threatening to rehome his pets, btw?

Boy friend needs to come to you, simple as that if he has his daughter she comes too

They're invaluable for getting us through hard times! I've never been married, but my dog is almost 11 now and me and my ex still share care meaning if I am away she looks after her. We live 70 miles apart. She wanted to keep her, but I wasn't having it as I knew I'd be a better home for her. She got me through that breakup which was horrendous, and has since got me through a lot of other things.

It's inconvenient at times, and expensive, but I manage. I certainly wouldn't be rehoming her to accommodate a new partner. We're a package.

I promise to look after any animals in my care until their time is up (and beyond that if I was to go first, I have plans in place for if I get ran over by a bus!) and a deal's a deal as far as I'm concerned.

Firstly, take a few moments to breathe. Secondly, this anxiety, panic and second guessing breaking up with your boyfriend is exactly what your exh wanted to happen when he sent that text. He did it cos he still wants to control you. You know that really. You don't need to make any immediate decisions. Take a step back. Look at your finances, your short and long term plans for housing/schooling with your son, reflect on any compromises that could be made to your schedule with boyf, look up local dog walkers. There is no need for immediate reaction or panic. No need to knee jerk respond to exh's threats or demands. Accept you will take responsibility for the dogs from now on, how you do that is none of his concern.

This is not a dilemma, you had your dogs first. If they are not your priority then rehoming would be best.

3 dogs is a huge financial and time commitment, OP, and on top of dealing with a difficult ex it sounds like you're drowning in it. Having said that, if you've got an older dog in the mix then they'd be impossible to rehome and I don't really think you've got many choices.

Something needs to give here, and I'd say that the BF who has too much on his plate to even help you out occasionally should be top of the list. And try to find a more local job so your dogs aren't left so long alone. You'll get there.

A lot of men walk away from their children so it's not surprising your ex has decided he doesn't want to share care of your dogs any more. Once he realises you're not going to react to his threat maybe he will rethink. How old is your son? He might want to spend more time with the dogs than with his dad.

If you are not doing anything wrong why would you be scared by a threat to report you to the RSPCA?

Though why anyone would have three dogs when not around to give them lots of exercise each day I do not know.

yes I was also going to suggest “borrow my doggy”

perhaps your teenage son has friends willing to help for some pocket money?

Will your boyfriend not let you bring them to his for the weekends?

it’s an awful predicament OP and I feel for you, I’m sure you know deep down that the dogs must come first x

My life revolves around my child and dog so I can’t advise dispassionately but the idea of a 12 year old dog being rehomed absolutely breaks my heart. Logistically with my old dog, who had issues and health conditions. it was really complicated but I made it work. Assuming they really add to your life, please just prioritise them and spend the money!

Bless you, this is horrible. I have a similar ex. We have to bend at their whim despite promises etc, and 6 years in I promise it is easier to bend than panic. A big breath, a "righto, thats up to me then" and accepting full responsibility is the only way to protect your brain.

I would say that you love your dogs loads or you wouldnt be worrying. You have had a panic and now You will need to take a beat and then look at your diary and what can change to make it possible for you to manage. Cause you can't and won't rehome the dogs, they are your family too.
You will need to change your routine with your boyfriend and potentially see him less, but if he loves you, that will be fine.

Take your time, and work out how it can all be managed by you. And you know, I bet you have been doing that for far longer than the last 3 years anyway. You can absolutely manage the situation with some tweaks.

It was never going to work long term sharing care of the dogs with someone you don’t get on with. You have to pick who has the dogs and they have to deal with them. They were family dogs, but the family has changed.
And your new guy is not great if everything has to revolve around his children and dog, but not yours. If he is a half decent bloke, tell him you’re struggling and see if he comes out with any solutions. If he doesn’t he’s really not worth it.

Dogs every time . Your BF is a grown man . Your DDogs rely on you . If you can't see a way to make it work , then you will have to try to re-home them . Poor poor doggies . Hope you can live with that decision. I know I couldn't.

Make it work for the dogs. They don’t deserve to be rehomed, there will be ways you can do it without your ex being involved. Please don’t give them up for a new boyfriend, they’ve been your loyal companions for so many years and they need to stay with you.

Is having 3 dogs really practical if you work full time and have a long commute?
When do you get time to walk them? I don't think you have much time for 3 dogs even if you didn't have a relationship to maintain- something has to give, the dogs or the relationship. Over 10 hours a day is a long time for dogs to be on their own- so I can see this from both sides.

Your Ex is a fool who just wants you to panic. Whatever did you think hewas going to report to the RSPCA?
If he couldn't sustain a commitment to you and his own child, he was never very likely to be committed to the dogs was he?
I'm sure you'll manage to sort out a sensible arrangement to care for them, using some of the suggestions that PP have made.

Ignore all the "poor doggies" comments.

I love DH to the moon and back but I'd choose my dogs over my 20 year marriage if it came down to it.

You need to uncomplicated your life and break it off with our ex. Honestly you sound insane.

You need to be realistic. You don't share 3 dogs with your ex. They live full time with you, they're your dogs now. He doesn't want to be your free pet sitter. You need to make other arrangements. Or accept that the dogs are part of your family and you need to be there to care for them, meaning a boyfriend who can't either let you bring the dogs to his place when you stay and can't ever come stay at yours, isn't a suitable boyfriend.

I'm assuming you live too far apart to meet during the day but both go home to your own place each night. Maybe you should look for someone more local so you can do exactly that. If this current one isn't willing to do any of the compromising then you're basically just chasing after someone who isn't all that bothered anyway.

This! No sharing the dogs or asking ex for help with them now. Just tell ex youve got a new dog sitter now; he doesn’t need to know u haven’t. Pls don’t rehome the dogs as they are older now. Ex is just exerting control and prob trying to mess up relationship with your BF. Ignore him from now on just say dogs are all
sorted going forward, no help needed

I'm sorry about your situation but am shocked that you leave dogs overnight by themselves, as well as long stints on their own during the day.
I guess they have each other for company, which is something but what if there was a fight between them or one got hurt sometimes. As well as the obvious - how do they go to the toilet if locked in the house 😔

To
me my dog comes first, yes it would be nice for the ex to share responsibility too. Would it be easier if your son took them to his dads for those two days? Is he an adult? Maybe he needs to stay home one day and you stay home the other day to make it fair?

Realistically how much longer are the dogs going to live?

3 dogs is a lot for any one person to deal with, whether or not they are the owner.