Ex wants to rehome dogs

[Anonymouslysaddened]

I'm divorced from my ex, and we share 3 dogs together. The dogs live with me and I ask that he helps out with dog care when he has our child. I stay at my boyfriend's house as he is unable to get to me. This has worked well, but now he's saying he's not doing this much longer and they need to be rehomed or he will walk away and report me to the RSPCA for neglect.

I work full time, and have around a 1.5 hour commute. My teenage son is there when not at school, and my adult son pops in sometimes.

I'm numb and don't know what to do for the best.

Oof. Yea, dogs 100%. It just cant work out with this one. You could ditch your dogs and this relationship not work out anyway. He already cant flex his own situation to help you out of a tricky situation.

You're all absolutely right, it was a stupid thing to write. For many reasons, at the moment I'm overly emotional, stressed, exhausted and feeling overwhelmed. So this, arriving by text at 7am, feels like a huge thing. And just one more thing to get through.

I now understand that the RSPCA threat isn't what I thought it was. Thank you.

Please don’t choose a new boyfriend over your elderly dogs, that’s so sad for them. My dog has been my constant companion through a horrible divorce and I would never ever get rid of him, especially for a boyfriend.

@Anonymouslysaddened It was definitely sent at that time to frighten & upset you - EXH knew what he was doing! I’m sure the excellent minds of the Mumsnet Hive will help you find a solution that works. And once again, I am sorry 💐

Can I mention borrow my doggie? It's a website that connects owners with people who would love a dog but for whatever reason can't have their own. So people volunteer to walk or look after someone's dog and you build trusted relationships. I know several people who do this.
Could be a solution for those times when the dogs are alone for longer that you'd like?

This is all that needs to be said.

Also if he has his daughter , who has her at 6am when he goes to work and you stay over

Take your dogs with you to your boyfriends?

Why is your boyfriend unable to get to you?

This set up is a bit strange.

So, you want your ex to look after your dogs while you shack up with your new man (who can’t offer you any help because he works all the time/has kids and a dog himself)? You’re not even home in the evenings?

It isn’t your ex’s responsibility to do dog care for you, so I can see why he wants out of the arrangement, even if he’s being an arse about it.

Your options are:
take dogs to your new boyfriend’s with you and teach them to get on with his dog;
pay for dog care (returning home in the evenings);
arrange to wfh on the days your kid is at your ex’s;
pay for overnight boarding if you want to go to your boyfriend’s and can’t take your dogs.

Who do you think will want to take on a 12 year old dog?
I can’t believe you see this as an option.
find a new boyfriend.

The dogs are family dogs.... I'm hardly shacking up with my boyfriend. Ex always said shared responsibility, shared care etc. and that's worked well for almost 3 years.

Incidentally, he's shacked up with OW... he just walked out on his kids and the dogs. And you're judging me?!

I see my boyfriend 2 nights a week and every other Friday & Saturday, when my teenage son is with his father.

I don't intend to rehome my dogs, but I felt backed into a corner with the threat about the RSPCA.

I've already mentioned how I've been feeling recently. Dealing with a true narcissist is exhausting and draining. He just has to keep trying to exert control over me

The RSPCA will do nothing provided dogs are fed and have shelter. Several years ago a neighbour reported another neighbour because they made their poor dog live in a little kennel in the garden it was never allowed in the house even when it was pouring with rain or even fireworks going off. RSPCA said it has shelter and is fed. Nothing they could do. This dog was left in garden all day barking it's head off while they both worked. RSPCA are useless.

This is a little bit confusing. Have you just bought a house that is still a 1.5hr drive from work? Are you staying at your boyfriend's only when your teenager is with your XH? The obvious issue is the long drive you have between all three places (work, boyfriend, home) thing to do. Would you be able to move somewhere that is under an hours commute from both your workplace and your boyfriend's? 3 dogs is a lot but I understand you've ended up in this situation and didn't bring the dogs into it - your XH has just moved on and you have to pick up the pieces.

Imagine how well mentally you will be not having that twunt in your house again.

This. At 12, your dog will either end her life in kennels or be pts.
I know that sounds harsh, but that’s the reality . And that’s assuming a rescue is prepared to take on a dog they have no realistic chance of rehoming. Which in today’s world, is unlikely

If your boyfriend isn't willing to stay with you so you can keep your dogs then he's not the one.

Making yourself dependant on an ex's goodwill for dog care was always risky. He's not obliged to take care of them so you can see your boyfriend.

This and if money is an issue you can look at the BorrowMyDoggy website as many people who would love a dog, but cannot have one, are keen to foster a relationship with a dog/family who has one - they volunteer to walk or even housesit (when you are visiting BF?).

Essentially, you need to restructure your life to meet your dogs’ needs - whether that involves moving, seeing BF less often (or getting a new BF who is willing and able to come to you - am biased as would always prioritise my pooches over a man LOL), or changing jobs to reduce commute/increase income to cover dog care costs etc.

so the poor dogs are left alone all friday and saturday in your empty house apart from a quick walk to do a pee once or twice a day - so you can shag your boyfriend at his?

nope. not good enough. sorry but you need to be looking after the dogs more. it’s cruel to leave them alone. they need to be with you or your ex in whatever house you are in.

or rehome them. if you can with the older lady dog. poor soul. shes spent most of her life with you. your best friend and confidante. how easily you seem to be able to forget about her…….

If your dogs are calm and easy going then I would also look at Borrow my Dog, sounds like they could be perfect for someone who would like dog company at weekends.

OP, have a look at BorrowMyDoggy .

People who love dogs and love to take a dog for a walk but can’t have one of their own.

The RSPCA will do absolutely nothing about dogs in a loving home who are fed, warm and safe. Unfortunately they have much bigger issues to deal with. They don't even go out to people who keep their dogs outside day and night.

Your dogs are family, not throwaway consumables. They've devoted themselves to your family, especially the 12 year old. They're just like children: you have to build them into your life and plans, exactly like your new partner is prioritising his daughter and his dog.
Kennels and rescues are full to bursting, and senior dogs are very hard to place. Rehoming a 12 year old at the end of his life isn't a kindness.
Your ex has said he's done, so stop planning around him and make it work yourself:
Work out how long the dogs are really alone. With a full-time job and a 1.5 hour commute, that's likely 10+ hours. Your teenager isn't a dog care plan.
Pay for a midday walker or daycare. It's the quickest fix, and it answers any neglect claim. You can ask your ex to contribute, but don't count on it.
Stop staying away on nights the dogs need you. Either they come with you or you're home with them. Why are you doing all the jumping for your new partner?
Ask your adult son, friends or neighbours for set days, and put it in writing so everyone knows what they've agreed.
You chose to have these dogs. Act responsibly, because they can't do it for you.

The RSPCA do feck all if the dogs have food, water and shelter. That's all they legally need.

I would work on solutions to manage the dogs, there will be a way. If your boyfriend is worth his salt he can figure this out too.