Grief from losing dog

[Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear]

I don’t know why I’m posting as I know grief is part of losing a dog but I’m struggling so much with it all.

Our dog was 15 and mobility had got progressively worse with him eventually being unable to get up from laying down on some occasions without help. He would trip over his feet and could no longer sit as he could hold himself up. He had to eat his meals in a crouched position as again, he couldn’t hold himself up. But, once we hauled him up, he could walk short distances to go out and sniff or toilet. Sometimes he could tumble and walk like he was drunk but he managed it.

On his final day, he got up and seemed to be having a reasonably good day but then got down and couldn’t get up. He was breathing heavily to try and just kept rolling back down. He was agitated and didn’t seem himself. We prepared ourselves for the worst but took him to the vets hoping to be given something to help. Instead, we somehow ended up with him being put to sleep. It all happened so quickly as we rang the vet after he had been able to get up and seemed off but because he told us to bring him straight in, everything went from 0-100.

The vet did kind of give us the option to bring him home but made it sound like it would be very temporary and because he didn’t like going to the vet, we didn’t want to put him through another trip if it would be pretty soon.

I just can’t shake the feeling that we did it too soon and should have brought him home or tried something else. He was already on meds for arthritis and painkillers. I think my judgment was clouded by using waiting too long to pts another of our dogs and knowing we would never do that again but this time I feel maybe it was too early.

For clarity, aside from his mobility issues, he had heart issues for which he took meds, he had cataracts and was pretty deaf. Yet he was wolfing down his food and wagging his tail everyday.

I was just so worried about him masking pain. He would pace some nights before getting down to sleep and I never knew if he was just struggling to get down or if he was in pain. He didn’t show it if he was but I always worried about it.

Anyway, since all of this, I just feel such guilt and like my brain can’t comprehend what has happened. Within a couple of hours, we had gone from him seemingly ok and having had a reasonably good morning to being gone. I worry I let him down and keep thinking I gave up on him. I’m struggling to not cry constantly and I have to go to work tomorrow where people don’t have dogs and those who have previously had them, seem to think grief is short lived and I should be ok now (it’s literally only been a few days).

Sorry, I just needed to get it off my chest as I’m driving myself insane at the moment. The house is so empty, I feel redundant and don’t know what to do with myself, I turn and expect him there constantly as he was always my shadow. I didn’t get the chance to feed him a last treat meal or even give him a lot of fuss as I literally came in from work one hour before we took him to the vet. My husband had been with him for a bit before but had also been out to work so he feels he also missed out. We were trying to navigate all this alongside the school holidays and minimise their grief (it didn’t work and they are totally heartbroken).

I don’t think you pts too early at all.

You have done the right thing for him.

You definitely made the right choice. Dogs can be very stoic and can’t tell you how much pain they are in.

You definitely did the right thing for him.
You definitely loved him, it’s really obvious.
These two things are linked.
It'll take time OP, same as when we lose anyone we love.

You definitely didn’t do it too soon. From your description, it was time. It’s devastating, I’ve been through it so many times and it never gets easier. Be kind to yourself knowing it was the right thing to do. I’m very sorry for your loss OP. 💐

You've done the right thing.
It's so awful when our dogs die, I still miss the one who died before my current dog and it was 19 years ago. This one is 13 and I dread the day she has to go.
I'm so very sorry. Don't let anyone tell you how long to grieve. ❤️

You did the right thing. And it was the kind thing. But actually making the decision is horrendous and it’s natural to feel guilt as we don’t get to pull that trigger in other areas of life.

If an ancient human had a peaceful death after a very long life, we’d be focussing on how lucky they were. We need to do the same for pets.

But you have my sympathies. Losing our beloved (old) dog was far worse than losing much loved parents.

Hey OP, there's a wise saying "better a week too early than a day too late".
I went through similar with my cat who died from hypertophic cardiomyopathy - he was suffering in front of me, his chest cavity had already been syringed and he only had days to live. However, I still second guess myself if pts was the right thing.
Reading your post, it's obvious to me the love and respect you had for your old boy. He will stay with you in your heart.

The time was right for your dog. It is never the right time for us .

Take care of yourself it is a very difficult time for you all.

Do take comfort that your dog had the best life, was so loved and is now at peace.

Thank you everyone. It means a lot to hear that others thing it didn’t sound too soon. Sometimes I can tell myself that but other days I second guess myself and that really hurts.

I know a lot of people say their dog wasn’t just a dog and it was so true with ours. He was the best addition to our family, affectionate with everyone he came into contact with which had everyone ask to stroke him and even right at the end, he looked like a pup aside from his poor mobility. He would constantly come to be stroked and we used to joke that he would have been the perfect therapy dog, just being endlessly patted. He was the best with our kids and any others that came to the house and we literally did everything throughout his life to try and keep him happy and to extend his life. He had lots of bumps in his road and times we thought he might not survive but he did and we got to the point where we never thought he would leave us.

Over the last 6 months, we’ve had to nip home more from work to let him out, get up in the night, change things with his food etc and all this has given us a routine that was even more centred around him, day and night. Life now feels so empty without needing to tend to him. My husband and I keep waking in the night as if we still need to let him out for a wee.

I know time is a healer and we have been through this before with our last dog. Because we let him go on too long, we were more prepared and we definitely knew it was the right time. It has thrown us this time because he looked so well a lot of the time and so happy. His coat was still wonderful, he wagged his tail a lot, he still loved to go out for a good sniff and be nose to nose with other dogs nearby.

Thanks again to everyone that had commented so kindly. My head is such a jumbled mess of thoughts and it is helpful to write it down and hear that we probably haven’t made a mistake.

We had our sweet boy PTS in March this year for similar circumstances. He was 14, and his mobility had gotten steadily worse since last year.

He couldn't manage the 3 small steps up to our conservatory and he couldn't balance on ramps.

He was also a big boy, over 50kg.

At christmas he went up to stay with my mum as we use our conservatory to host and that was his bedroom, but every day multiple times a day I was having to go up and we were having to use roll sheets and a stretcher to get him in and out of the house. I wanted to PTS then, but with it being around christmas, we thought we would do what we could to keep him comfortable.

Shockingly, after new years he got better, he had a rally for a good few months and then suddenly, we were back to needing a small handling team just to get him to and from the grass outside of the back door.

We knew it was time. I was absolutely strapped with grief that we had waited so long and not gone ahead just after new years, and sent him off on his "better days".

Better a week too early than a day too late didn't give me the comfort I needed because I felt we were months too late.

It's a good few months since and what I have learned is that there's no good way or bad way to handle these situations and so there's absolutely no reason to wrack yourself with guilt or grief.

You do the best you can with the information you have at the time.

All that sweet doggy knew was how much you loved and cared about them. They knew fully tummies and belly rubs all their life. They don't have a concept of euthanasia, they just live in the moment and feel calm and relief surrounded by love.

Sympathies op. We recently had our 16 year old pts and, like you, I’m second guessing myself. She had lost a lot of weight (kidney issues), wasn’t able to hold herself standing on her back legs and was struggling with walks etc but was still able to go for maybe ½km and was able to run sometimes. She was still rolling around in her bed in the evening and enjoying it so it definitely wasn’t a completely miserable life.

She was at the vets and he said we would need to make the decision shortly but gave her a strong painkiller and said to see how she was the following day. We brought her home and 2 of the adult children came home to say goodbye, which was lovely, and she got a last supper.

However, I think you made the right decision doing it there and then as your dog did not like the vet’s. If you had brought him home you would have caused him additional stress when you brought him back. You were unselfish to do what you did. Realistically, the last meal etc is more about us than the dog so you made that sacrifice for your dog.

Our other dog is in pain at the moment after an altercation a few months ago with an off-lead dog who went for her. She also has arthritis but other that that is in great nick. We’re experimenting with drugs in the hope of finding something that works. I’m definitely not ready for her to go too but it’s about what’s best for her, not me.

@Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear

I've had similar with two dogs. The eldest , if I'm completely honest , we looked for the good and sort of glossed over the bad. I worry we should have had him PTS 2 months before. In hindsight we wanted to look for his healthy behaviours and so convinced outselves. I think we did it a wee bit too late but not dreadfully late. The second dog started to display similar symptoms , and oh my goodness I probably shouldn't say it , but he was my favourite. He started showing similar symptoms , back legs not great etc. We thought he would be fine for a while. One day he fell on the stairs and just couldn't get up. We took him to OOH vet that day who advised he should be PTS , other than some invasive treatments to check his back legs. I cried all the way to the vet , I sobbed when he was PTS I cried all the way back , and at home. but I believe we did the right thing for him. Dogs don't understand why things are going wrong for them , I think they can mask pain - mine were border terriers who are pretty resilient and rufty tufty & don't complain.

Dogs trust you to look after them and sadly part of this is making hard decisions. From your OP I think it was his time , if not a wee bit after (I'm not criticising you I think we did the same with Dog 1 )

Remember him but on the face of it FWIW I think you have done the right thing. 🐾❤

I’m so sorry OP. However, from that description it was maybe a bit too late than early, he really didn’t sound okay at the end at all. I’m a very strong believer in better a day too early than a day too late , and as hard as it is for us, it really is what is best for him. Unfortunately, you will feel absolutely grief stricken for a long time, but that’s normal, and also I think a good thing as it shows how much he was loved.

You did not make a mistake, you did the right thing by him. I know how bereft you must feel. I have had the pain and privilege of having to pts my amazing best friend and it is so tough to bear, for yourself and as something you are ‘putting your children through’.

Your dog was happy and loved and had a great life. Hold on to the joy he gave you x

So hard...I don't know if it would help but there's a massive outpouring of shared support for "Simon sits" on social media atm...isabel klee, an influencer for fostering dogs who has been posting about pts for her lovely dog...just lots of love and support and experiences of this very very difficult decision...

I'm sorry for your loss it's never an easy decision. But from your description he was allowed to continue in pain for too long. I always want to put quality of life above quantity.
I think your vet let you and your dog down and certainly shouldn't have talked about taking him home for a few more days. Better a week too soon than a day too late, imho.

Thanks, I agree that I think going too early is better than too late. I think it’s tricky to get right though because when he had any health issues before, if we had immediately pts and not tried treatment or seeing if he had got better, we would have lost him about 6 years ago. Even with his mobility, he wasn’t great 6 months ago but then we tried new meds and he was much better and able to get about. It was only the last 10-14 days that he struggled to get up again and despite upping his meds and trying something else, it didn’t change things.

I guess it is difficult for a vet as well because they only see what is in front of them. As far as he was concerned, our dog walked in as he normally did and wagged his tail. He has literally been the dog with nine lives, having come back from things which we never expected him to, so I think our vet was offering to give him a couple of days with extra meds to see if he improved. He knew how much we loved him and would never have wanted him to suffer so it was only a brief suggestion.

I have been wracked with guilt over this..my dog didn't get the last day at home with treats thing either. We decided to do it while she was already in the vets with her line in..I feel mixed up. Guilt it was too soon, guilt it was too late (which I know in my heart of hearts it probably was)I don't think the vets are especially good at straight talking. We did the best we.could
In hindsight I would have done things differently but it is done now. Everyone I talk to has got a story. We love them we want it to be right for them, but it must be very hard to get it just right.

I am so sorry. It sounds like you did your best for him.

When my first girl was PTS many years ago now it was after numerous trips back and forth to the vet (seizures and fitting). Each time I thought "this is it" but they'd send her home with another different medication. In hindsight I wish I'd let her go much earlier because each time it was heartbreaking to prepare myself and the kids to say goodbye all over again.

I've recently been through it again for the 4th time (and will again), it doesn't get any easier.

Look after yourself.

Just remind yourself that the last day thing is about you, not the dog. You did what was right by your dog and you unselfishly passed up on the last day.

I'm not suggesting those who went with the last day (we did) are wrong but just that not doing it isn't wrong either.

I am very sorry for your loss. I would suggest engaging in some form of physical activity or practicing yoga, as it may help you relax both your mind and body during this difficult time.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely dog
The PTS decision always carries guilt and "what ifs", and even more so if it was in a crisis situation like yours. You miss out on the last night, last meal, treats and fuss like you would have when it is planned in advance.

Your dog was old, but had a good and long life. It was not a day too soon at all. Their passing was a tiny bit of their life. The rest is good times with you. Try and hold on to that.
I know what it is like. My dog died in January this year. I kept holding on to the "what ifs", but the truth was, she was ancient and not in great health or mobility. It was her time, but that time was a tiny bit of her life with me. The rest was zoomies on the beach, snoozing on the sofa, eating my shoes when she was a puppy, sharing pizza bones, going to gran's house, making my lounge stink of fart 😂

The Blue Cross have a pet loss helpline that you can call or email.