Resentful of dog

[Unreasonablyextravagant]

I posted before about our rescue golden retriever and some teething problems with his behaviour. I’m so happy to be able to say they have been almost entirely resolved in the 4 months we’ve had him, and he is now so well settled, and just an all round good boy.

I’m the problem now however, and I’m not sure how to overcome my feelings of resentment at having to share my home with a dog. It’s not this dog, he is great - it’s any dog.

I bonded with him really quickly when he first came home, and he with me - he was always supposed to be primarily my partners dog so I took a conscious step back to allow my partner to bond with him. This sounds drastic, but it was at the point that the dog wouldn’t walk without me by his side, he would stop and search for me. That was not ever going to be practical. I now think the stepping back was a bad move as all I can see now is the downside to having a big dog in our home.

The hair, the smell, the sheer size in a not huge space, it’s all driving me crazy. He is 100% staying because a commitment was made and DP is completely head over heels in love with him - they have such a bond and he’s a really good dog owner.

I get exactly zero joy from having the dog, I am only tolerating him - I treat him well, give him pets, do all the usual dog owner stuff when needed, but I feel nothing but resentment.

I have no idea how to turn my attitude around - I suspect I may need to force myself to do more of the primary care stuff and hope the love grows but honestly, I can’t think of anything worse at the minute.

Please help :(

When you say 'stepped back' what do you mean? Were you enjoying having a dog before you stepped back? If so, why don't you just take up some of the jobs/ responsibilities that you previously enjoyed.

I don't understand.

I could understand if he didn't 'like' you and was hostile.

i could understand if he was badly behaved.

i could understand if everything was left for you to do.

But you have a living, well behaved, gorgeous dog, what's to resent??

if you were happier being more involved, then do that. He's not going to object to more walks, more playing, more affection!!

if I'm missing something you're going to have to spell it out because it makes NO sense to me

So you were initially really attached to him. You loved him and didn’t see any of the negatives of owning a dog?
Then you stepped back from caring for him in order to allow him to be more attached to your Dp?
From there you have somehow managed to stop liking him at all despite the fact that he is a well behaved affectionate dog?????
This makes very little sense.
Rebuild the bond.
Is this not just a bit of cold feet now you’ve realised the commitment you’ve made??

Very strange.

Why did you get a dog??

Surely there's common ground between not doing anything for him and doing everything for him?

I have 2 young goldies. I understand what you are saying - the hair, they’re big etc. They are known as Velcro dogs - I can’t go anywhere without them following me! I’m glad you are persevering - they really are the most loving of dogs and by 7pm they’re flat out asleep! I force myself to ignore the hair otherwise I’d go mad😂
Please keep trying.

You are in for a long 15years.

Practical things. Get a robot hoover that goes round every day. Game changer with our husky cross. Plug in scent or lamp with oil above - makes a huge difference.

Then get back into knowing the dog.

Puppy blues is a thing.

Maybe I’ve misrepresented it - I do things for him of course. I feed him, give him pets and attention, teach him things, play with him. All out of duty & responsibility, there’s no joy there.

I agreed to get a dog after a lot of begging from DP. I knew I would struggle with the hair etc but was worn down eventually.. and credit where it is due, DP is really an excellent dog owner.

The smell is overwhelming at the minute especially after he’s been at doggy day care - he is in a regular schedule with a groomer but he’s not due in for another couple of weeks.

Once I initially agreed to getting a dog, yes I was excited when he came home. I enjoyed having him here. I stepped back because my bond with him was much stronger than DPs initially and I / we both wanted it to be the other way around. Maybe that was a mistake.

We’ve already bought a new hoover as the cordless Dyson just couldn’t cope - would a robot be able to handle it?

I just feel like I spend all my time and energy on cleaning and trying my to freshen the house and it’s making me so so resentful. Plus a fortune on diffusers etc.

Hes a good dog and I don’t want to feel this way! It is indeed going to be a long 15 years. I’m annoyed with myself for caving to the pressure.

Oh and definitely not a case of cold feet in the face of commitment- more frustration at the realities of never ending hair and stink. I’m not the most fussy person in the world when it comes to keeping house by any stretch of the imagination, but this is wearing me down.

A robot hoover literally saved our marriage. We argued so much because husband almost certainly has OCD and the level of fluff was really causing him huge problems whereas I don't give a fig.
It goes off every day and is emptied daily.

It coped at one point with an actual husky, a husky cross, a Romanian street dog of dubious parentage but with husky like fluff, a long haired cat plus two humans in a house where a window is always open and shoes are worn (I know, the horror). We're down to one dog these days so it's a doddle!

I only get the hoover out for the stairs (occasional as dog doesn't really go upstairs) and deep cleaning (or breakages). So maybe once a week? Absolute game changer. Especially in shedding season.

@NCForQuestions would you mind sharing a link to the one you recommend? It sounds brilliant and would really make a difference.

Has anyone ever used the MudDaddy thing for washing a dog?

Mud Daddy is overrated, but I have one for going walking where we're driving and there's a risk of mud (or rolling in unspeakable poop) for a rinse before we put her back in the boot. It's no good for a full wash of a large dog, just spot cleaning or a small dog. Fill with hot tap water and it won't be as miserable on the dog when it's cooled down a bit!

I also have a rubberised boot liner to avoid honk sticking to the car.

Any Eufy branded one is my go to tbh. I have one upstairs and one downstairs now.... One is an 11S, the other is a 15C Max or something like that. Both are aging (5 and 7yrs old) but I replaced the battery in the older one last year and they are both still going strong!

My advice is that when it arrives, run the hoover round, then send the robot immediately around and check what it's picked up. It's AWFUL and amazing at the same time! 😭

I like the mud daddy. Fill it up with hot water before you go out and it's tepid to luke warm when you get back. Leave on doorstep with towels and a drying coat and stick that on them.

But I can't help you with smells.. I hate to say this but you do have to get used to it. It's much better in the summer when it's less wet and you can open windows. They smell less and your house does too.

I'd get so frustrated with it until this most recent winter but fighting a losing battle with how wet it's been. Wet dog just smells,

"Once I initially agreed to getting a dog, yes I was excited when he came home. I enjoyed having him here. I stepped back because my bond with him was much stronger than DPs initially and I / we both wanted it to be the other way around. Maybe that was a mistake."

This is one of the most confusing things I've ever read. You were excited when he came home and you enjoyed having him there. You had a very strong bond with him but you decided to put a stop to that. I expect the dog is as confused as I am.

Anyway, just glad to read that he's got a good home for life.

Why does he smell after being at doggy daycare?

Sorry I’m not trying to be confusing. It was great at the start as the downsides were there, but overtaken by the benefits.

Now I have no benefits and all downsides, and no desire to try to bond because I’m being ground down by the downsides.

Is that clearer? It’s how I feel, feelings aren’t always logical but I’m trying to find a way to feel differently.

I’m guessing the combination of being in with loads of dogs all day, and being outside in all weather is making him stinky after daycare.

Good to hear the MudDaddy is worth a look, and I’m now down a rabbit hole of robot vacs with mop functions.

Thanks for the help so far ❤️

Another person/family/couple who got the wrong breed of dog.

You could try pet wipes and / or dog perfume spray to take the edge off the doggy smells.
For the bonding thing, just look in his eyes. Properly. Look in his eyes and when he does that goofy thing that they all do well then see how a little bit of warmth comes in.
They can be frustrating, like husbands. But honestly if you keep focusing on the hair and the smell you won't ever find the happy you had because there won't be room for it.

@DrJoanAllenby if you’re going to stick the boot in unnecessarily at least get it right - I shouldn’t have agreed to any dog, of any breed.

Alas, I am lacking in access to a time machine so I’m here asking for advice on managing the downsides and improving my own negative feelings towards the situation.

If you any advice on that, I’m all ears.

@Youdontknowmedoyou I think you’re right. I’m totally focused on the negative and have no room for anything else.

I am really trying but I don’t know if I have it in me to try harder. I suppose it’s that or accept this is how I’ll feel long term :(

Smell can be stress. If he smells more in or after certain situations then I'd say that may be a factor. Does he need to go to daycare? Is he genuinely happy there? Most dogs are not social butterflies and are selective.

The best way IME to really bond with and enjoy a dog is to train them. There is nothing like them working with you in something. It also helps with their energy levels! Why don't you try a class or two? Most clubs and businesses have taster and have a go sessions. GRs are really bright, really trainable and work brilliantly IME.

Nope. Another human who has human feelings and deserves compassion and advice.

That’s why I was asking about him smelling...if he’s smelling of anything stronger than just wet , I’d be worried about either the conditions there or that he’s actually really stressed there.

The smell - it depends on your home. If you've got fabric upholstery, carpets, curtains etc this will retain the smell. If you have less soft furnishings then it's easier to maintain.

A dog is a family member - I get you wanted your DP to bond but you also need to as well. The dog needs both of you - they are sentient and intelligent creatures that will pick up on your emotions. I think a suggestion of a training class up thread is a good idea.

So the smell theory is incredibly interesting. I’m not at all concerned about the conditions at day care, but perhaps it’s not comfortable for him? We decided to send him for his benefit on the one day per week we are both out for work all day, and to give him the chance to socialise.

The manager has told us he has settled well and takes himself off for peace when he needs it but maybe we need to consider this more closely. DP usually drops off and I pick up but we could swap next week so I can see his demeanour going in although DP has never had any concerns.

I had a visitor this evening who is a big dog person and they were confident it’s just typical wet dog smell but it wouldn’t hurt to look into the stress potential a bit more.

Maybe I am also super sensitive to it? I don’t know.

For anyone concerned the big smelly eejit is laid at my feet in front of the fire, so he has a good life :)

Class wise there isn’t really anything nearby for his age, it’s all puppy classes. From the limited info we have we think he will be 2 soon. We’ve been to one group walk event but it’s only monthly, and we couldn’t make it last time but this has been a good reminder to check the date for the next one so thanks.