Resentful of dog

[Unreasonablyextravagant]

I posted before about our rescue golden retriever and some teething problems with his behaviour. I’m so happy to be able to say they have been almost entirely resolved in the 4 months we’ve had him, and he is now so well settled, and just an all round good boy.

I’m the problem now however, and I’m not sure how to overcome my feelings of resentment at having to share my home with a dog. It’s not this dog, he is great - it’s any dog.

I bonded with him really quickly when he first came home, and he with me - he was always supposed to be primarily my partners dog so I took a conscious step back to allow my partner to bond with him. This sounds drastic, but it was at the point that the dog wouldn’t walk without me by his side, he would stop and search for me. That was not ever going to be practical. I now think the stepping back was a bad move as all I can see now is the downside to having a big dog in our home.

The hair, the smell, the sheer size in a not huge space, it’s all driving me crazy. He is 100% staying because a commitment was made and DP is completely head over heels in love with him - they have such a bond and he’s a really good dog owner.

I get exactly zero joy from having the dog, I am only tolerating him - I treat him well, give him pets, do all the usual dog owner stuff when needed, but I feel nothing but resentment.

I have no idea how to turn my attitude around - I suspect I may need to force myself to do more of the primary care stuff and hope the love grows but honestly, I can’t think of anything worse at the minute.

Please help :(

Totally agree with PPs who have said that this is a stage you go through where 'forever' kicks in. The honeymoon is over and you're left with mud on your carpet and there's even fur in your mouse when you change the battery.

Regarding smell, do you brush your dog OP? I bought some good brushes and would spend time every day or so in the garden brushing the dead hair out of my dog. You can buy lots of different brushes/mitts etc to help with the task. It definitely reduced the amount of fur in the house and the smell too I think - although I might just have gone feral and got used to it. I think the time together grooming helped us bond too.

Another thing I would suggest is can you in any way create a mud lock. A place your dog goes and sits in his basket to dry out and let the chunks of mud drop off for an hour when you get back from muddy, wet walks.

I reckon you just need to let yourself reattach to your pup. Find new ways of enjoying time together - grooming, long walks with a pub lunch or a picnic, training in the park.

You are thinking of lots of events and training with other people and dogs. I think what you need is one on one time (or family and dog time) where you properly bond as a unit, relax about the whole dog thing and fall in love a bit.

Open windows, light candles and (perhaps this is me) drop your standards.

It's the love that stops you minding the smell and the fluff. It'll all be alright.

Hi OP,

I just wanted to come on and offer my sympathies as it sounds like a really difficult situation.

I think it’s like when you’re in a relationship with someone and suddenly they just give you the ‘ick’ (a term I see used a lot on MN) and once the ‘ick’ sets in there’s no going back.

My best friend is in a very similar situation and has been for years. She caved into her partner’s constant pleading to get a dog and she loved it at first but as the months went on and the dog fur was covering everything and the house just smelt of ‘dog’ she started to get really resentful. She is kind to the dog but she gets no enjoyment from it and I think if given the chance she’d rehouse him. Her partner absolutely adores the dog but he says he’s not bothered about all the fur or the smell, whereas my friend finds it unbearable. At one point she was considering leaving as she found living with the dog so unpleasant. She said her days consisted of nothing but cleaning and being followed by the dog and the resentment just built and built.

They replaced all the carpets with wooden flooring to try and help with the fur/smell, as well as replacing their fabric sofas with leather ones in the hope the house smell wouldn’t be as bad (as they could clean the sofas and there’d be no ingrained dog odour) but nothing has helped.

She doesn’t have our friendship group over anymore (there are 5 of us who regularly have nights in on a rotational basis) because she embarrassed of the fur and smell, and the dog that needs constant attention. She doesn’t get a minutes peace if she’s in the house.

I will admit that the last time I went to her home the dog smell hit me as soon as I walked in and I found it really unpleasant being there.

My mum has got 6 long-haired cats and although there is no smell, their fur gets everywhere. It’s literally on everything and I can’t bear it. You can’t even fry your hands and face with a towel without ending up with cat fur stuck to your skin. It’s really grim. She of course thinks it’s endearing and just part of having a pet and had no qualms going out and about with her clothes covered in cat hair 🙄

Anyway, I’m digressing.

Back to the point, which is that I understand why you feel how you do and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the emotions you are dealing with. You’re kind to the dog and he has a good home and so it’s hardly like he’s being neglected.

You see on the parenting boards all the time, parents talking about their young children and how they feel no bond, they don’t like them, and how even though they care for their child, there’s just nothing ‘there’. All the other parents pile on with reassurance (rightly so) and tell the parent to “fake it until they make it” and that as long as the child isn’t being neglected in any way, then having those emotions is ok and it’s all about finding ways to manage them or overcome them.

You may not be able to “make it” in terms of eventually loving the dog, or even liking him, but as long as you can continue to “fake it” then I don’t think you are deserving of any anger or blame.

And if things get too bad, just leave, get yourself a nice clean, fresh smelling, fur-free house and continue your relationship from different locations 😂

@Mumto3Princes finally someone who gets it. You’re spot on. Thank you so much.

@Unreasonablyextravagant I didn't ever see myself getting to that stage either, I kid you not I was horrified by having any dog on my bed, my precious space where I slept, hair and dirt and drooling on my pillows????? Nooooo! But she just got to me, love was just pouring out of her lovely wee face all day and night & I just fell crazy in love with her & all that other stuff went out of the window. Maybe it's because she was rescue dog, all my dogs have been but I knew she depended on us and all she had inside her was love, soppy I know but there it is.
I wouldn't put a jacket on a dog to go to day care as if he's getting wet he'll be wearing a wet coat all day which won't be good for him, just have a dog robe ready to put on him at pick up instead, we also have pet rebellion car seat covers on our back seat, they are brilliant and you can fling them in the washing machine. You could get an outdoor dog shower plumbed in so you can get him cleaned off quickly on the yard and then pop his robe on before you get him into the house. I didn't know they existed until I saw one be used on instagram they look good.
For us the ruff and tumble coats are the best because they fit neck to tail and have soft elasticated back legs straps to hold it in place and a hood for his head, the mitts are great for the drying the rest of him, the pet rebellion car seat covers are a life save for the car and indoors we use a lot of throws ,washing every week. We've got a ruff and tumble cover for own his bed too which is also washed weekly. He only ever naps in his bed for a couple of hours each day so it's never really doggy smelling. I've noticed he doesn't really smell doggy at all but he has been neutered and maybe that's helped ? On cold days he wears jumpers in the house to keep warm which also get washed weekly. sounds like a lot of work but really isn't. It's just keeping him groomed and dry & chucking stuff in the washing machine regularly to keep everywhere fresh .

oh lordy, that was a bit long wasn't it, sorry Op I'll bore off now

It has taken me over a year to bond with my new dog. I had very dark thoughts towards her for quite some time and I don't mind admitting it. The struggle was a real surprise and had multiple reasons but it was there and only now, after well over a year I am liking her a lot and the good is outweighing the bad and the mundane drudgery.

Our last dog was a troubled rescue who was with us for 16 years and we went through a lot of personal stuff together (trauma, bereavement, life changes). I loved her and loved training and her just being around. She died just before lockdown and after over 2 years of trying and failing to adopt because we had a cat and both work (OH from home, flexibly) we bought a puppy. I say we. I mean he did a ton of research, asked our dog training friends and took me to meet a very good breeder who had a girl pup available. She came home with us that day.

I faked it until I made it. Truly. I didn't mind the mess - we're not house proud and have no kids. But with hindsight, my expectations were through the roof after my last immaculately trained and responsive last dog. I have 14 years of training dogs, mostly agility but also some behavioural work. I know dogs. I was unprepared for the nuclear bomb that went off in my life when the puppy came home. We'd never gone through that puppy needy, bitey, horrible bit. It was truly vile and I am not sure at the moment I'd do it again.

It is really normal to feel like this especially if you are otherwise a bit down (I was). There is no time limit on it either. You feel how you feel. My advice, look at making things as easy as possible - drying coats, groomers etc and then keep faking it. You are obviously a deeply caring person and I suspect you will grow to be your dog's biggest fan but that takes time.

As for my pup - well she's 18 months now - a high drive working terrier which is what I wanted (but not in puppy form). She has really settled and the thousands of hours of imput, blood, sweat and tears are really paying off. She can still be a bit of a turd to the cat (he doesn't care) and we're still working on leaving her for any length of time on her own (she is getting there) but I can see a good relationship there finally.

All credit to my long suffering OH who also did a lot of faking it and cheerleading me as well as managing a pup whilst WFH full time. He saw the bigger picture when I struggled to due to my low mood.

Oh smell - what food are they on? Some food makes them smell more than others. My dogs have had a smell but very subtle and the house doesn't smell according to my late dog-hating mother's surprise!

Unfortunately dogs do turn your house upside down. I’m the one who really pushed for them so do as much as I can to not have DH doing the ‘dog work’. Since your husband wanted the dog, is he doing enough?

If you want to make this work then try and find some fun things to do to bond and make it worth it. Hoopers, agility, competitive obedience, shove some earphones in and walk while listening to cheesy music. Whatever you enjoy!

Have you done all you can to minimise dog impact? We have fenced off our patio, don’t allow dogs upstairs and have a grooming system to keep smell and mud down. All dogs are blasted dry and not allowed into the main house until clean. Regular blasting also gets rid of the undercoat minimising shed and smell. It does help and stops either of us feeling negative about the mess!

If your beautiful dog wasn't there any more , would you feel sad ?
I think you would .
It should be an honour to have a dog.

I think you've had some really lovely helpful messages and hope you can scroll past the snotty arseholes who seem to have just come here to broadcast how virtuous they are by comparison.

I agree with the poster(s) who suggested that there might be more going on for you. I have a puppy who I am absolutely in love with and it's still like a bomb going off in your life. I would be at the bottom of a hole if I hadn't completely fallen for him. So no, you're not mad or bad. You probably are a bit depressed and overwhelmed though.

There is lots of good, practical advice from others too, and I might take some of it myself. One final thing I would add though is that love isn't always a lightning bolt. Sometimes it's work. You decide that you're going to love someone or something, and you decide to spend the time and find things to love about them. If you know already that you don't love your dog, and haven't the energy or the capacity to do that work, there's a good chance that there is more going on, and you might want to get a Roomba and a doctor's appointment.

I wish you all the very best. There are a good few of us who are cheering you on and hoping that you find a way to be okay.

Puppy tax attached: this little sod had me sitting outside in the freezing cold today picking up this vile puffed pig snout every 20 seconds when he dropped it off the chair. That's love. It's not normal, and absolutely nobody could reasonably expect you to do it if you don't feel it x

I find this really strange tbh. You said you bonded with him ? So you love him right ? So how can you resent him ? I feel like the luckiest person alive to have my dog. I literally can't wait to go downstairs and see him In the morning. I love walking him just being with him. I could look at him all day he just amazes me even his smell makes me happy Have you got kids ? Do you resent them. Genuine question.