What should my nervous child do around dogs?

[AbacusAvocado]

My autistic 6 year old is very afraid of dogs, but we can’t go anywhere round here without passing dog walkers.

I’ve had a few comments from dog walkers who seem offended that I move in front of him or pick him up (so he knows the dogs can’t reach him). Lots of them will stop and tell me their dog is very friendly, just wants to play, we should just say hello to him etc.

So I’m asking dog owners: how can we politely make clear to dogs and their humans that we really don’t want your dog anywhere near us? Often my son will try to run away and of course dogs think he’s playing so chase after, it’s quite traumatic tbh as he’s very scared.

You’re doing and saying the right things. As a dog owner I always say “Don’t worry, I won’t let her come near you” because that’s what the child who is afraid of dogs needs to know. And I make sure that happens.

Dog trainers generally own very very obedient dogs. You could approach dog trainers to do some sessions with their dog and your child so the can practice the standing still and ignoring in a controlled environment.

I have a 13yo autistic child who has had a dislike of dogs for years. Everything has been tried and nothing works. SEN school have tried all they can think of with therapy dog and nothing shifted his fear.

For him, dogs are unpredictable - as in, when you go out they may or may not be on a lead, they may or may not ignore him, when they run toward you they may or may not go by, they may or may not bark, they may or may not jump and lick him. Sadly we've experienced a lot of dreadful dog owners who can't control their dogs really make the fear entrenched and validate the level of uncertainty.

His autism means he only works in absolutes. In an ideal world, he wouldn't have this disability but we are where we are. CAMHS are going to try some work with him around managing his feelings now he's older but it won't have any exposure to dogs as that won't work.

I would be careful not to apply NT ways of dealing with things to a ND child - it's a very different way of the brain working.

My autistic son wouldn't scream but would run - into traffic if that was the opposite direction of the dog.

I wish we had tried to find a very calm old dog and asked to be allowed to visit for practice and acclimation. Practicing being a tree, for example.

He's much older now and will still try to get away from dogs but won't run into the road.

Not a dog owner. But I sympathise re your son.

I just used to pick DS up, make positive comments about the dog, tell the owner it's not you it's us, he doesn't like any dog and by then you're usually past.
So
"It's ok X, isn't she being a good doggy, don't worry it's us not you, he doesn't like dogs, that ok we're past now, shall we look for some leaves that are green?"

If I'm in a bad mood when they say "oh he is so friendly" I reply "I'm not"

Have also lied and said we have allergies so need dog kept away when you have owners who think you want their overindulged pet in middle of your picnic.

Generally a simple direct request "can you call your dog back" with or 'we don't want it touching us"

Completely agree with @colusnigt that exposure is not a good way to deal with an autistic child's fear of dogs.

My autistic son is also afraid of dogs. I think "he's friendly" is just the automatic response of many dog owners, so I would let that one go provided the dog isn't jumping all over you. I tell my DS to move to the side of the path, turn back and be a statue.

Unfortunately there are some dog owners who seem to take his fear as some kind of insult, but there's nothing that can be done about them.

Also just to add that my son's fear isn't necessarily that the dog will bite him or be aggressive, he is also repulsed by the idea of the dog touching him.

Why on earth should interacting with dogs be a fact of life? Keep your disgusting things under control at all times. This thread just sounds like people excusing dogs killing / biting children because apparently scared people deserve to be jumped on / licked / bitten.

Also very terrible post about cuddling a friendly dog. No. Yuck. Why would you ever want to? Stop doing this to kids, people did it to me and all it ever did was teach me even nice under control dogs stink, are very ugly and make weird noises. Let people be safe, keep your dogs away from strangers.

No, it really doesn’t.

I do agree though that you should be able to live a perfectly happy life without having to be happy around dogs. We seem to be in a society that wants everyone to be happy to be around dogs and if they don't they are the problem that needs sorting rather than it being ok to just not like or want to be around dogs.

I'm sure my sons fear has got 10x worse because people kept trying to show him (and also not understanding autism at all) that dogs are great / friendly / fun / you NEED to like them to not be limited in life rather than just accepting that not everyone likes or wants to be around dogs and that's ok.

Thank you for posting this. I have an autistic 12yo who is terrified of dogs and what you've said about the unpredictability is spot on.

I sought help through our child development centre but they wouldn't focus directly on the dog phobia, as deemed exposure wasn't a safe way of dealing with it. She ended up with CBT for unrelated anxieties which hasn't helped.

Several times we have managed to get her accustomed to particular different dogs, friends' dogs, but unfortunately this doesn't help the problem as a whole as the rest of them are still unpredictable.

It feels like there is literally nothing we can do other than accept her already difficult life is going to be made more difficult because of dogs.

Ditto for my son.

The sensory overload from dogs is beyond anything he can cope with. The feel of the fur, the smell, the slobber if they lick and the sound of barking causes him physical pain.

This can't be equated to usual NT fear as it's a totally different experience.

@Breadahead exactly. It's a bit like 'if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism' - for my autistic son 'if he's met 1 well behaved dog, he's met one behaved dog' - every other is still unpredictable - and sadly, he's not wrong! But it does mean exposure therapy just won't work with his autistic mind.

My son who is an adult with LD is similar. I move him to the side of the path and stand in front of him. If anyone looks like they do not have control or the dog is approaching, I say politely but very clearly. He is frightened of dogs please call your dog.

Yes but I def feel all that and it takes hours / days to come down after but I'm not nd.

@Onewildandpreciouslife

''I think nervous dogs and nervous children both need to be treated in the same way - they need to be able to take their lead from their parent / owner. You need to try to be breezily confident around dogs - by picking him up or putting yourself between DS and the dog you are reinforcing the message that dogs are scary.''

I agree with this approach.

OP, I know you are only trying to support and protect your kid but you are indeed reinforcing the idea that all dogs are scary.

Do you have any relatives/friends who have small dogs so your son could maybe try to be around them in a controlled environment? This is not even about forcing him to interact with the dog directly but maybe try to get to a point where he can feel safe if there is one in the vicinity.

Because realistically you will always encounter dogs and dog walkers out and about.

Why on earth should interacting with dogs be a fact of life?

Because @Boomboom22 humans realised 11,000 years ago that their lives were made better by sharing them with dogs. Dogs were the first species we domesticated. Dogs perform a whole range of tasks and roles that improve people's lives and our health. Just because you don't see that doesn't mean it's not happening.

I'm not excusing careless and anti-social dog owners - they should control their dogs in public and I support bringing back licenses - but dogs are going nowhere.

30% of people have them and there are 11 million of them in the UK. Unless you have plans to become a dog-murdering dictator, you will be around them.

They also have a unique evolutionary relationship with humans.

And no, my dog hasn't killed anyone. And doesn't seem to want to. He avoids non-family because he was badly abused. Something he has never done back.

Thank you all, there is some really good advice here.

I think it’s the unpredictability for him - he can’t identify how humans are feeling or are likely to behave, so pretty much no chance with another species! So he sees a dog nearby and has no way to gauge if that dog is a threat.

Plus it’s very overwhelming from a sensory point of view, he’s petite so dogs are huge and when they’re jumping up/panting in his face etc it’s just too much for him to deal with.

I do understand what people are saying about being careful not to reinforce the fear - but I have to hold him or he’ll run (and he’s run into traffic before, the panic just takes over) so not much choice there.

We will try the standing like a tree/statute approach - it sounds like a lot of dog owners would recognise that as “please keep away”?

There's a lot of (well meaning) advice on this thread that just is NOT applicable when dealing with autism.

You're doing a great job, go with your instincts on how to deal with it in line with your child's needs.

I will repeat the OP's original question. What is the most efficient way to communicate to the dog owners, that I don't consent to them letting their dog approach me?
I don't care whether it is friendly, I just don't want it in my personal space.

Dogs are bloody huge when you are little. I never minded, but 2 of my siblings hated dogs coming up to them. One has never grown out of that (and that’s fine), the other is a dog owner, even of the Dreaded Staffy breed . My DN was never keen on our first dog as she was bouncy and big compared to him. Now he rescues dogs with challenging issues, with so much patience.

Bottom line is no dog should be approaching anyone without that person’s permission. Yes, mistakes happen, particularly when dogs are young, but as a general rule control on lead or control by owner command.

I would also run into traffic as a child. Because I believe a driver is more likely to stop than the dog I to be safe. I don't do that now and hold my 4 yr old to stop him. You'd barely know my disgust now unless a dog actually ran up to me or touched me as I have to parent. As a teen amd young adult I'd smoke to walk through parks so as to control breathing and have a focus.