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The doghouse

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Original poster

A sad one - how do I get through to DH about DD

52 replies

hypeman · 30/01/2022 10:32

A sad one so sorry folks but I'm struggling and some advice would be good as I don't want to make this harder than it is and I'm trying to be sensitive.

DH has a 14 year old collie X. He's had her since a puppy (before we met). He got her when he divorced his ex-wife and shes been with him ever since.

She's very much a one man dog and although she's become a family pet, she's always sort of been more his. She's a nice dog & has been good with DS since he arrived etc. I'm not really much of a dog person to be honest but I'm fond of her.

3 years ago her back legs started playing up and we discussed then she might be sadly on her way out. She saw the vet regularly and they confirmed arthritis but said she wasn't in pain etc and she's continued to live a happy (lazier) life. Just short frequent walks but she's happy.

She started developing lumps about a year ago and vet said nothing to worry about, normal for her age etc.

She now has faster growing lumps growing on the lumps and has lost fur around there. She's noticeably lost condition and is looking skinny and a bit raggy. She's in and out to the toilet all the time and pooing lots despite having the same food as always, same amounts etc. she's dropping her coat excessively, she's always shed a lot but I'm hoovering sometimes twice a day and still hair everywhere. However she's still e eating & drinking and going for short walks and seems happy enough. She's content and affectionate with us all still. Although occasionally she's been a bit growly which isn't like her, appears to be at nothing.

I feel that she probably has something wrong with her (lumps) and is in pain and that's why she's losing weight. I'm concerned about the growling with toddler DS. She's been brilliant and he's very gentle and leaves her be if she's on her bed but If she's in pain who knows - she could be unpredictable.

DH is being very difficult now and refusing to take her to the vets. Saying he can't afford it (we can, no financial issues, comfortable and she's insured). Saying there's no point they won't do anything for an old dog. He's been quite hurtful saying I just want her to be put down, this isn't true but if she's suffering then I think we should consider that option because it's unfair.

I understand he is struggling and doesn't want to let her go but I don't feel we're being fair to her to at-least get her checked . How do I gently push a vet trip without making this situation worse for anyone?

Long ago when we were thinking about TTC DS we agreed whilst we liked the dog we wouldn't get another. I'm not a fan of dogs and small children and ultimately the last few years it's me doing all the work with DDog as I had maternity and went back part time and I wouldn't chose that as I'm not overly bothered with dogs. I'm pregnant with DC2 now and I definitely wouldn't consider another dog. I think this is playing a part.

I'm stuck and I don't want either the Dog or DH to suffer but I'm stuck in the middle! DS will also be devastated as he adores her but I don't want him to watch the dog suffer either.

Help please?! How to I move forward gently?

OP posts:
Original poster
hypeman · 30/01/2022 10:32

Obviously in this instance DD is the dog. No daughters here.

OP posts:
WhWt · 30/01/2022 11:00

I’m sorry, it’s the hardest thing. However arthritis is PAINFUL - dog or human, you cannot have arthritis and not be in pain with it. All other issues aside, if your H feels PTS is not the right decision yet, the poor dog needs some pain relief at least.

Gently remind your H that helping to end the suffering when it’s time is the final act of kindness we can show our dogs. They rely on us to make that call, just as they have relied on us for all their other needs through the years.

glassofbubbles25 · 30/01/2022 11:04

I’m be really upset if my dh was letting an animal suffer, I wouldn’t be able to do nothing so I’d probably take the dog to the vets and if my dh had a problem with that he isn’t someone I’d want to be married too.

Sorry probably an over reactive post on my part but I hate animals being left to suffer because someone is to selfish to take them to a vet.

lljkk · 30/01/2022 11:05

Yeah, play it up as pain relief for a lovely dog who deserves to be comfortable -- vets can do a lot as pain relief, veterinary science has come on hugely in recent years. AND you need a prognosis, will be easier to prepare the family for her demise knowing what to expect.

Stickytreacle · 30/01/2022 11:12

His dog needs a vet check, arthritis can improve dramatically with the right pain medications, and the hair and weight loss could be an age related disease such as cushings or thyroid, which can also be medicated for. Diet can also make a difference to an older dog with issues, a change that suits his needs might help.
It doesn't automatically mean a dog needs to be euthanised, although at his age it may well be the kindest option if pain can't be resolved, but would your husband really want his best friend to suffer painfully because he can't make the decision to let go? The dog needs are more important than his wants in this case.

MrsJaxTellerPlease · 30/01/2022 11:14

You just take her to the vet. You don't need his permission.

Newyearnewyearnew · 30/01/2022 11:14

Yep she needs to go to the vet for pain relief, and also they may be able to advise on diet for a more elderly dog. It may be that a change, or some supplements may help. Why would he deny the dog this? because he is afraid? That would be cruel.

CatherinedeBourgh · 30/01/2022 11:18

I’m torn. I took 13 yo dog to vet for lumps. They operated him and said he was in great shape for his age, so we thought we might have bought him another year.

He died less than 3 months later, and I wish we hadn’t put him through the trauma of the vet and just let him live out his life at home.

Stickytreacle · 30/01/2022 11:22

@CatherinedeBourgh

I’m torn. I took 13 yo dog to vet for lumps. They operated him and said he was in great shape for his age, so we thought we might have bought him another year.

He died less than 3 months later, and I wish we hadn’t put him through the trauma of the vet and just let him live out his life at home.

I wouldn't do surgery on an elderly dog either, but pain relief and meds that allow a dog to live comfortably for a while longer are an easy option to try if suitable, you don't have to have any procedures that you you don't feel comfortable with being done.
PinchOfVom · 30/01/2022 11:24

I had to threaten to leave a boyfriend because he literally wouldn’t do anything about putting her down

The vet was angry about it when he finally did it

Then I left him anyway because it was all so awful and avoidable

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 30/01/2022 11:32

Stop apologising because you aren't really a dog person. It sounds da like he's using that as a stick to beat you with.

He's being selfish and cruel here not even going to the vets. I'd lay it out to him. It's hard, I get it. But he is being awful.

zafferana · 30/01/2022 11:37

He's the one being unfair here - and selfish - not you. I'd be so pissed off if my DH was being this cruel as it sounds like the dog is suffering, whether from the arthritis or something else and refusing to take it to the vet is just cruel. TBH, I'd probably tell him that either he takes it to the vet, or you will.

Soontobe60 · 30/01/2022 11:41

I think you need to tell your dh that you’re going to take the dog to the vets. The vet will not put the dog to sleep at that point if you don’t want that, but at least it will give you a clearer picture about what’s happening with it. Not doing anything is very cruel.

affairsofdragons · 30/01/2022 11:42

Take the dog to the vet when he's at work. Get a diagnosis and go from there.

He's being selfish, choosing his wants over his dog's needs. That dog loves him and trusts him to look out for him, and he's not doing it at the moment.

Beamur · 30/01/2022 11:43

Poor dog. Your DH is putting his own feelings first here.
Dog might be fine for a little while yet with medication. But 14 is quite old for a collie. They're not long lived breeds.
Old dogs needing meds are bread and butter for vets, but they will be honest when it's end of life.

Nelson22 · 30/01/2022 11:47

What a sad situation! I’m sorry I don’t have any advice as such but when my very elderly cat was put to sleep, my little girl was 3 and understandably very upset. I found a book on Amazon called Cat Heaven which was really comforting, they do a Dog version also.
I know this isn’t the advice you were looking for but maybe something to keep in mind for the future. 💐

Stickytreacle · 30/01/2022 11:49

I've had two collies that lived until 17 and 18, they've been some of the oldest dogs I've known compared to other breeds.

Daisy4569 · 30/01/2022 11:51

Oh I do feel for you and your DH. He is clearly worried about being told it’s time and delaying. I agree with previous posters you should take DD to the vet for a check. Best case scenario some medication will help and worst case you can bring her home and plan to say goodbye. DH is probably worried the vet will encourage it to be there and then and imagine that is putting him off.

Clymene · 30/01/2022 11:53

He's being really cruel. He doesn't want to take her to the vet because he's worried he won't like what they tell him.

But she's in pain, clearly.

I'd just take her. Someone needs to step up for her and be the grown up. Stop pussy footing around him.

Original poster
hypeman · 30/01/2022 12:34

I did take the dog last time. Discussed pain relief and the vet said it wasn't necessary. I'm going to really struggle to take her on my own now as she's a big now, doesn't like using the ramp in and out the car anymore and I'm pregnant and lifting her alone is not going to be fun.

Also I'm not going to have HIS dog put down without his consent or knowledge that would be too far. I'm also not really comfortable opting for invasive treatments without consulting him so it's like what's the point. She'll be stressed and alone in there as vets still aren't allowing owners in.

I've had it out with so many times and we've rowed so many times. I don't know what else to say. I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel the more I push the more reluctant he is so I've tried leaving it a while but that hasn't worked either.

It's utterly shit for him and I truly understand that but I agree it's not being fair. I'm having the same issue with my cat who still lives with my mum but I of course stepped up and took him to the vets & will again when it's time.

I'm not in a position to destroy my marriage over a dog. I've got a 2 year old and I'm pregnant again. I can't destroy my family over this. This isn't like him at all, he loves the dog so much and I feel like it's him really struggling rather than being deliberately unkind. Doesn't change the facts though.

I need to try and support him to do the right thing.

OP posts:
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 30/01/2022 13:13

Can the vet do a house visit?

I'm really surprised to hear the vet said no meds for arthritis. Not even activities like water therapy? Nothing?

Lumps and bumps and weight loss need to be investigated. It's the responsible thing to do as a pet owner..

Your dh's response to this situation would put me off getting another pet.

Clymene · 30/01/2022 13:24

We have two mobile vets here. Worth seeing if there's any round your way. I wasn't suggesting you have her put down or put her through invasive treatments without his say so.

But he's got a responsibility to that dog which he's ducking. It's horrible behaviour, whatever the reasons behind it.

I'd worry about him seeking medical treatment for your children

zafferana · 30/01/2022 13:48

In all honesty OP, I suspect this situation is going to resolve itself in the not far distant future with the dog dying. A 14-year-old collie in poor health doesn't have a prognosis of long life. So if you feel you've said your piece and he's not budging, I'd just let it be.

Floralnomad · 30/01/2022 15:23

Our local pet crematorium has its own vet that comes and puts dogs down at home ( or at their site if you prefer ) , she also does quality of life visits where she comes and assesses the pet and gives impartial advice . You could look and see if you have something similar local to you although it’s not a cheap option .

PollyRoulllson · 30/01/2022 15:57

Your Dh does know the dog ad I am sure deep down is aware of the changing situation. I have a large amount of sympathy with him. He will be processsing how his dog is and getting in the correct emotional position to deal with it. This is hard for him.

Growling might mean pain it might also be a bit of dog dementia so not causing the dog a huge amount of discomfort.

You say that the vet says the dog is not in pain so why are your questioning that? Lumps do not usually cause pain but can make movement hard etc. Obviously a vet check up is needed if things have changed and I would encourage your DH to go. If your dog is on a vet scheme they will see the dogs every 6 months anyway or most vets encourage older dogs to have a checkup every 6 months. It would help you DH to hear a professional viewpoint on the situation which may be a change of meds, let this be for a while or a more serious decision. However your DH does need to make that decision himself.