A sad one - how do I get through to DH about DD

[hypeman]

A sad one so sorry folks but I'm struggling and some advice would be good as I don't want to make this harder than it is and I'm trying to be sensitive.

DH has a 14 year old collie X. He's had her since a puppy (before we met). He got her when he divorced his ex-wife and shes been with him ever since.

She's very much a one man dog and although she's become a family pet, she's always sort of been more his. She's a nice dog & has been good with DS since he arrived etc. I'm not really much of a dog person to be honest but I'm fond of her.

3 years ago her back legs started playing up and we discussed then she might be sadly on her way out. She saw the vet regularly and they confirmed arthritis but said she wasn't in pain etc and she's continued to live a happy (lazier) life. Just short frequent walks but she's happy.

She started developing lumps about a year ago and vet said nothing to worry about, normal for her age etc.

She now has faster growing lumps growing on the lumps and has lost fur around there. She's noticeably lost condition and is looking skinny and a bit raggy. She's in and out to the toilet all the time and pooing lots despite having the same food as always, same amounts etc. she's dropping her coat excessively, she's always shed a lot but I'm hoovering sometimes twice a day and still hair everywhere. However she's still e eating & drinking and going for short walks and seems happy enough. She's content and affectionate with us all still. Although occasionally she's been a bit growly which isn't like her, appears to be at nothing.

I feel that she probably has something wrong with her (lumps) and is in pain and that's why she's losing weight. I'm concerned about the growling with toddler DS. She's been brilliant and he's very gentle and leaves her be if she's on her bed but If she's in pain who knows - she could be unpredictable.

DH is being very difficult now and refusing to take her to the vets. Saying he can't afford it (we can, no financial issues, comfortable and she's insured). Saying there's no point they won't do anything for an old dog. He's been quite hurtful saying I just want her to be put down, this isn't true but if she's suffering then I think we should consider that option because it's unfair.

I understand he is struggling and doesn't want to let her go but I don't feel we're being fair to her to at-least get her checked . How do I gently push a vet trip without making this situation worse for anyone?

Long ago when we were thinking about TTC DS we agreed whilst we liked the dog we wouldn't get another. I'm not a fan of dogs and small children and ultimately the last few years it's me doing all the work with DDog as I had maternity and went back part time and I wouldn't chose that as I'm not overly bothered with dogs. I'm pregnant with DC2 now and I definitely wouldn't consider another dog. I think this is playing a part.

I'm stuck and I don't want either the Dog or DH to suffer but I'm stuck in the middle! DS will also be devastated as he adores her but I don't want him to watch the dog suffer either.

Help please?! How to I move forward gently?

@EvaLution thank you - ddog has to go to the vet soon so I’ll enquire.

Hi @hypeman, I'm curious to know whether anything has happened since you posted? I'm sorry to see that a lot of comments have been scathing of either your husband or you when it's clear that you do both love this dog, even if you weren't expecting to at first.
He probably does know deep down that she's approaching the end and is worried about going to the vets because he's expecting them to advise euthanasia. There's been some interesting research on this lately and actually vets will rarely suggest euthanasia unless it's been brought up by the owner because, if the owner isn't ready, suggesting that their beloved pet should die is just about the most offensive thing they could say.
It sounds like he really does need to have a good conversation with a vet about what the options are for reducing her suffering. To be honest, if she is still eating, drinking, going for walks and you say she seems happy enough, it sounds like it might not yet be time for her to euthanised and there's very possibly a lot that vets can do to help make her more comfortable. The fact that she's suffering from mobility issues and is now getting grumpier towards your son is of course a concern and also a clear sign she is in fact in pain, it sounds like she should have been on pain relief much sooner!
If you haven't come across it before, CAM (canine arthritis management) has got loads of resources and advice for owners about helping their arthritic dogs caninearthritis.co.uk/managing-arthritis

Honestly I think that a new vet may be needed if yours didn't identify any signs of pain, it might be worth calling around practices and explaining the situation and that you're looking for someone experienced in both end of life care as well as managing sensitive conversations with owners. Or, ask friends with pets locally if they have a particularly good vet.
Honestly it's difficult to advise about how to get your husband to listen, you know him best. If it were me I might try mentioning that I found the CAM website and some of the advice they suggest for reducing arthritic pain, e.g., supplements, pain relief/anti-inflammatory meds and maybe phrase it from a place of being concerned about both her well-being and your sons and new babies, that if she's becoming less tolerant around your son she's likely to really struggle with the disruption of a baby so you want to make sure she's as pain-free as possible before baby arrives.

Because dogs deteriorate slowly towards the end of their life, sometimes people don't notice just how much they're suffering so it might be worth finding some old photos or ideally videos of her when she was in much better condition and that might be a bit of a light-bulb moment for your husband that actually there's clearly something wrong.

These might be a bit wet for your husband but some lovely quotes I've heard that helped people make peace with the decision to euthanise are;
-It's better to go a day too soon than a minute too late
-What a lovely gift to give your best friend, to suffer in their place
-Prolong your dog's life, don't prolong their death

Warm wishes and best of luck to you all!