Living with puppy making me anxious and miserable

[RainDanceMaggie]

We got a gorgeous maltipoo boy end of last year. He is simply amazing. Very clever, slept through the night from the first night. Chilled out, confident and very friendly. We had done all our research before getting him and I was up for the waking up and the walks. We also had a trainer who started with him in January and now takes him for walks every week with other dogs. We are working from home and the pup is the best. For his breed, does not bark, whines a bit if he is alone/we leave him to go to another room, but settles down quickly. He is almost house trained, doesn’t need to go overnight (last outing at 10:45pm and then at 7am), no more chewing of everything under the sun, no more biting, walks well (lots of sniffing and staring but no more jumping unless someone wants to play), happy with other humans and dogs. Been to the groomer for a puppy groom. Ok with household and outside noises. In short, he is brilliant. We have now had him for 2 months. He is 4 months old. My partner and DC enjoy having him around. The problem is I don’t. His presence in the house fills me with dread and anxiety. I go out for walks and dread coming home. He obviously doesn’t know. Always come to sit by me.
Will this go away? I am unable to sleep at night at the prospect of living with this sense of dread for the next 15 years. We have booked him to go to day care from next month to help break up the day and so I can get on with my work. Day care was always the plan.
Anyone who has been in this position and has it got better? I can’t blame the pup; he is amazing. He is not destructive. He is friendly and very sweet natured.
I have actually started thinking maybe I should look to re-home him. I haven’t discussed with my partner and daughter. My daughter would be upset but I think my partner may be able to understand given my nature. I am a worrier and tend to overthink things.
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I feel guilty that he will be living with someone who doesn’t enjoy him or want to be with him. If rehoming is the best thing to do for the pup, what is the best way to do it? I can speak to the breeder but I suspect they will happily sell him on.
Thank you for reading.

Have you had pets before? I got two cats in Oct after a long break with no cats and was surprised to find myself thinking alot about the restrictions they brought around going away, having to either be about or arrange to feed them etc and cats are less restrictive than dogs. I'm now back into the swing of having pets and wouldn't change them for the world but I did have days of 'what have I done?'

You might be better addressing the root cause of your anxiety, sense of dread and over thinking. What are you anxious about? What are your exact thoughts when you are over thinking? For the wee dogs sake (as well as your DD) would it not be worth trying that first before you make the leap to rehome him?

I agree you need to address the root of your anxiety because puppy is possibly having it misdirected. It's been a strange year, there could be other reasons. That said puppy blues is a known thing, lots of articles online re that and good advice.

It's still early days and a huge change, I would be looking into the anxiety first. What happens, for example, if you rehome and it continues. You worry about what you did, was it the right decision, is puppy ok, will Dd get over it, etc etc.

What is it you're anxious about?

Puppies are very time consuming and a big commitment in terms of time and money - is that what you're concerned about?

You don’t say why you are anxious about it? What exactly are you worried about? Then maybe we can help more? I will say though, it’s not uncommon at all to feel this way. Lots of people feel overwhelmed with a new dog. It may ease with time...

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. Addressing the root cause of my anxiety could help. That’s a longer work on progress. I have been a lot more anxious, worried and generally morbid (for want of a better word) since a bereavement almost 10 years ago. I overthink everything: day to day routine, my work, worrying about things going wrong. I need control over things or at least a semblance of knowing what will happen and what I can do. So in my case, I over think to prepare for the routine as well as worst case scenario (I have plenty). My DC and DH are both very chilled out and very kind to me - wonder for how much longer.
You are correct, that I could end up overthinking the decision if we were to rehome the pup and feel guilty and terrible. And I am sure the worry vacuum left by the pup would soon be taken over by something else. I am feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility, which I think is normal from all that I have read. But I didn’t feel this way with my DC. I didn’t want her to go away or give her up. Despite doing everything for the pup and him being so loving, I have not bonded with him. I cannot bring myself to make eye contact with him without feeling guilty as I don’t love him. That is probably making me anxious about living with someone I don’t feel any affection towards. I will always take care of him and do what is right by him. Reminds me of caring for extended family you don’t love but do out of a sense of duty.
In this case, as someone above said, it’s a wee pup who deserves better. Hence the thoughts about rehoming. I have had this thought since Sunday and every time I think of coming home to a pup free home, I feel lighthearted. But I worry about where he will go, what my family will say, what extended family and friends will say.
It’s been a strange year. That obviously doesn’t help.
Thank you again.

What I am struggling with is not knowing whether this will pass and I will get to love the pup. If not, then I will only be more miserable and resentful of him and the space he takes in our life. It would be even more unfair to consider rehoming him at that later stage. So do I do that now or wait and hope that this will pass. It’s only been 9 weeks with him but it has always been like this from the beginning. I kept hoping it will get better but it hasn’t. Would love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar. Thank you.

The puppy blues are a real thing!
Plus you also say you have felt a bit like this for years. Maybe time to contact the GP.
Spending time walking and grooming and playing with your pup and training builds a bond and should all help.
Why did you get a pup OP? Can you remember?

OP have you had any therapy or counselling? I agree that tackling the root cause of your feelings is key here. I suspect they’re just being projected onto the puppy situation, rather than being caused by him.

I wouldn’t make any rash decisions about rehoming until you’ve made a stab at tackling the deeper issues. And I’d suggest a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor or CBT to start with.

Good luck - it’s awful having to live feeling the way you do now, but with good therapy it can and will get better

It sounds like the puppy is the current hook to hang your anxieties on. Getting help with the anxiety rather than rehoming the pup seems a more constructive way to go.

You don’t have to love him, it’s ok for that to take time.

Thank you for reading. We got the puppy as we always wanted to have a dog. We planned to get a pup about 3 years ago and starting dog sitting for a friends and family. I am a first time dog owner but I have been around dogs and every one I know love their dogs. I had these visions of us cuddling on the sofa (which he would be very happy to do). I believed he would help with my anxiety and worries, that I would enjoy walking him and spending time with him. But he has added to my worries. I don’t want to cuddle him. Right now, I think I should, out of guilt because he would love it, then I hold myself back because I don’t want to get him upset (in case we rehome him).

I don't want to be too 'amateur psychologist' but it sounds like you're scared to love the pup (maybe related to bereavement) but also scared you're 'not good enough' for the pup either (not loving him enough). I think you're holding yourself back from bonding while at the same time you're being over-perfectionist about what a 'bond' looks like. Many people happily rub along with their dog for years and years without feeling a big gushy 'love'.

Is the dog supposed to be 'your' dog? is there a pressure for that to be the case? or could he be your dh's or dd's as 'main bond'?

Dog is supposed to be a family pet that we all wanted. I was happy to be the main carer on the basis that we would get external help (dog walkers, day care), all of which is in place. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford that and he has a good home.
Good to hear that you can rub along with the dog without feeling “love”. That’s reassuring.

Pup has three humans in his life and sounds very well cared for. He's happy in his doggie world and won't be bothered by you not loving him etc. Dogs perceive direct eye contact as CS quite aggressive, so you not making eye contact will be fine by him.
Maybe try thinking about the fact that you have given your dog a good home where he is warm, fed, exercised etc. You are doing everything that he needs you to do. The emotional input is far less important to the dog than it is to you.

I experienced a strong emotional reaction when we got our puppy. As you describe, the practical aspects weren't a problem, but I think the change in the family dynamic hit me emotionally in a way I wasn't expecting. I was incredibly sad that what had always been our little family of three had changed forever.

All I can say for myself is that the feelings did wear off, but gradually. I loved going for walks on my own with the dog and taking him to group training, so I kept reminding myself how much good it was doing me personally to have him. I just had to get used to the new shape of the family and that got easier as the dog settled in and we all grew to love him.

I don't know if this is helpful for you but I hope you feel better soon

Right now, I think I should, out of guilt because he would love it, then I hold myself back because I don’t want to get him upset (in case we rehome him).

I think if you cuddle him, stroke him and play with him, do some training with him, and then cuddle him some more, the bond will come naturally.

You are holding yourself back from him for some reason unrelated to him.

You don't have to be the person who gives the dog the deepest bond. But you definitely can be that person, if you will allow yourself.

Cuddling him now will make no difference to him if you did rehome him. Dogs live in the moment. Make these moments lovely for you both by cuddling him!

Excellent post from @NoSquirrels

Sounds like the pup has triggered you. Let yourself love him. You’ll be rewarded if you let yourself go. But also I think you could look into some meds for your anxiety.

I completely understand where you are coming from and can reassure you that it really DOES pass. I have had two dogs in my life and I hated the puppy stage. I was overwhelmed with the responsibility for them and felt exhausted from worrying about them all the time. It felt like a mini invasion into my life and yet I had been the one who wanted the puppies both times. I was also slightly resentful of how the rest of the family just enjoyed them and yet I just had the worry part. However, once the dogs were trained and calmer, fully grown etc and I had acclimatised myself to them being around, I have absolutely loved them. My second dog is now 14 and my constant companion, she goes wherever I go and I can't imagine life without her.

Do cuddle and pet him, the better you know him then the quicker this stage will pass and you'll start feeling better.

Thank you very much for your responses. I am so grateful that so many of you have responded. I will give it time. Good point about me feeling emotionally invested and exhausted v the pup living in the moment.
I am not on any meds. I haven’t spoken to a GP about how I feel as I tend to keep it under control. I need time to myself sometimes to come to terms with it. I don’t get that now. Will change once the pup starts daycare. Thank you again everyone.

I'm not the only one thinking "what the hell was I thinking??"
It took my H 5 months to convince me to get a kitten. I have never had any inside pets, only outdoor cats that came 2-3 days maybe and even that was a very long time ago.

My specific issue is:
I don't understand behavior and body language of a pet. So I get scared and jumpy if kitten is just fooling around. I get apprehensive if I don't see what she is doing. She;s been with us for 2 weeks now and things are getting better. Once she learnt that she can't jump on me, has to slow down, sit and miau if she wants attention and hugs we seem to be getting along. But for the night we have a makeshift cat-gate because I could not sleep if I knew that at any moment the cat could come in.

I'd say that you should try to get to the bottom of what makes you feel uneasy around pup and then make the decision.

I figured out what I'm scared of, made plans to deal with it and agreed with H that there is a 1 months period when we review how I feel. If I don't change and still feel anxious then the kitten -as lovely as she is- will have to go.
So far, she is staying though :)

It’s just a shitty time for most people and puppies are a huge amount of work, but it WILL get easier and your bond will hopefully get better with time. I had a friend who got a new pup last year (long time dog owner so knew the score) and she just wasn’t feeling it, a year in and they can not be separated. He’s turned in to the most amazing dog and they wouldn’t be without him but several times she talked about wishing she had never got him. I’m sure things will change, but I’m the meantime maybe focus of yourself. Lots of love to you and positive vibes!

We rehomed our puppy from a woman who sounds very similar to you - that is, she gave almost the exact reasons for rehoming. (anxiety and not being able to relax with the puppy there).

I will say that her partner and children were obviously very upset at giving the puppy up and I almost didn't take her because I felt so bad for them. But I think they had made the decision based on you're only as happy as the unhappiest member of the family. And the mum was v unhappy, for whatever reason.

(The puppy is a dream btw, so it was totally not about her and everyday we think we are so lucky to have her).

I offered to keep in touch with the family but they didn't want to so I can't say how it played out after, but I just wanted to say that others have felt like this.

Thank you for sharing your experience SunisStillShining. In our case, everyone loves the pup except me. I am working at the moment and he is resting on the floor by my chair. DC and DH are in other rooms working / on line schooling. If he wasn’t here, would my life be very different? Not really. I wouldn’t wake up at 7am (hardly early), I could do more solo longer walks and I would have more flexibility to hang out with me (I miss being alone; the time I get on my own, I worry about how the others are with the pup and if they are doing things my way or else I feel guilty as I am so glad to not be with him).
I do miss my time with my DC. We used to do things together. But she is growing older and wants to be on her own more. I don’t know if all of this is also affecting me. Too many changes + the lockdown and same old same old work from home as opposed to the break that working in the office and seeing other people.
I see our pup and see responsibility and obligation only. No joy. And this makes me anxious. I know that if I struggle and we are forced to give him up, my DC will be very upset. DH less so as he can be very objective and rationale and at the end of the day, he has to deal with my obsessive worrying and needing to talk and figure things out. His main concern would be welfare of the pup and mine. I am also worried about the impact on my DC and what the takeaway from this will be: that we give up on someone we commit to? Or that we are honest enough to admit to issues and mistakes and do what is right by everyone?

I would like to think that we have given the pup an amazing start to life (compared to where he came from). So if we decide as a family that he may be happier with someone who enjoys and loves his company as much as he loves theirs, as opposed to being sent to day care and dog walkers, I think he will be fine as he has only had positive experiences with us.
Thank you.

I would also say that you say in your post that you "do everything" for the dog - and you have other family members. So you can allow them to do a bit more!

I do understand that the responsibility is a bit overwhelming, it's totally a normal feeling. But cuddling can only make things lovely for you both. Allow the sofa, live the dream!

I see our pup and see responsibility and obligation only. No joy. And this makes me anxious

At the start, puppies can be the limiting side of dog ownership, because you can't walk them much, and you worry about their training and everything. And it's a massive change to your household dynamic. And sometimes just the "I am here, lying by you and waiting..." can feel a bit intense! (It's not for the dog, though - they're OK, just snoozing by you, they're not really experiencing the emotion you think they are that you're projecting onto them.)

But when they get bigger, they can come on every walk. They enhance things rather than restrict it. At the moment your life is ALL restrictions - homeschool, puppy, lockdown. It's going to get warmer, the sun will shine and things will feel different.

I sympathise, my DC are getting to the "I'd rather spend all my time in my room" stage. But my dog would love to spend all her time with me

the time I get on my own, I worry about how the others are with the pup and if they are doing things my way or else I feel guilty as I am so glad to not be with him

You don't need to feel guilty about not being with the dog. Really. It is still OK to enjoy a solo walk, you know. I really enjoy a holiday where we leave the dog with someone else - it's liberating not to have to factor her in to whether we can visit that beach or stay all day at that place and eat inside not outside and whatever. But I also enjoy a holiday where I can take her and explore a new area. It's OK to enjoy both.