Living with puppy making me anxious and miserable

[RainDanceMaggie]

We got a gorgeous maltipoo boy end of last year. He is simply amazing. Very clever, slept through the night from the first night. Chilled out, confident and very friendly. We had done all our research before getting him and I was up for the waking up and the walks. We also had a trainer who started with him in January and now takes him for walks every week with other dogs. We are working from home and the pup is the best. For his breed, does not bark, whines a bit if he is alone/we leave him to go to another room, but settles down quickly. He is almost house trained, doesn’t need to go overnight (last outing at 10:45pm and then at 7am), no more chewing of everything under the sun, no more biting, walks well (lots of sniffing and staring but no more jumping unless someone wants to play), happy with other humans and dogs. Been to the groomer for a puppy groom. Ok with household and outside noises. In short, he is brilliant. We have now had him for 2 months. He is 4 months old. My partner and DC enjoy having him around. The problem is I don’t. His presence in the house fills me with dread and anxiety. I go out for walks and dread coming home. He obviously doesn’t know. Always come to sit by me.
Will this go away? I am unable to sleep at night at the prospect of living with this sense of dread for the next 15 years. We have booked him to go to day care from next month to help break up the day and so I can get on with my work. Day care was always the plan.
Anyone who has been in this position and has it got better? I can’t blame the pup; he is amazing. He is not destructive. He is friendly and very sweet natured.
I have actually started thinking maybe I should look to re-home him. I haven’t discussed with my partner and daughter. My daughter would be upset but I think my partner may be able to understand given my nature. I am a worrier and tend to overthink things.
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I feel guilty that he will be living with someone who doesn’t enjoy him or want to be with him. If rehoming is the best thing to do for the pup, what is the best way to do it? I can speak to the breeder but I suspect they will happily sell him on.
Thank you for reading.

@RainDanceMaggie
I get your point. I think it's a pet. Not your child or aunt, etc. Treat the situation at face value, and don't put extra emotional guilt over it.
I think a whole family's well-being is the most important. As soon as 1 out of the family group feels "out" then the family will break apart eventually. And I don't think a pet is worth this.
(and no I'm not harsh or heartless, but I also don't see a pet as "my child" either).

So be rational and honest. With DC too. We told our son (15*) about the 1 months grace period. Because of this he is withholding a bit from getting too emotionally invested into the kitten. And I am a bit sorry, but he is starting to bond as he sees that the kitten is 95% here to stay.

*I'd bet that my H's wanting a pet came from a similar place of kid growing up, not being cuddly kid any more....

@RainDanceMaggie

Dog is supposed to be a family pet that we all wanted. I was happy to be the main carer on the basis that we would get external help (dog walkers, day care), all of which is in place. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford that and he has a good home. Good to hear that you can rub along with the dog without feeling “love”. That’s reassuring.

100% this. I got a rescue dog 5 years ago, much wanted but to be honest I probably wouldn't do it if I had my time over. It is restrictive, it is an added responsibility and expense and he can be very annoying, barking etc. I am fond of him, will cuddle him, like to see him happy and take care of his welfare but I don't feel this overwhelming love others speak of about their dogs. We just rub along together and I don't try to make myself feel something I 'should' feel - which frankly is something I see more on Mumsnet than I see in real life. I think you are anxious about the puppy and how he impacts your life but maybe just as anxious about not bonding with the puppy as you feel you should. I would just relax about the latter, it may or not build over time but in the meantime you are a good and conscientious owner and more to the point, your partner and daughter do love him. My children would never forgive me if I re-homed our dog so partly my keeping him and doing things for him is an act of love for them as much as the dog.

I think it is the anxiety, not the dog.
Dogs are very restrictive, and like babies, there are so many things you have to "give up" once you have them, however much you organise things. It doesn't matter if babies sleep, if people have help with housekeeping, childcare, lots of financial security, it is fact that plenty of mothers feel depressed and anxious despite all these mitigating factors.
Because your emotions go through the spin cycle, you are thinking 24/7 about the welfare of a small vulnerable creature. I found I very much disassociated for the first few weeks, I knew my job was to look after the puppy and defend him from danger, but I couldn't really see how adorable and what fun he was. But as spring came, and I took him out more, enjoyed sitting with him on the sofa, saw all his energy and reactions to things, his trust, my heart melted, and I was at last besotted with him.
It takes a while, I would stop thinking of puppy as a task but start thinking what he adds, even if it just to make your DD happy? I think kids learn so much from having animals in the house even if they don't technically look after them, and I speak from bitter experience (DD doesn't walk our two year old poodle mix small breed, but she still just loves him)

Have you checked on your own health? I was hypothyroid, and vitamin D deficient for years without realising it, and suffered from tiredness and anxiety as a result. It was a simple to treat, and I was so cross to think for years I had had pyschological issues relating to a easily remediable underlying HEALTH problem. Being out for walks and getting fresh air and sunshine is medicine for me now on many levels.

I think you have got a dog for your family's sake without giving thought to whether you want one or not. I would never get a dog because I don't like the loss of independence it entails having a dog, the chaos, extra work, going to the park twice a day, social embarrassment when they invade peoples' picnics. I could go on. I like looking at other people's dogs playing happily in the park and can appreciate why others love to keep them, but I know it would not be right for me.

All this stuff about 'hanging your anxiety' on the dog, is ignoring the fact that you are clearly anxious about the dog! I think either you need to do as @Nettleskeins does and care for your dog as an act of love for your family or rehome. If you're not into dogs, you are not going to wake up one morning and find you've changed!

But people don't re-home their babies when they get PND, do they? It can genuinely be a stage in your life when you don't feel the love, but you get through it by faking it for a few months. Just looking after a living thing, people tend to find themselves "warming up"....
OP doubts herself, but she is doing nothing wrong to wait a bit.
My sister had a large shaggy rescue dog she hated, for the children, and her husband sake. Within about a year the dog was devoted to her ( as she did all the work for it) and she became very attached to it, but still has some ambivalent emotions ( to do with dog hair)Dog has been there ten years now, it ws so worth it, but it has been a bit of a journey for her.

What Maggie said....

Sorry, what the leaf said, not Maggie!

Bear in mind that a lot of people anthropomorphize dogs. As long as he is well cared for and given attention it doesn't actually matter to him if you love him or not. Dogs don't love in the human sense of the word. They are pack animals and get attached to family members and behave in a certain way because it's instinct to do so. Which owners interpret as love.

Once you get the mindset that this gush of love and bonding isn't necessary, that might reduce your anxiety and allow you to actually bond with him.

I never have baby animals any more they are an awful lot of work.
I prefer adult cats. We had kittens once and it was exhausting always worrying about them and what they were up to while we were at work.
Adult cats are just so much easier and you just know they will have been asleep all day.
Dogs are a huge responsibility at the best of times.

Thank you all.
Nettleskins: Yes that was my thinking and guilt - that you don’t give up your kids. But I am also aware of a family member who is struggling with motherhood and is not very nice to her young kids which is causing all round hurt and anger in the wider family.
I need to voice my concerns with my DC and DH and we need to discuss the impact on me of keeping the pup and on them if we rehome him. The more I read and see (he has just gone with the dog Walker, tail wagging and not even looking back), he will be fine provided he goes to a family or person that will keep him for good. I know there are no guarantees. I will talk to the trainer as well as he is very good with him and has been a huge support. I will also talk to the vet. The longer I keep him and it doesn’t work for me, the harder it will be to give him up. He won’t be affected as he will be having an amazing life. I may not be.

I think before you talk to your DH, you really need to be clear in yourself why you feel anxious. How is the anxiety manifesting itself?

Because at the moment whilst you don't feel "joy" in your pup's company, you also don't seem to feel actual distress.

If it's worry about how the pup is when you are away from them, that is manageable by CBT-type training as you can remind your mind that the pup is safely cared for by others.

If it's that you're avoiding being with the dog, because of not feeling bonded, then you can address that by spending time doing more bonding activities, faking it till you make it.

If it's generalised anxiety that the shape of life has changed by introducing a dog, then I think you would need to give that a bit of time - to see if lockdown easing and the pup getting bigger and daycare etc helps - and also perhaps get a bit of counselling to examine your feelings.

At the moment, going off what you've written on this thread, you are doing A LOT of examining of worst case what-if-I-never-feel-different feelings and focusing on that. What happens if you imagine a future where you DO feel differently about the dog, and he is fulfilling that fantasy that you had of being an enjoyable addition to your family? Could you focus on that instead?

Thank you NoSquirrels.
I have been focusing on the family (doing it for DC) and trying to imagine a future where this all settles down and he adds to our life as opposed to taking away from mine. That is what has kept me going since about early Jan when I realised that I was not able to enjoy the pup or relax.
I am anxious about being responsible for him. Not that DC or DH can’t care for him but function of habit and my nature, I need to be in control. I need things to be in a certain way. I am trying to remember what it was like when my DC was a baby. I think I was at work in the office and on auto pilot at home. It helped that I bonded instantly with DC who was a nightmare baby and didn’t sleep through the night until nursery. But I wanted to be with her and resented work when I had to work late or weekends. I ended up changing jobs for her. To be with her more.
Now I am at home and I can’t switch off from either work or home and I don’t enjoy being at home and being responsible for the pup and other stuff at home (on line schooling and running the house). My time had freed up over the last year as my DC is older which is why we thought we could take the plunge now and invest in something we could all enjoy and cherish. We also talked to other new dog owner friends to get their experiences. Everyone we spoke to was happy. No one had any regrets or puppy blues. I feel like I can’t talk to people in real life about this as everyone loves their dog and having met ours on walks, adores him!

The anxiety manifests itself in me not being able to eat or sleep. I am up at night with knots in my tummy and headaches from this all. I am trying to break it down into compartments and work out what we can do. In short, I am not able to be in the now. I look at the pup and go did we make a mistake, should we give him up, then panic about how to go about the latter. The more I think about it, I think I will be relieved to see him go. I don’t feel great saying that. But I need to be honest with myself.

I am anxious about being responsible for him. Not that DC or DH can’t care for him but function of habit and my nature, I need to be in control. I need things to be in a certain way.

What is it about the puppy that you feel is not in your control? How do you need it to be - what exactly is it that the puppy is preventing?

I hope that doesn't sound aggressively direct? It's just that from your posts I get this overwhelming sense that you are anxious, but no real cause you ca pinpoint about what the puppy is doing to create this anxiety in you.

The anxiety manifests itself in me not being able to eat or sleep. I am up at night with knots in my tummy and headaches from this all. I am trying to break it down into compartments and work out what we can do. In short, I am not able to be in the now. I look at the pup and go did we make a mistake, should we give him up, then panic about how to go about the latter.

This does sound terrible. And I agree you need to address it. But I do wonder if the problem is more with your coping strategy for stress than it is for the puppy.

Your puppy is sweet natured, training well, you have tons of support from a trainer and dog walker and he'll start doggy daycare. He doesn't sound massively demanding - but perhaps you just haven't mentioned that?

The lack of being able to relax - why do you think this is? What was the difference when the puppy wasn't in the house - what did you do to relax then and why is the puppy being in the house preventing that? Are you worried he'll get hurt, or start to behave badly if you don't pay him enough attention? Does it feel like a burden only you are carrying - and is that a justified thing, do your DH and DC need to do more?

You just sound overwhelmingly focused on giving up the puppy rather than treating the root cause of the anxiety, which doesn't sound as if it stems from the puppy at all, but has been triggered by the puppy.

I get it, I really do....there are so many things (not pets or kids though ironically) that have made me feel this way.
Usually it is social anxiety for me...people coming round and seeing my messy house, or travel...worrying about leaving house and locking up. I would give anything to "Cancel" in these situations. For guests to tell me they aren't coming, for deadlines to move, for holidays to be cancelled.
It is so severe the anxiety that one is filled with sheer happiness at the thought of the anxiety inducing thing leaving the building.

But the anxiety exists outside this "cause". And you do have to tackle it or at least think it through, or it will hit again...and it won't leave you so neatly.

I've had to learn to have people round to meals, to leave my kids with babysitters, watch them perform in concerts, drive down the road, to lock the door and go on holiday. It sounds ridiculous, especially now that we can't do any of these things and we miss them so! But it was real to me, the knots, the tension, the shame of it.

Be kind to yourself OP, no need to be "brave", but be kind to yourself and let the other people in your family listen to your fears, and it will get better, puppy going to a new home or not.
You are the most important person here, not the puppy, and you need someone to listen to your fears and support you in general.

Nettleskeins - Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Thank you to everyone on this post for reading all my posts and trying to help.

Would it help to think of the puppy as something that is on spec for the next year and then rethink? If as you say, you meet all these people who love their dogs so much, there will be a truly respectable home for your lo if after a year it isn't sustainable to keep it? Someone who wants your dog and you know and trust the household. 15 years may be what is triggering you...what about just one year to start with?

That’s a very good suggestion Nettleskeins. You are correct. An end date may help with my need to have control / to know what is happening. And I may be happier just with that change in thinking.
I have already planned what I will do if something happened to my DH. That’s my nature. Sadly. He laughs at me. But that’s how I cope. May not work to plan. That’s life. As I am realising.

I absolutely adore my pup but definitely feel a bit like you in some ways. I feel so tied, even though I knew that would be the case, because he cries so much when I leave him I can't see that I can ever leave the house without having someone here to watch him etc. We do go on short holidays and I was hoping my parents could have him but he's not even fully house trained yet (we won't be going away till at least the summer but it still is stressing me out)

I think it is down to how overwhelming everything is, the constant worry of them especially when they are small. I am hoping this all gets better in time. I do know others who felt the same.

It does sound like an accumulation of worries for you

Thank you PugInTheHouse. I wish I loved my pup. That makes all the difference; that you adore your pup whereas I tolerate mine. I hope this passes. He is now back on the floor next to me work station. Poor wee pup. No fault of his.

I am not sure it matters, I genuinely think people have very different feelings towards animals though, some people treat them like babies, some purely as animals. I don't think you have to feel like you adore him. lp, Maybe having some cuddles with him could help, even if you did have to rehome him giving him cuddles wouldn't make a difference to the pup but it may do to you?

You sound lovely, you are looking after him brilliantly, I wish pugpup was as well behaved. I have had many a time where I have wondered what the hell I've done.

Thank you. When we got him, we couldn’t believe how chilled out he was. He is not scared or sensitive to sounds or people. He was ok to sleep on his own. Open to new experiences. I was expecting at least a couple of sleepless nights. I barely slept the first night; he was knocked out. He also took to the pee pads really fast. Made up for the over 3 sleepless years when my DC was little. Trainer says he is amazing. Clever and quick to pick up stuff. Now when we walk, he doesn’t jump on people. Only when they are friendly with him. He still wants to play with other dogs and isn’t scared of bigger dogs. Ok with household noises, vacuum, cooking, ok with storms and howling wind (January), fireworks (Chinese new year), sirens, rubbish vans, bikes, buses. We walk on pavements in the neighbourhood. We walk on main roads. We go to parks. Trainer says his recall is very good (gets a bag worth of treats), plays well with other dogs and is generally very happy. This makes it all the more difficult to admit that I am not enjoying this experience.

@RainDanceMaggie

Thank you PugInTheHouse. I wish I loved my pup. That makes all the difference; that you adore your pup whereas I tolerate mine. I hope this passes. He is now back on the floor next to me work station. Poor wee pup. No fault of his.

The thing is, though... your pup knows you love him! That’s why he’s sitting next to you. You don’t need to feel sorry for him, he’s not a “poor wee pup” he’s a “jolly lucky pup”.

Your experience of the emotion of love is not his. He ‘loves’ you because you feed him, you’re kind to him and take care of his needs and reward him so he ‘loves’ you. He knows you ‘love’ him because you feed him and take care of his needs and reward him. As far as he’s concerned, there’s nothing missing at all.

For you though the lack of ‘love’ is a problem - but give yourself a chance. And remove any guilt you’re holding on behalf of the puppy - he really, really isn’t lacking anything.

My dog loves me ‘the most’ - most of the time (exceptions for anyone offering food, she’s very greedy!) But she ‘loves me the most’ because I put the most in to her care, I am consistent. I love her back in a ridiculous, different way because I name my emotions about her ‘love’ but really I know this relationship is not equal on both sides, IYSWIM.

You sound like a lovely caring person doing all the right things but struggling with your emotions.

I really hope you can find peace - but whatever happens don’t feel guilt on behalf of your dog because it’s lacking nothing. (Except possibly sofa snoozy cuddles, but I am told - shockingly - that not all dogs get those as standard )

Hi OP, I have similar anxiety issues to you, also stemming from several bereavements over the past 12 years so I very much understand.

We got a pup in October-she was much wanted (I’d wanted a dog since childhood etc). However, I found my anxieties really took the joy away from the experience. There were other issues too so not entirely the same as your situation-we have a cat who was becoming very distressed with the pup, child with SEN who was scared of her, massive issues with biting and no puppy classes due to lockdown etc. Pup was a breed that grew big v quickly which didn’t help with a lot of the issues.

Anyway, things got so bad that I began to dread getting up in the morning, didn’t want to come home after being out of the house etc. People were saying things would improve when she was 3 which filled me with horror!! So we had to decide whether to plough on or return her.

We did end up returning her a couple of weeks ago. Definitely the best decision for us as a family but in our case, DH wanted to return her too (and I think DD with SEN did) so it wasn’t just down to me. Can’t speak for you of course, but I just wanted to offer my experience as I know there’s a lot of judgement online when people return pups but in real life, everyone has been totally supportive. Pup is back with the breeder who is going to keep her and I know she is very much loved there with doggy play mates etc. From our point of view, we have our house back, cat is back to normal, kids are relaxed again and my MH is improving (have suffered yet another bereavement since she’s gone back and I’m just so relieved she’s not here so I can grieve without having to deal with her too).

Good luck with whatever you choose

I have 4 dogs and have had 7 over my adult life. A couple of puppies of varying ages, some adult dogs. One elderly one. Without fail, I have felt like you for the first few months. Worried that I didn’t love them, thinking I’d made a mistake. And then one day (different day with each of them) I looked at them one day and felt that rush of love. I adore them all now, even the barky badly behaved one! If I was you, I’d give it some more time, get some space and headspace away from the house, homeschooling at work. Even a half hour/hour walk alone can do it, and I would seek some help from the GP. You don’t have to feel so anxious, better days are on their way x

RetrieveMySanity: thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am so glad to hear it has worked out well for your family and your pup

Just to say that I had a very honest conversation with my lovely dog Walker who was amazing. He was the first person in real life that I articulated this too. He was surprised, but kind and understanding. He always thought my pup was amazing and lucky to have me! He has offered that he can keep him for a couple of weekends to see if that helps me figure out what I want to do. He is also open to keeping her but he needs to figure some things out. Anyway, taking her for the weekends is such a thoughtful and beyond generous offer. We are going to try starting this weekend and see how I feel. I am already feeling so relieved to have had this conversation and the prospect of a pup free weekend. He says I may change my mind, you never know. I am glad that, if all goes well, pup will stay with us because I want him to or he pup will be with a person he knows and adores.
Thank you everyone for listening. You are all simply amazing, kind and generous. Thank you.