Know it’s time - tomorrow - and am heartbroken.

[Baybetterdays]

My beautiful 11 year old boy is struggling with end stage arthritis. It is heartbreaking. I spoke with my vet twice last week about scheduling in a ‘planned’ euthanasia at home, but he rallied so I decided to give it the weekend. As always happens, on Saturday night he was obviously struggling with his leg, he’s been up and down since and I’ve got a standby appt at emergency vet hospital and am sleeping downstairs with him just in case. Vet hospital said it seems fair enough get him through to tomorrow morning while he’s sleeping well etc, so my vet can come to the house.

He’s eating, drinking, and valiantly barking at the postman today, and has been out for a bimble - but has had a bit of an upset tum which is complicating things. He’s already on a huge cocktail of drugs and we’ve upped the doses to the sort of numbers he couldn’t survive on for long anyway, to keep him calm and comfortable overnight.

It’s just me and him. He’s got me through so much, been around the world with me, and I’m absolutely devastated already - and he’s still here. I’m taking endless photos and checking on him constantly and it just seems unbelievable and incomprehensible that tomorrow he’ll be gone.

But he’s struggling, we’re perilously close to the line where he has no dignity or his QOL is unacceptable, and I really want to avoid an emergency vet dash if he becomes unable to walk at all. So I’ll be calling tomorrow and he’ll be gone this time tomorrow. It’s so unreal. He’s so alive, even though he’s a shadow of the dog he used to be he’s still there. Please tell me in time this gets better - or maybe that there’ll even be some relief that he’s not in pain anymore.

I’m on edge and slept about 2hrs last night and had horrible nightmares about him, unrelated to the euthanasia but still. I know this is the kindest thing and that it is time to love him more than myself, but I’m railing against how unfair it is to die of joint failure when his system is otherwise ok, his mind is still alert etc. I will miss him an indescribable amount and simply cannot imagine an empty house.

[loobylou44]

@Baybetterdays when you feel up to it I'd love to see a photo of your boy x

[notapizzaeater]

Hope today goes as well as it can do, we had to have our dog pts last Tuesday and it so painful but was the best option for him.

[Grandmi]

Sending you lots of positive energy for today. It’s the bravest and kindest decision you will have had to make for your beautiful doggie.💐

[IncrediblySadToo]

(((big hugs)))

I hope you're holding up ok. I'm sobbing, for you, for me, for everyone who understands the pain. I have NO emotional resilience left these days.

Doing the right thing shouldn't hurt this much.

((((More Big Hugs))))

[Baybetterdays]

Everyone

You have no idea how much your posts help to read. He had the perfect death and whilst it doesn’t feel entirely real, it was absolutely the right thing.

We spent the morning hanging in the garden, he was stiff and sore. I told him I would fix his pain and let him sleep and he put his paw on my chest and licked my face. I left him in peace snoozing in the sun and did my crying away from him.

The vet rang 10 min before coming and so I sat next to his bed (he was inside by then) and told him how very much I loved him and that he had been the most special, handsome boy and I would carry him with me. I somehow held it together so he just snorted his approval and went back to sleep.

When the vet came he got up, limping badly but wagging at the visitors. I fed him an entire pack of cut up roast chicken breasts as he lay in that ‘alert all fours’ position. He paid next to no attention to the shaving and insertion of the canula - he made us laugh as the canula went in as he decided I was giving the chicken far too slowly so stuck his head in the entire pack.

He died with chicken to spare, bits all over the floor, and during the prep was chowing down noisily as I told the vet nurse where we’d been and the life he’d had. There were no tears til his heart stopped and I think my last words were ‘yes good boy that’s your favourite, yum’ or something equally silly. He didn’t know a thing about it and was entirely distracted. He died as he lived - scoffing.

I took him to the crematorium myself in the end having thought about it this morning and talked to him all the way. He looked fast asleep in his bed in the car boot - embarrassed to say I got the vet to check he was really dead before she left. I had a good cry (shocked at the force of it) then drove the 20 mins talking to him and telling him he’d love the place (it’s in a village, lots of green). I put him in the crematorium bed with the help of the owner, sorted everything out and asked for 5 mins for a final goodbye. But I didn’t need it - he was gone, and it was like kissing a beautiful lab teddy bear - his ears had been warm before from the sun in the car but were going cold by then.

A good death, for my good, brave boy. I have no idea how I’ll get over him, but I really will carry him with me.

[Baybetterdays]

Bailey in his prime.

[snowballer]

What a beautiful dog. And he was clearly lucky to have you for a good life and then particularly right there with him at the end.

I have a 10 year old black lab and I loved your bit about him dying as he lived - scoffing. They're just the best dogs. I hope you're ok OP.

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

Sounds like you both supported each other to the very end op.
It's a surreal experience.. Like watching from above not being in it.
Run free handsome lad. No more pain for you.

[boymum9]

[AllNewThings]

What a heartbreaking post. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a lucky boy he was to have been so loved and to have felt your love right to the very end. Big hugs.

[doodleygirl]

How beautiful is Bailey. You were both so lucky to have had each other and a wonderful loved filled life.

[Wagsandclaws]

Oh I'm so very very sorry. I really bawled my eyes out at your beautiful description of his peaceful passing.

We have two labs and I just can't imagine life without them. I had this done for my 14 year old cat although I was crying so much I had to leave the room so my DH and oldest DS stayed with him.

It was time.

You did the very best for your boy and he looked beautiful - what a wonderful life OP. Rip Bailey.

[IncrediblySadToo]

What a beautiful boy!!!

'Died as he lived - scoffing' such a typical lab!!

You have been incredibly brave. So strong for Bailey. You stayed with him throughout, keeping him calm (and fed 😊)

I hope you're proud of yourself for today, you couldn't have done anything more to make it lovely for him. It was time, he trusted you & you did the right thing.

Unfortunately it still hurts a LOT. I hope you're able to deal with the grief as well as some people do, knowing you had a wonderful life together and he couldn't have asked for more.

Lots of love & hugs for you and Bailey
(((( 💕))))

[Ludo19]

The pain of losing a pet is indescribable. Unless you go through it no one fully understands. I lost one of my girls last January at 18 and her sister 10 months to the day in November at 19.

I too took my girls to the crematorium myself and found that a comfort.

Bailey is a handsome brave boy who will wait for you till it's time when you'll be reunited once more.

Grief has no limits.....cry till you have no more tears. Never feel guilt for being upset. You will find coping with it easier but you will never forget.

Tale care and I'm really so so sorry for your loss xxx

[aprilshowers2015]

I hope that when the time comes to say goodbye to my beautiful girl, she will know she was as loved as dear Bailey did and treated with the same respect and dignity. How wonderful for you both to have found each other and spent so many years together. "Grief doesn't last forever, but love does". Rest well sweet boy

[MsMarvellous]

How beautiful. He was a handsome boy with an amazing loving family. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

[eausolovely]

Sending you lots and lots of love today! Your darling boy will be in a happy place now and you did the right thing. Lots of hugs and kisses to you, hope you are doing as best you con xx

[EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide]

Sobbing like a total wally reading your update op, rip Bailey, gorgeous boy, what a send off, he was so lucky to have you

[Unforgettablefire]

I’m crying like a baby reading your story and all the comments from op’s.
It’s a pain like no other, it does get easier in time and it’s bloody rough but you did the right thing at the right time what a beautiful send off.
Sending you 💐 a virtual hug and love.

[Girlintheframe]

What a beautiful boy. I'm so sorry

[Alonelonelyloner]

I'm just weeping for you now reading today's post. Oh OP I'm sorry. You have done a wonderful and brave thing.
Much love and strength to you. You are marvellous. He had a wonderful mum.

[littlealexhorne]

That's such a gorgeous photo, RIP handsome Bailey. I'm so glad everything went smoothly and he got the calm and dignified ending he deserved (with lots of chicken of course!) - you were so strong for him. Sending lots of love and virtual hugs your way, I hope you're doing as well as is possible.

[Snaptheirfingers]

This so reminds me of losing my old girl last year. She had a wonderful life and some might find it weird to say but I do "a wonderful death". You gave Bailey everything. You gave him the leaving of this world he needed. My girl is still with me, when I go for a walk, when I'm alone in the car driving past her favourite haunts I talk to her, she talks back in her doggy voice.

[loobylou44]

@Baybetterdays Thankyou for sharing your story with us and the beautiful photo of your boy.

Rainbow Bridge....

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over together.

[loobylou44]

I found great comfort from the rainbow bridge poem that I quoted above. I hope you do too x