Know it’s time - tomorrow - and am heartbroken.

[Baybetterdays]

My beautiful 11 year old boy is struggling with end stage arthritis. It is heartbreaking. I spoke with my vet twice last week about scheduling in a ‘planned’ euthanasia at home, but he rallied so I decided to give it the weekend. As always happens, on Saturday night he was obviously struggling with his leg, he’s been up and down since and I’ve got a standby appt at emergency vet hospital and am sleeping downstairs with him just in case. Vet hospital said it seems fair enough get him through to tomorrow morning while he’s sleeping well etc, so my vet can come to the house.

He’s eating, drinking, and valiantly barking at the postman today, and has been out for a bimble - but has had a bit of an upset tum which is complicating things. He’s already on a huge cocktail of drugs and we’ve upped the doses to the sort of numbers he couldn’t survive on for long anyway, to keep him calm and comfortable overnight.

It’s just me and him. He’s got me through so much, been around the world with me, and I’m absolutely devastated already - and he’s still here. I’m taking endless photos and checking on him constantly and it just seems unbelievable and incomprehensible that tomorrow he’ll be gone.

But he’s struggling, we’re perilously close to the line where he has no dignity or his QOL is unacceptable, and I really want to avoid an emergency vet dash if he becomes unable to walk at all. So I’ll be calling tomorrow and he’ll be gone this time tomorrow. It’s so unreal. He’s so alive, even though he’s a shadow of the dog he used to be he’s still there. Please tell me in time this gets better - or maybe that there’ll even be some relief that he’s not in pain anymore.

I’m on edge and slept about 2hrs last night and had horrible nightmares about him, unrelated to the euthanasia but still. I know this is the kindest thing and that it is time to love him more than myself, but I’m railing against how unfair it is to die of joint failure when his system is otherwise ok, his mind is still alert etc. I will miss him an indescribable amount and simply cannot imagine an empty house.

[bodgeitandscarper]

Ahh it's totally normal, I think more so when you've seen it coming and held everything together during that time. There's nothing worse than the physical loss afterwards. I've lost plenty of much loved animals over the years and silly things like walking past a favourite treat in the supermarket can set me off in the early days. Bailey was a lucky boy to be so loved, many sadly aren't, and I'm certain that once the initial grief passes you will remember him with happiness and love.

[HearingMyOwnVoice]

Stumbled across this op but it's particularly poignant to me at the moment as it's 7 years ago on Friday since we lost our first dog.
One thing that really gave me comfort during the first dark days was that we knew we had done everything we could for him. He was loved and he had had all the medications that could help and when they were all at the top end of dosage and it wasn't working we knew it wouldn't be long.
That didn't make his actual passing any easier but it did absolve me from any residual guilt I might have felt. I hope you can take comfort in that.

[Baybetterdays]

@bodgeitandscarper Yes, I’ll definitely have to get another - I’m currently a dog owner without a dog, and it’s not right! I’ll have to stop crying first though - I’ve never cried this long and this hard before. Making tea - little cry. Look in the garden - sob. It’s been 3 hours and my face hurts. I thought it was supposed to make you feel better but it’s just producing more crying. I’m actually a bit worried this is not normal and feel like ringing someone to ask

[bodgeitandscarper]

I'm a long time lab owner, we always try to let them go exactly as you have done, a lab should go with the people he loves with him and food in their mouths. I currently have two old boys, and dreading having to say goodbye, but if they go like Bailey I'll be happy.
There'll never be another Bailey, but I hope you find another dog that will be equally special as they all are in their own way in time. I find another dog helps immensely with the loss, but appreciate we are all different.

[pumpkinpie01]

@Baybetterdays this is heartbreaking , reading through has made me sob. Our lab was pts in April , we had less than 3 hours to get used to the idea she was leaving us , she seemed a perfectly healthy dog the day before ( bloody cancer 😢). It's so so hard , your routine together , the cuddles, all the lovely walks just gone . I really feel for you, big big hugs xx

[Realitybites21]

Anyone who says they’re ‘just a dog’ has never had the fortune to experience a love like it.

They bulldoze their way in then the sudden silence is deafening.

[Baybetterdays]

Even the field looked right!

[Baybetterdays]

Thank you everyone. I’ve moved on from brave to guttural sobs putting (some) of his stuff away, and as I walked into the empty house I thought “well this isn’t going to work”.

So far I’ve made two neighbours, one close friend and a random dog walker cry, along with some of you guys. I’m sorry for that, but glad you love your lucky pets as much. I stopped on the drive home at the side of a cornfield he would have loved (younger) and like in a film, sat there quietly crying with the car door open so what would happen? Yes, a little white dog appeared to comfort me on a walk with her owner, who ended up wiping her eyes when I said ‘oh no, let her say hello, I just lost my boy’. She was a little tonic and I did allow myself the thought he sent her ( I have never been ‘woo’ before today!).

It’s the knowing I’ll never see him again that is making me randomly sob, but it stops when I remember the only way I would have seen him is limping, and I love him too much for that. I’ll be ok, he told me it was time, and I’m so grateful for him. It would have been much worse to never have him, so if this is the price I have to take it. He really was a ‘heart dog’ and I really hope I’ll find another, in time.

Thanks again everyone, there’s a fair bit of loud guttural sobbing coming around the routines, but it’s lovely to know people think it was right and I did the right thing. I’ll pay the price we all pay, cos there’s not much I wouldn’t have done for him - and he’d have followed me off a cliff, so today was the least I could do. It’s amazing how much we all love what some call ‘just a dog’. Thank you, to all of you who get it. My boy wasn’t just a dog, he was my dog. And I’m blessed to have had him.

[EwwSprouts]

[loobylou44]

I found great comfort from the rainbow bridge poem that I quoted above. I hope you do too x

[loobylou44]

@Baybetterdays Thankyou for sharing your story with us and the beautiful photo of your boy.

Rainbow Bridge....

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over together.

[Snaptheirfingers]

This so reminds me of losing my old girl last year. She had a wonderful life and some might find it weird to say but I do "a wonderful death". You gave Bailey everything. You gave him the leaving of this world he needed. My girl is still with me, when I go for a walk, when I'm alone in the car driving past her favourite haunts I talk to her, she talks back in her doggy voice.

[littlealexhorne]

That's such a gorgeous photo, RIP handsome Bailey. I'm so glad everything went smoothly and he got the calm and dignified ending he deserved (with lots of chicken of course!) - you were so strong for him. Sending lots of love and virtual hugs your way, I hope you're doing as well as is possible.

[Alonelonelyloner]

I'm just weeping for you now reading today's post. Oh OP I'm sorry. You have done a wonderful and brave thing.
Much love and strength to you. You are marvellous. He had a wonderful mum.

[Girlintheframe]

What a beautiful boy. I'm so sorry

[Unforgettablefire]

I’m crying like a baby reading your story and all the comments from op’s.
It’s a pain like no other, it does get easier in time and it’s bloody rough but you did the right thing at the right time what a beautiful send off.
Sending you 💐 a virtual hug and love.

[EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide]

Sobbing like a total wally reading your update op, rip Bailey, gorgeous boy, what a send off, he was so lucky to have you

[eausolovely]

Sending you lots and lots of love today! Your darling boy will be in a happy place now and you did the right thing. Lots of hugs and kisses to you, hope you are doing as best you con xx

[MsMarvellous]

How beautiful. He was a handsome boy with an amazing loving family. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

[aprilshowers2015]

I hope that when the time comes to say goodbye to my beautiful girl, she will know she was as loved as dear Bailey did and treated with the same respect and dignity. How wonderful for you both to have found each other and spent so many years together. "Grief doesn't last forever, but love does". Rest well sweet boy

[Ludo19]

The pain of losing a pet is indescribable. Unless you go through it no one fully understands. I lost one of my girls last January at 18 and her sister 10 months to the day in November at 19.

I too took my girls to the crematorium myself and found that a comfort.

Bailey is a handsome brave boy who will wait for you till it's time when you'll be reunited once more.

Grief has no limits.....cry till you have no more tears. Never feel guilt for being upset. You will find coping with it easier but you will never forget.

Tale care and I'm really so so sorry for your loss xxx

[IncrediblySadToo]

What a beautiful boy!!!

'Died as he lived - scoffing' such a typical lab!!

You have been incredibly brave. So strong for Bailey. You stayed with him throughout, keeping him calm (and fed 😊)

I hope you're proud of yourself for today, you couldn't have done anything more to make it lovely for him. It was time, he trusted you & you did the right thing.

Unfortunately it still hurts a LOT. I hope you're able to deal with the grief as well as some people do, knowing you had a wonderful life together and he couldn't have asked for more.

Lots of love & hugs for you and Bailey
(((( 💕))))

[Wagsandclaws]

Oh I'm so very very sorry. I really bawled my eyes out at your beautiful description of his peaceful passing.

We have two labs and I just can't imagine life without them. I had this done for my 14 year old cat although I was crying so much I had to leave the room so my DH and oldest DS stayed with him.

It was time.

You did the very best for your boy and he looked beautiful - what a wonderful life OP. Rip Bailey.

[doodleygirl]

How beautiful is Bailey. You were both so lucky to have had each other and a wonderful loved filled life.

[AllNewThings]

What a heartbreaking post. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a lucky boy he was to have been so loved and to have felt your love right to the very end. Big hugs.