Know it’s time - tomorrow - and am heartbroken.

[Baybetterdays]

My beautiful 11 year old boy is struggling with end stage arthritis. It is heartbreaking. I spoke with my vet twice last week about scheduling in a ‘planned’ euthanasia at home, but he rallied so I decided to give it the weekend. As always happens, on Saturday night he was obviously struggling with his leg, he’s been up and down since and I’ve got a standby appt at emergency vet hospital and am sleeping downstairs with him just in case. Vet hospital said it seems fair enough get him through to tomorrow morning while he’s sleeping well etc, so my vet can come to the house.

He’s eating, drinking, and valiantly barking at the postman today, and has been out for a bimble - but has had a bit of an upset tum which is complicating things. He’s already on a huge cocktail of drugs and we’ve upped the doses to the sort of numbers he couldn’t survive on for long anyway, to keep him calm and comfortable overnight.

It’s just me and him. He’s got me through so much, been around the world with me, and I’m absolutely devastated already - and he’s still here. I’m taking endless photos and checking on him constantly and it just seems unbelievable and incomprehensible that tomorrow he’ll be gone.

But he’s struggling, we’re perilously close to the line where he has no dignity or his QOL is unacceptable, and I really want to avoid an emergency vet dash if he becomes unable to walk at all. So I’ll be calling tomorrow and he’ll be gone this time tomorrow. It’s so unreal. He’s so alive, even though he’s a shadow of the dog he used to be he’s still there. Please tell me in time this gets better - or maybe that there’ll even be some relief that he’s not in pain anymore.

I’m on edge and slept about 2hrs last night and had horrible nightmares about him, unrelated to the euthanasia but still. I know this is the kindest thing and that it is time to love him more than myself, but I’m railing against how unfair it is to die of joint failure when his system is otherwise ok, his mind is still alert etc. I will miss him an indescribable amount and simply cannot imagine an empty house.

[EwwSprouts]

[Baybetterdays]

Thank you everyone. I’ve moved on from brave to guttural sobs putting (some) of his stuff away, and as I walked into the empty house I thought “well this isn’t going to work”.

So far I’ve made two neighbours, one close friend and a random dog walker cry, along with some of you guys. I’m sorry for that, but glad you love your lucky pets as much. I stopped on the drive home at the side of a cornfield he would have loved (younger) and like in a film, sat there quietly crying with the car door open so what would happen? Yes, a little white dog appeared to comfort me on a walk with her owner, who ended up wiping her eyes when I said ‘oh no, let her say hello, I just lost my boy’. She was a little tonic and I did allow myself the thought he sent her ( I have never been ‘woo’ before today!).

It’s the knowing I’ll never see him again that is making me randomly sob, but it stops when I remember the only way I would have seen him is limping, and I love him too much for that. I’ll be ok, he told me it was time, and I’m so grateful for him. It would have been much worse to never have him, so if this is the price I have to take it. He really was a ‘heart dog’ and I really hope I’ll find another, in time.

Thanks again everyone, there’s a fair bit of loud guttural sobbing coming around the routines, but it’s lovely to know people think it was right and I did the right thing. I’ll pay the price we all pay, cos there’s not much I wouldn’t have done for him - and he’d have followed me off a cliff, so today was the least I could do. It’s amazing how much we all love what some call ‘just a dog’. Thank you, to all of you who get it. My boy wasn’t just a dog, he was my dog. And I’m blessed to have had him.

[Baybetterdays]

Even the field looked right!

[Realitybites21]

Anyone who says they’re ‘just a dog’ has never had the fortune to experience a love like it.

They bulldoze their way in then the sudden silence is deafening.

[pumpkinpie01]

@Baybetterdays this is heartbreaking , reading through has made me sob. Our lab was pts in April , we had less than 3 hours to get used to the idea she was leaving us , she seemed a perfectly healthy dog the day before ( bloody cancer 😢). It's so so hard , your routine together , the cuddles, all the lovely walks just gone . I really feel for you, big big hugs xx

[bodgeitandscarper]

I'm a long time lab owner, we always try to let them go exactly as you have done, a lab should go with the people he loves with him and food in their mouths. I currently have two old boys, and dreading having to say goodbye, but if they go like Bailey I'll be happy.
There'll never be another Bailey, but I hope you find another dog that will be equally special as they all are in their own way in time. I find another dog helps immensely with the loss, but appreciate we are all different.

[Baybetterdays]

@bodgeitandscarper Yes, I’ll definitely have to get another - I’m currently a dog owner without a dog, and it’s not right! I’ll have to stop crying first though - I’ve never cried this long and this hard before. Making tea - little cry. Look in the garden - sob. It’s been 3 hours and my face hurts. I thought it was supposed to make you feel better but it’s just producing more crying. I’m actually a bit worried this is not normal and feel like ringing someone to ask

[HearingMyOwnVoice]

Stumbled across this op but it's particularly poignant to me at the moment as it's 7 years ago on Friday since we lost our first dog.
One thing that really gave me comfort during the first dark days was that we knew we had done everything we could for him. He was loved and he had had all the medications that could help and when they were all at the top end of dosage and it wasn't working we knew it wouldn't be long.
That didn't make his actual passing any easier but it did absolve me from any residual guilt I might have felt. I hope you can take comfort in that.

[bodgeitandscarper]

Ahh it's totally normal, I think more so when you've seen it coming and held everything together during that time. There's nothing worse than the physical loss afterwards. I've lost plenty of much loved animals over the years and silly things like walking past a favourite treat in the supermarket can set me off in the early days. Bailey was a lucky boy to be so loved, many sadly aren't, and I'm certain that once the initial grief passes you will remember him with happiness and love.