My mum is terrified of my pup

[Bhanisharianyla]

Hi everyone it’s my first time here and just wanted some advice. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and got a puppy just before lockdown. He’s a golden retriever lab mix and we love him to bits. BUT my mum is my only support in terms of childcare or anytime I need help really. My dad passed away when I was 4 and she’s the only parent I have ever really known we are very close. Anyway she’s terrified of my puppy. As in doesn’t even want him going near her she panics completely. I can’t see how she will ever be able to be around the house with him. Certainly never on her own if she is here looking after the kids. I am trying to think of some options and really struggling. I can’t afford doggy day care and sometimes she is here for dinner etc. But my children my husband and I love him. I just don’t know what to do! He’s only 4 and a half months so I know it wouldn’t be hard for him to settle with another family but selfishly we love him and don’t want to lose him too. She’s not really prepared to try and get used to him to that extent. I just don’t know what to do and it’s really getting me down. Also we might try for another child in a year and she would be my only source of help. Sorry for the rambling message just feeling so lost.

Didn't you consider your Mum's fear of dogs when you got yours? Considering how much you know you need your Mum, it should have been a consideration.

I know that's not much in terms of advice but if your Mother is terrified of dogs and you need your Mother's help then you only have one option don't you?

So you expect your mum to help with childcare and be at your house, but didn’t consider her fear of dogs before getting one?
I’m sorry but that’s really irresponsible. Now the poor dog is going to be possibly rehomed because you didn’t think through basic logistics of owning one. It’s not your mums job to conquer her fear because you decided to go off and get a puppy.

If your mum is petrified of a golden retriever/ lab, and you need her in the house, you will have to rehome. There will be literally hundreds of families lining up, and you should do it sooner rather than later.
There isn’t another option. It isn’t fair on the puppy.

As others have said why didn't you consult your mum before given that she would be expected to look after the dog and your children. If you are so reliant on her then you should have considered her part of the family with a say on whether getting a dog was the right thing to do.

You either have to pay for childcare or dog care because it's not fair on your DM or you rehome the puppy without guilt tripping your mum.

Some people just don't want to be around dogs. You may have to accept that she won't come round to this.

The simple solution is to crate train your puppy that way he can be kept out of the way when your mum comes over for short visits like dinner, date night baby sitting etc.

Its not clear from your post though whether the childcare is only for short periods or if you were planning on her looking after your DC for longer periods during the day while you and DH are at work? If it's the latter then what were you planning to do with the dog? Dogs can't just be left all day so I hope you weren't just assuming your mum would take on the DC AND the dog without actually discussing it with her?

If your mum has a genuine fear of dogs and she's willing to overcome it you could offer to pay and help with some kind of therapy/treatment.

If it's more that she just doesn't like dogs and doesn't want to get to know your puppy that's her prerogative however in that instance I wouldn't be re-homing the puppy.

If you can't cope without your mum doing childcare then it might also be a good idea to ask if she's willing to look after a third child before you have it.

You also need a plan B. What if your mum dies? Who takes care of the kids then? My mum died at age 62 because of cancer. She wasn't babysitting but if she was there would have been almost no time after diagnosis to arrange something different.

@Isthisfinallyit

If you can't cope without your mum doing childcare then it might also be a good idea to ask if she's willing to look after a third child before you have it.

You also need a plan B. What if your mum dies? Who takes care of the kids then? My mum died at age 62 because of cancer. She wasn't babysitting but if she was there would have been almost no time after diagnosis to arrange something different.

Also this.

Not everyone likes dogs - and puppies can be pretty overwhelming for people who are just "meh" about animals. Did you know your mum didn't like dogs before you got one? If so, surely you must have foreseen this being a problem?

My dog was pretty intense as a puppy - they jump, scratch, mouth and can be quite manic for some people. My dad's really not a dog person and kept several metres away from mine when he was younger - there's no way he'd have come into my house and babysat for me if there was a dog about but I know that so if I had young children and depended on him for childcare, I wouldn't have gotten a dog.

You can't force your mum to like dogs - if she doesn't want to come around anymore, then you need to accept that. Maybe train the puppy to be left in a crate or in the kitchen and use baby gates to keep him and your mum apart for now? Would she perhaps be happier with that?

as you say you are close to your DMum, you would have discussed this with her before you got the puppy.

What did you and she say about expectations then?

Puppies cannot be left for long, and most older dogs should not be left for more than about 4 hours. You say you got the puppy before lockdown, so what was your original COVID plan for dog care?

Sorry - what was you original pre-Covid plan?

There is no one who can tell you what to do. You have a dog that isn't yet a teenager (with all the problems that brings) and a need for your mum to babysit/dogsit.

Only 3 options:

1. Your mum get used to it (doesn't sound like it will happen - and why should she)
2. You find another source of help that isn't your mum
3. The dog goes

If it's number 3 that for fuck's sake do it now before the 'market' is flooded with all those other lockdown puppies that are going to be rehomed as soon as real life kicks back in.

If he is 4.5 months/18 weeks old he is not pre lockdown or was removed from his mum way too early.

If he is 4.5 months/18 weeks old he is not pre lockdown or was removed from his mum way too early.

This. If you’re in the UK that’s BS.

Plus it was phenomenally thoughtless of you to get a dog knowing your mum’s feelings but being reliant on her for childcare. As the others have said, at least have the decency of talking to her before having a third.
I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment but this is all supremely selfish behaviour where you seem to want to have your cake and eat it.

Doesn't sound like you can afford another baby. Also very thoughtless of you to get a dog without checking with your mum.

I don't understand how you didn't know your mum was terrified of dogs before this. Surely it's something that would have come up in conversation before you bought a huge puppy?

As others have said, if you can’t afford doggy day care, you probably can not afford a third baby and I wonder if you can truly afford what comes with owning a big dog.

I think people have been a bit harsh to the OP.

4 months old puppies can be very scary to people who are not used to dogs, the bounce around,nipe your clothes, jump up, bark and can be pretty full on.

A well trained adult dog is much easier to deal with.

OP I would discuss this with your Mum, what is she finding scary about the dog. If it is puppy behaviour then this will pass and as the dogs becomes calmer your Mum will gain more conficence (however this is not going to happen over night and will take some work from you)

On a personal level I would not consider a third child while I had a young puppy and would want that situation calmer before adding to the mix.

When your Mother visits keep control of the puppy maybe have on a lead to keep the dog calm.

I would also book a 121 with a trainer (who can advise over zoom). This will help to give you a programm that will work for your dog and your family. If your Mother could be involved and voice her concerns these can also be dealt with by the trainer.

It is hard to make sensible decisions when your are emotionally involved so do take professional advice - it may not be as judgey or catastrophic as here

Never mind your mum, it’s a bit much with a 2 years old and a 4 year old as well, let alone another baby
If you can’t afford childcare or doggy daycare then how will you afford another baby anyway? Do you need your Mum to provide childcare for work? If so what wa stage plan for the dog while you are at work?
Your Mum didn’t choose to have a puppy so you can’t expect her to like it, some people just don’t like dogs. If you want your mum in the house regularly then you will have to rehome the dog.

I have a 4 year old and a 2 yr old and we’d love a puppy but haven’t yet as my children are far too young to bring a puppy in to the house - but that’s by the by.

If you are THAT reliant on your Mum for childcare, and if you can’t afford doggy day care - I’m assuming you expected your Mum to look after the dog as well? Then yes you have been selfish and irresponsible.

Sorry, the need of childcare, the respect towards your Mum for helping you out with said childcare trumps your want for a dog.

Your options are: pay for doggy day care or re-home the dog whilst you are still able to.

You CANNOT expect your Mum to “get over” her fear of your puppy just so you can carry on having childcare!!!

I agree with practically everyone else that your plan was badly thought through , if at all . I will also add that if you knew your mum was scared of dogs why get such a large , bouncy variety ,my adult daughter is very experienced with dogs but she is petite and got mugged by a friends golden retriever when he was about 5/6 months old .

The only thing I can suggest would be teaching the pup a ‘settle’ in his bed when guests arrive so he’s not near her.

My mum is also similar, I didn’t rely on her for childcare though and over time she’s gotten used to and now likes my dog though she still gets a bit cautious at her growling (she likes grab a toy for guests and sit in front of them growling for them to play fetch...)

How often and for what period of time is your mum at your home each week?

Agree with PPs, how did this not get considered before you got the puppy?! You are all about what you need from your mother in order to facilitate having children that, bluntly, it sounds like you can’t afford if you can’t afford doggy day care. Or is it that you can technically afford it, but you don’t want to have to spend money on it?

What about your mother? Even if you put aside all the free support and childcare she is giving you, did it not occur to you that getting this puppy would render her basically unable to spend time in your home? It sounds like a horribly selfish and poorly thought out plan.

Did you know your mother is this terrified of dogs before you got it?